Would this help?
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| Fri, 07-21-2006 - 3:33pm |
Sorry for starting another thread, but I wanted to start a clean thread. If this thread needs to be merged with my other thread, please do so.
After playing golf 3 days in a row, my hubby stayed home yesterday. Like I mentioned in my other thread, we were cordial. I did NOT talk about anything to him because I wanted to re-evaluate some things that I can work on...such as not pushing when he doesn't want to talk. I've read and been thinking about this "main" conversation piece that my hubby said 2 night ago. (please read below)
Hubby: See, that's exactly what I mean about the denial. There you go again in denial. You like to fight and let the whole world know our business and I'm not like that. You like to yell and scream. I don't like to yell and scream. I am passive-agressive. I'll let it go and then I have to yell back. I know myself that I don't yell. You say I'm the one that starts the yelling first, however, I know I don't do that. Like I said I let it go until I'm pushed into a corner. All the yelling and screaming, its like emotional abuse. I can't deal with it and I don't know how to handle it.
I have painted a picture of myself that I like to fight, in reality, I don't like to. However, my hubby thinks I do. How can I:
1. Get my hubby to know that I don't like to fight. It seems like when I open my mouth, he thinks I'm going to start one. Maybe he already thinks that I'm going to fight as soon as I open my mouth, however, I don't want to give him this impression anymore. What are some suggestions?
2. After I gave him the letter of apology, he said "You still don't understand why I am upset". The things that come to mind is (1) he thinks I blame and criticize and then tells the whole world our business (like at the golf course); and (2) He thinks I like to fight, scream and yell. So my question is should I write him another letter validating his feelings on these issues?
I took the suggestion by dirextor about TELLING your hubby that you are committed in this marriage and that you are there for him when he feels comfortable enough to discuss it.
I also took the suggestion by about checking check in with him in a few days and ask if he would like to chat (well, I kind of did it in a round about way.
I left him a voice message stating that "I am committed to the marriage for life and that I will be here for him when he feels comfortable enough to discuss it, even if I litterally have to put tape over my mouth if this would help". (Yes, I actually stated the tape over my mouth in the message. I did 2 things I wanted to accomplish, letting my hubby know I am here and committed to this marriage and brought up if he would like to chat and then I DROPPED it. Don't worry, I will not be bringing this up again. After that, I changed the subject about something else that had NOTHING to do with the relationship)
I hope this voice message that I left my hubby was ok that he doesn't think I am trying to push. I'm NOT trying to push, really I'm not because I'm learning to drop it after one time but I wanted to take the advice from orangcuse just to check in.
Any thoughts, suggestion and advice? By the way, since I joined this board, I have really truly learned alot from everyone and after many posts, I actually am getting this eventhough it may not look that way.

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Hi Casey,
Sorry, I responded on the other thread before I saw this one started.
You left him the voice message. Now my question to you is if he "NEVER" wants to bring up the topic that started this argument in the first place are you ok with that? If he wants to drop this one and move on, can you do that?
I vote that you kill him with kindness this weekend and see how that works. Offer to get him a drink, fix his favorite meal, light some candles around the house for the mood, etc. Be pleasant in anything you say, no matter what his tone. If he says he's going golfing say "ok honey, i love you, have a great time".
I'm not suggesting that you never have discussions, or that you have to drop every issue that's important to you. I just really think (and you can all correct me if I'm wrong) that you all need to drop this one. See if the two of you can find some peace and happiness together instead. Take the suggestions you've gotten here, read some books, talk to a counsellor, or whatever it takes so that in the future you'll be better equipped to discuss important issues rather than fight about them.
>>1. Get my hubby to know that I don't like to fight. It seems like when I open my mouth, he thinks I'm going to start one. Maybe he already thinks that I'm going to fight as soon as I open my mouth, however, I don't want to give him this impression anymore. What are some suggestions? <<
You've got to show him in practice. No offence intended here Casey, but I also get the impression that you like to fight - because you do it so much.
You know how I keep saying "you've got to learn to hold your tongue", well, this is WHY I keep saying it. Whether it be a thoughtless question about hand washing or him over reacting about his golf clubs - LET IT GO. And him forgetting his ring? While it means a lot to you, you also have to accept that to him, it's just a piece of jewellery. If he forgets, accept it. Your thoughts on ring wearing are NOT more important than his. They are simply different. The times he remembers it for you should marry off nicely with the times he forgets and you accept it for him. 50/50 on the ring thing, OK?
