Would this help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Would this help?
62
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 3:33pm

Sorry for starting another thread, but I wanted to start a clean thread. If this thread needs to be merged with my other thread, please do so.

After playing golf 3 days in a row, my hubby stayed home yesterday. Like I mentioned in my other thread, we were cordial. I did NOT talk about anything to him because I wanted to re-evaluate some things that I can work on...such as not pushing when he doesn't want to talk. I've read and been thinking about this "main" conversation piece that my hubby said 2 night ago. (please read below)

Hubby: See, that's exactly what I mean about the denial. There you go again in denial. You like to fight and let the whole world know our business and I'm not like that. You like to yell and scream. I don't like to yell and scream. I am passive-agressive. I'll let it go and then I have to yell back. I know myself that I don't yell. You say I'm the one that starts the yelling first, however, I know I don't do that. Like I said I let it go until I'm pushed into a corner. All the yelling and screaming, its like emotional abuse. I can't deal with it and I don't know how to handle it.

I have painted a picture of myself that I like to fight, in reality, I don't like to. However, my hubby thinks I do. How can I:

1. Get my hubby to know that I don't like to fight. It seems like when I open my mouth, he thinks I'm going to start one. Maybe he already thinks that I'm going to fight as soon as I open my mouth, however, I don't want to give him this impression anymore. What are some suggestions?

2. After I gave him the letter of apology, he said "You still don't understand why I am upset". The things that come to mind is (1) he thinks I blame and criticize and then tells the whole world our business (like at the golf course); and (2) He thinks I like to fight, scream and yell. So my question is should I write him another letter validating his feelings on these issues?

I took the suggestion by dirextor about TELLING your hubby that you are committed in this marriage and that you are there for him when he feels comfortable enough to discuss it.

I also took the suggestion by about checking check in with him in a few days and ask if he would like to chat (well, I kind of did it in a round about way.

I left him a voice message stating that "I am committed to the marriage for life and that I will be here for him when he feels comfortable enough to discuss it, even if I litterally have to put tape over my mouth if this would help". (Yes, I actually stated the tape over my mouth in the message. I did 2 things I wanted to accomplish, letting my hubby know I am here and committed to this marriage and brought up if he would like to chat and then I DROPPED it. Don't worry, I will not be bringing this up again. After that, I changed the subject about something else that had NOTHING to do with the relationship)

I hope this voice message that I left my hubby was ok that he doesn't think I am trying to push. I'm NOT trying to push, really I'm not because I'm learning to drop it after one time but I wanted to take the advice from orangcuse just to check in.

Any thoughts, suggestion and advice? By the way, since I joined this board, I have really truly learned alot from everyone and after many posts, I actually am getting this eventhough it may not look that way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 5:09pm

Yes you are, but remember, your relationship didn't get in this condition in three days and three days of trying to constrain yourself is not going to undo it either.


Pack a lunch and decide if you all (together, team, married couple, friends) are in this for the long haul.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 8:47pm

Casey, not bringing up the issue and letting it go are two separate things.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 2:03am

Firstamendment, as usual, I agree with much of what you write.

However,

>>Casey, not bringing up the issue and letting it go are two separate things. I agree you haven't brought it up, but you are still holding it inside and you have not let go of it.<<

I must say that if I were in Casey's position, I would find it impossible to let it go while he was still being silent. I'd be aiming more towards: me stopping the conversation + him starting to be civil = letting it go.

>>Do you not want to list the good parts of him or the relationship, or is there really nothing good to say about him?<<

I'm also waiting to hear his good qualities.

And there is another comment that I'm waiting on (unless I've missed the reply in all these posts!): Casey said that nothing ever gets resolved if she ignores it. But I want to know what important matters (not golf clubs, hand washing or wedding rings) remain unresolved. If there are significant unresolved issues, it could be impacting the rest of the relationship.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 4:09pm

Hi Casey,
I have read most of the posts to your situation and would like to say a couple things. I have been in a relationship for 6 years and have been living with him for 3. I have reacted very often as you have and for similiar situations too. I understand how you feel you needed to know why he's angry at you since you don't feel or know why he should or is.

However, as I've learned the hard way, you have to let it go. Regardless of most situations, let it breathe, truly breathe for a couple of hours or day. Everyone is different. I'm the type that needs to resolve and talk about it right away and my BF ist he type to let it breathe and then resolve it. I have learned that if it's the situation isn't left alone for a while, resentment will build and arguments with increase.

The hardest thing for me is to hold my tongue. He knows how to get under my skin very easily. When I'm emotional, I can kiss any rational thinking out the door, so I try NOT to speak. The trick is to catch yourself before you thoughts escalate. This is allow you to think before you react, the rest will follow.

About not feeling loved right now... he probably doesn't feel like being around you since you haven't let the situation go. I think, when you're ready to let go of it a little more, you'll have to make the first step towards rekindling your relationship.

Hope this helped.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 6:24pm

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You hit the nail right on the head. I, too, am that way. And maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe I need to learn that not EVERYTHING needs to be talked about to death.

