Would this help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Would this help?
62
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 3:33pm

Sorry for starting another thread, but I wanted to start a clean thread. If this thread needs to be merged with my other thread, please do so.

After playing golf 3 days in a row, my hubby stayed home yesterday. Like I mentioned in my other thread, we were cordial. I did NOT talk about anything to him because I wanted to re-evaluate some things that I can work on...such as not pushing when he doesn't want to talk. I've read and been thinking about this "main" conversation piece that my hubby said 2 night ago. (please read below)

Hubby: See, that's exactly what I mean about the denial. There you go again in denial. You like to fight and let the whole world know our business and I'm not like that. You like to yell and scream. I don't like to yell and scream. I am passive-agressive. I'll let it go and then I have to yell back. I know myself that I don't yell. You say I'm the one that starts the yelling first, however, I know I don't do that. Like I said I let it go until I'm pushed into a corner. All the yelling and screaming, its like emotional abuse. I can't deal with it and I don't know how to handle it.

I have painted a picture of myself that I like to fight, in reality, I don't like to. However, my hubby thinks I do. How can I:

1. Get my hubby to know that I don't like to fight. It seems like when I open my mouth, he thinks I'm going to start one. Maybe he already thinks that I'm going to fight as soon as I open my mouth, however, I don't want to give him this impression anymore. What are some suggestions?

2. After I gave him the letter of apology, he said "You still don't understand why I am upset". The things that come to mind is (1) he thinks I blame and criticize and then tells the whole world our business (like at the golf course); and (2) He thinks I like to fight, scream and yell. So my question is should I write him another letter validating his feelings on these issues?

I took the suggestion by dirextor about TELLING your hubby that you are committed in this marriage and that you are there for him when he feels comfortable enough to discuss it.

I also took the suggestion by about checking check in with him in a few days and ask if he would like to chat (well, I kind of did it in a round about way.

I left him a voice message stating that "I am committed to the marriage for life and that I will be here for him when he feels comfortable enough to discuss it, even if I litterally have to put tape over my mouth if this would help". (Yes, I actually stated the tape over my mouth in the message. I did 2 things I wanted to accomplish, letting my hubby know I am here and committed to this marriage and brought up if he would like to chat and then I DROPPED it. Don't worry, I will not be bringing this up again. After that, I changed the subject about something else that had NOTHING to do with the relationship)

I hope this voice message that I left my hubby was ok that he doesn't think I am trying to push. I'm NOT trying to push, really I'm not because I'm learning to drop it after one time but I wanted to take the advice from orangcuse just to check in.

Any thoughts, suggestion and advice? By the way, since I joined this board, I have really truly learned alot from everyone and after many posts, I actually am getting this eventhough it may not look that way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 12:48am

Casey, he's been mad for 5 days because you keep poking at him. If you'd left him alone, he probably would have gotten over it days ago. I've lost track of the days exactly, but after about two days (when he was probably starting to get over it), you attacked him with the wedding ring and asked if he wanted a divorce. Then after that, you've kept at him with notes and messages. Each time you remind him that it's not over, it will prolong the amount of time he spends in his cave.

You find it sad that he won't give you the verbal affirmation you need? It's just the way it is. Accept it.

Lastly, you asked why we are telling you to drop this subject? It's because the fight was about golf clubs! You say that nothing ever gets resolved if you don't raise the issue - but from what I understand, your arguements are about petty issues such as golf clubs and hand washing. These issues don't even warrant discussion - let alone arguements. Yes, I get that you don't understand why he's upset with you - but he's not going to tell you. So stop beating the issue and move on.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 3:17am

>>The reason why I ask this question is EVERY problem we have had never gets resolved. <<

I get the feeling that you like to try and discuss/solve every difference of opinion that the two of you have. Perhaps this is why you end up fighting over such silly things? If I'm right, do you realise that what you are doing comes across as nit-picking? No couple ever agrees on everything and all successful couples have learned to pick their battles.

Could you tell me what IMPORTANT issues remain unresolved between the two of you?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 10:39pm

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You know that's a very good question. However, I'm not ready to answer it. Why? Because I don't feel loved. Ok, with your guys help, I haven't mentioned this issue for 2 days. That's a long 2 days for me. Since the 2 days that I haven't brought it up, he is STILL mad at me. True, he might be over the issue, but he is STILL angry with me. How long must I give him his space? He's been angry with me for EXACTLY one week now. Because he is angry, now I am starting to do my own thing. But I don't wan't this marriage to end up, he does his thing, I do my thing...that is not what a marriage is. So, please tell me...I've let it go for 2 days, therefore, how much longer. Since this problem has happened, we don't:

1. Have dinner together
2. There's been no affection
3. He does his thing, I do my thing
4. We barely stay in the same room together

Granted these last 2 days I've been mostly away but at least I haven't brought it up. I don't even want to be in the same house right now. This is really ridiculous. 7 freaking days. Please tell me how someone that you are supposed to love be angry with someone that they love for 7 freaking days.

I know you and ldack1 have said kill him with kindness, but I am not a person that can do that if someone is ANGRY with me. I did NOT ask my husband to be ANGRY at me for this long, therefore, its NOT my responsibility. Its HIS emotions. AFter all, I don't ask him to kill me with kindness if I am angry with him. Seriously, what will it really do if I did were kind to him? All my trying has been for not, so I am sick of trying right now. Again, I did NOT ask my husband to be angry with me for this long.