(Someone also commented that him forgetting his ring may be classic passive/aggressive behaviour. That is, it's his way of starting a fight. I've got no experience with PA behaviour, but I would imagine that if you didn't react, his behaviour would not achieve it's goal. And if the desired goal is not achieved, then the behaviour is not rewarded. Another very good reason for holding your tongue)
>>2. After I gave him the letter of apology, he said "You still don't understand why I am upset". The things that come to mind is (1) he thinks I blame and criticize and then tells the whole world our business (like at the golf course); and (2) He thinks I like to fight, scream and yell. So my question is should I write him another letter validating his feelings on these issues?<<
No, don't write any more letters or leave any more messages. Leave this current issue behind and accept that you may never know his base issues. The best way to validate his feelings is not in writing, but in practice. If you start to practice some changes, he will realise that you do understand what he needs.
Lastly, don't expect him to compliment you on learning to hold your tongue. It's not something that he will do. (And don't ask him if he's noticed any changes!!) He will just be quietly happy about things. Your reward will instead come in the form of a happier, calmer marriage.
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Ok, I'm getting this....in practice. Its a very good point.
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You know I find this statement sad on his part. Because having someone recognize a little of what I'm trying to do, goes a long ways for me. One of the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman happen to be Words of Affirmation....that would be my love language.
By the way, for the record, please, anyone, I hope the voice message that I left wasn't sounding accusatory, blaming or any other bad adjective. The reason why I left the voice message was I wanted to accomplish, validating his feelings, and not denying the things I've done. So here it is:
Hi, I received your message earlier. ***Here I talk about what I got at the grocer store*** I am sorry I've painted a bad picture of myself in giving you the impression that I like to fight. I am sorry I have come across as blaming, criticizing as well as embarassing you. That is absolutely no way to treat someone you love and I do love you. You have every right to be upset for the way I treated you. Please believe me when I say I don't want to fight anymore. I want to start with a clean slate. I want to be a good communicator and listener. I also just want to let you know I am committed in this marriage for life and that I am here for you when you are comfortable enough to talk. I will literally tape my mouth shut if that would help and that's no joke. Just wanted to share this. ***Here is where I say a couple of friends of mine (he knows them) invited me on a all day hike**** Hope you are having a good day.
I thought that was a good message. I took ownership of what I did and validated his feelings. What do you guys think?
You know, this situation has taken 5 yrs off my life. I have NEVER been treated like this by anyone. The voice message was the last straw for me. I don't think the voice message was good enough for him. Because he left me a voice message while I was golfing this afternoon and he didn't mention what I said at all, except he said have a good time tomorrow. Yes, he is golfing again. I told myself that I will not push him again on this subject. We haven't had dinner together all this week and he's been avoiding me like the plague, except for yesterday, when he actually stayed home. Both of us will not be home tomorrow, so my dog will have the whole house to himself. Because too much time has passed since the golf incident last week, and with all the trying I've done, even if it wasn't in the best intention, I'm not sure how I'm going to react when he does come around and start being nice again.
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Yes. I'm tired of trying, to be quite honest, I'm emotionally spent in trying to let him know I am sorry for everything and it still doesn't help. Personally, I feel its a slap in the face. I have put forth ALL the effort and it still wasn't enough because he's still angry with me (going on 5 long days). I truly wonder if he really knew that my letter of apology didn't just take me 1 minute to write. I felt I wasted my whole afternoon for that letter I wrote. And the voice message, it took me at least an hour. I'm not the best writer in the world, but I am precise.
Do you really think he noticed my voice message? I sure hope he took it the way I intended.
I'm just really sad that he can't put away his anger. 5 days is too long to be anger at someone you love. I can understand being anger for 2 days, the most, but this long just makes me sad.
Edited 7/21/2006 8:22 pm ET by casey0201
Casey,
I like to talk things to death, I really do. I would be very tired of hearing and talking about all this at this point. You AREN'T hearing him because you KEEP talking about it. He's avoiding you like the plague and you are finding any and every way to keep hammering this topic. I avoid people who keep talking about things I don't want to talk about too. Just LET IT GO.
Jen
>>I'm just really sad that he can't put away his anger. <<
And I bet he's really sad that you can't put away this topic. I bet he thinks it's been 5 long days and he'd just like to forget about it and move on.
Jen
ITA with ldack1 that you kill him with kindness.
The reason he is not going to acknowledge your voicemail is that it's just another way to perpetuate discussion of the SAME topic.
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What does ITA stand for?
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I could have used your suggestion 5 hours ago. I'm saying this with a smile. Maybe I'll use part of your suggestion next week and see how he responds. Maybe I better write it here on the board to get some suggestions. That way he doesn't think I'm cornering him into a discussion. By the way firstamendment, your tone was pleasant with the way you wrote that.
I just have ONE question for anyone that wants to answer it. Obviously this has been a problem for a week. I feel NOT talking about this problem doesn't make it go away. So, my question is why is most of the people telling me to drop it?
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The reason why I ask this question is EVERY problem we have had never gets resolved. Maybe I was hoping this one would be our FIRST resolved issue. Maybe that's why I'm trying so hard or maybe too hard.
Sometimes the right answer is not full resolution - sometimes the right answer is putting something behind you and moving on for the benefit of the other person.
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