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You know, when I am rational and talk with a calm voice, we can usually have a good conversation, HOWEVER, when I start to get emotional, all the anger, frustration and being upset kicks in and then....wham....you have wwIII. When I notice his tone changing from being calm to being upset, then I react with being upset...or his tone is angry, then I get angry. You did bring up a very good suggestion. I'm trying to do just that...and that is to catch myself beforehand.

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I must not be getting this....why is it ME that has to make the FIRST step?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 6:48pm

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Ok, maybe I'm not understanding this, how am I not letting it go because I have brought up the subject now in 3 days.

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Its not that I don't want to list the good parts of him, its just that not feeling loved right now makes it harder for me to see the good in him. But I will try. The first time I met him was at a coffeehouse and he was in front of me standing in line. The line wasn't moving at all for what it seemed like 10 minutes. So, I turned around to him and said something like this is taking a long time and he said "would you like me to grab you a chair so that you can sit down?" And then I noticed he just got done golfing and I told him that I golfed. We actually talked for an hour, then he asked me out. We went out on our first date and I noticed he had this bounce in his step (he looked nervous and excited) and the physical attraction was instant. What attracted me was his mannerism. He opened the car door for me (you see, I was the one driving on our first date) and I thought "wow, I'm impressed". He is such a gentlemen, it truly touched me. He has some real good characteristics that I've never seen in a man I have dated. There was another time he stayed the night and the next morning he had to go to work. Before he did, he woke me up and gave me money for dinner and to also pay for my friend's dinner as well. I was speechless. One more thing, he kisses me before he leaves work just so if something were to happen to him, I would remember his kiss. But there is one thing I will never forget. He said "I'm more loyal than your dog". I'm sure we all know that dogs are very loyal.

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Yes, you are correct. I've never this problem with any of my ex-boyfriends. I guess they thought this is who I am and accepted it. I've had 5 relationships that were long-term. One last 3 yrs, others last between 2-5 years.

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I'm not sure. I've never really thought about it. Please remember (not putting blame on his part) but this is his THIRD marriage.

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Most of my relationships have been for the most part good. How the relationship ended was mutual. I've ended up being friends with all my ex-boyfriends.

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I know the golf clubs and hand washing isn't important but the wedding rings are important to me, not imporant as the marriage, but still important.

Maybe I feel because we don't resolve "little" things such as golf clubs or hand washing, then I feel we won't be able to resolve BIGGER things. I think that's what I mean by unresolved issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 7:00pm

>>I must not be getting this....why is it ME that has to make the FIRST step?<<

Because YOU want to be married. Because if you BOTH spend your entire time waiting for the other person to make the first step, you'll both spend a lot of time waiting. Because SOMEONE has to make the first step and who the heck cares who does it as long as it gets done?

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 9:41am

<< < not bringing up the issue and letting it go are two separate things. I agree you haven't brought it up, but you are still holding it inside and you have not let go of it.>

Ok, maybe I'm not understanding this, how am I not letting it go because I have brought up the subject now in 3 days.>>

ok, casey, dear - read that line again (i'm not sure who originally posted it). like they said, not bringing it up is not the same as letting it go. you have to resolve within yourself that you're not going to be pissed off or whatever about this issue anymore. letting it go is that you're not going build up resentment inside that this is yet another "unresolved" issue. you have to do this within yourself. you can't let it bother you anymore. that's letting it go.
it works kinda like forgiveness. and it's a bit early in the AM for me to try to explain that as well as it should be, but do you get what we're saying about letting it go?

we're glad that you haven't brought it up and pecked him to death about it - that's a great first step - i repeat FIRST STEP. but again, you've got to decide that this issue is done, over with, caput and that this ok with you, even if it's not resolved to your liking. are you still seeing your counselor? maybe he/she can help you get there.

i know you say you like to have everything resolved right away, but like others have said, sometimes that's not possible. and you've got to learn when to let go of the little things and when not to (for example, a cheating or abusive spouse are not things to just "let go" (duh)).

i hope that US pecking YOU to death about letting go and picking your battles has sunk in a bit. ;-)

and there was one other thing i was going to say, but i totally lost my train of thought. if it comes to me, i'll be back!

hey, on a diffent note - how'd that job interview go?

anna

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 12:54pm

Like the other poster said, letting go is resolving it (or accepting that it won't be resolved) within yourself.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 2:06pm

Hey,

The reason I think you should make the first step is because he doesn't see it the way you do. It seems to me that you are trying hard to get your husband to converse about the issue. I believe that while doing this, you pushed him away. When someone isn't ready to speak about the situation, persistent mention of it is annoying. In turn, the person who is annoyed will beggin to feel frustrated with their partner. (I've done it plenty of times) So, the first step could be something like not mentionning it, dropping the topic, it could be a "lets start fresh" and actually do it. Actions are everything. Words don't mean very much.

I believe that these traits are due to low self-esteem. (please don't be insulted, I'm in the same boat). It's crucial to like who you are, believe and know that you'd be great on your own as well, and in time, the over-analyzing will diminish and though though process will become simplified.

These are things that are so rewarding.

Hope I didn't insult you and I hope I gave you some insight.

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