Yes, I am ANGRY right now...I mean angry. But I do try to be civilized. The longer this goes, maybe this marriage isn't worth it. Not once in my lifetime have I ever been angry with someone that I love for this long. Its a wasted 7 days. Yea, I guess right now I'm blaming him for letting it go this long. Maybe that's why I'm starting to think maybe this marriage isn't worth the effort.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2006
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 11:43pm

I haven't posted but I've been following this thread. I can identify with your situation. I am a newlywed myself and my DH and I are both stubborn people, I know how difficult it is when someone you love is angry with you. Personally, marriage has been a big adjustment, it's all about compromise. I think you need to take a step back and look at how out of control this situation has become. Take a look at your first post. Do you realise that you're considering ending your marriage because of a fight over a golf club?Setting everything else aside, that is where it all started. I think that it's awful to see such an argument escalate to this level.

At this stage neither one of you is about to give in. You're becoming angry because your H is angry. Your H is angry because you are. It's a viscious circle. It seems to me that this is no longer about love or respect but about pride and wanting to have the last word. It's time you decided what you want. Do you want to be the bigger person? Do you think that your marriage is worth more than this? If you do, go up to your husband. Give him a kiss and a cuddle. Don't say anything, it's all in your actions. This is the only way you can get past this. In some situations "talking it through" doesn't work, there are too many emotions involved. If your H is anything like mine he shuts down when he feels a "talk" or argument coming on. If you feel that you can't do this, then maybe there is a bigger problem at hand. If you can't deal with this as a couple then how will you handle the bigger problems life will throw at you. Sometimes we have to go back to the basics, think of the man you love so much, the one you promised to spend the rest of your life with. Think of all the reasons why you married him. That man is still there but right now you're blinded by anger.

Give it a try. Best of luck!!

Shelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 2:28pm

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You've brought up some good points, really you have. But giving my hubby a kiss or a hug just isn't in my agenda right now...for ONE reason and that is he might REJECT my affection. Believe me, I've thought about it and then just said, forget it. I have a feeling if I did give him a kiss or hug and he rejects it, I think that will FINALLY be the straw that will break the camels back and I don't think I'm ready for that type of emotion right now. Therefore, I won't give him any affection, after all, I did state it is NOT my fault nor my responsibility for HIS emotions. He is choosing to be angry at me for this long. Like I said in my other thread, if he gave me some type of reassurance that he is still in this marriage and he wants to work it out, then he can be angry with me. However, there's been no reassurance from him at all and I've given him plenty of reassurance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 2:57pm

I have been reading all your posts, and I've got to say how absolutely flabbergasted I am at you!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 3:22pm
You know that the longer you wait for "reassurance" the less likely you are to get it. This guy sounds stubborn and you are equally so. As far as rejection, well, if I were you I'd take the chance rather than destroy your marriage over this. From what you've posted, I gather that your husband has not once said that he wanted a divorce. You brought up the subject and thinks that you want a divorce. Therefore it is you who should be reassuring him. Marriage is one area in your life where you should not play games. If you continue this argument, it will ruin your marriage. If you were serious enough about saving it, you'd take the chance. Do you think that there's part of you that wants out?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 3:27pm

Has it occured to you that you are behaving exactly the way you WANT him to behave? You are expecting him to behave in way that doesn't work for him (I'm not saying that he is right, though.) You are expecting a hippo to run like a gazelle.

The constant talk about the "state of the relationship" is peppered in every moment of his day - phone messages, emails. To be frank, I wouldn't want to talk to you either at this point.

A few questions in response to your numbered issues:

1. Have dinner together - have you asked him to dine together?
2. There's been no affection - have you shown affection, even gentle touch on the arm?
3. He does his thing, I do my thing - have you asked him to spend time with you?
4. We barely stay in the same room together - have you attempted to be in the same room with him?

Based on your next paragraph, I'm guessing no.

It seems that through your posts you are hell bent on being right. " never asked for him to be angry." No, so allow him to be mad, spin his wheels, think, golf, whatever. It isn't YOUR energy being spent, it is his and that is his responsibility. Life isn't fair. Even those you love the most will treat you unfairly - you must learn to forgive them and move past it.

The more you pester him about little issues, you will get an answer from him - yes, he'll want the divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 4:11pm

I'm in total agreement with the 3 previous posts. Including the frustration level.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 4:59pm

Sorry, I don't know how to quote different people, therefore, I just did a copy and paste.

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I have let it go. I haven't brought it up since last Friday.

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Actually I don't want to be write that's why I wrote the apology as well as taken ownership of my own actions. I also gave him the voice message for again taken ownership. Please tell me how that is STILL wanting to be right. I think writing the letter and leaving the voice message is putting effort, however, he STILL chooses to be ANGRY with me.

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So the letter of apology and voice message stating that I'm committed to the marriage for life shows him NO reassurance? Oh yes, I also should add he's doing more avoidance and now he plays on-line poker at night. I don't feel he's giving me a fair chance to SHOW him I would like to start with a clean slate and NOT argue, yell or fight.

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1. Have dinner together - have you asked him to dine together?
2. There's been no affection - have you shown affection, even gentle touch on the arm?
3. He does his thing, I do my thing - have you asked him to spend time with you?
4. We barely stay in the same room together - have you attempted to be in the same room with him?>>

As for the 4 questions, I haven't asked him to dinner because I don't want him to think that's just another way for me to get him to talk, therefore, I don't want to ask. THe affection, as mentioned before, I don't want the feel of rejection, therefore, I'm not showing the affection.

About the room situation - well, last night we did actually sit and watch a movie together for an hour (I missed the first hour because I was walking my dog)

Ok, I have told you guys that I haven't brought up the issue in 3 days but you guys think that I am. How am I bent on being right when I feel I've done everything I can with writing the letter of apology, taking ownership of my actions, leaving him a voice message stating that I am committed to the marriage. Again, let me say I HAVEN'T pestered him about this issue in 3 days...at least I am trying.

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