Would this help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Would this help?
62
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 3:33pm

Sorry for starting another thread, but I wanted to start a clean thread. If this thread needs to be merged with my other thread, please do so.

After playing golf 3 days in a row, my hubby stayed home yesterday. Like I mentioned in my other thread, we were cordial. I did NOT talk about anything to him because I wanted to re-evaluate some things that I can work on...such as not pushing when he doesn't want to talk. I've read and been thinking about this "main" conversation piece that my hubby said 2 night ago. (please read below)

Hubby: See, that's exactly what I mean about the denial. There you go again in denial. You like to fight and let the whole world know our business and I'm not like that. You like to yell and scream. I don't like to yell and scream. I am passive-agressive. I'll let it go and then I have to yell back. I know myself that I don't yell. You say I'm the one that starts the yelling first, however, I know I don't do that. Like I said I let it go until I'm pushed into a corner. All the yelling and screaming, its like emotional abuse. I can't deal with it and I don't know how to handle it.

I have painted a picture of myself that I like to fight, in reality, I don't like to. However, my hubby thinks I do. How can I:

1. Get my hubby to know that I don't like to fight. It seems like when I open my mouth, he thinks I'm going to start one. Maybe he already thinks that I'm going to fight as soon as I open my mouth, however, I don't want to give him this impression anymore. What are some suggestions?

2. After I gave him the letter of apology, he said "You still don't understand why I am upset". The things that come to mind is (1) he thinks I blame and criticize and then tells the whole world our business (like at the golf course); and (2) He thinks I like to fight, scream and yell. So my question is should I write him another letter validating his feelings on these issues?

I took the suggestion by dirextor about TELLING your hubby that you are committed in this marriage and that you are there for him when he feels comfortable enough to discuss it.

I also took the suggestion by about checking check in with him in a few days and ask if he would like to chat (well, I kind of did it in a round about way.

I left him a voice message stating that "I am committed to the marriage for life and that I will be here for him when he feels comfortable enough to discuss it, even if I litterally have to put tape over my mouth if this would help". (Yes, I actually stated the tape over my mouth in the message. I did 2 things I wanted to accomplish, letting my hubby know I am here and committed to this marriage and brought up if he would like to chat and then I DROPPED it. Don't worry, I will not be bringing this up again. After that, I changed the subject about something else that had NOTHING to do with the relationship)

I hope this voice message that I left my hubby was ok that he doesn't think I am trying to push. I'm NOT trying to push, really I'm not because I'm learning to drop it after one time but I wanted to take the advice from orangcuse just to check in.

Any thoughts, suggestion and advice? By the way, since I joined this board, I have really truly learned alot from everyone and after many posts, I actually am getting this eventhough it may not look that way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 9:53pm

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I had to sit on this for 2 days. I kept going back and forth with "what if he rejects my affection?" or "He's choosing to be angry at me for 7 days, so I won't go up to him and give him a hug". These 2 statements kept going back and forth with me. Yes, I guess you can say I'm stubborn.

After 2 days of teetering on this, so the other day I went ahead and gave him a hug when he got home from work. After we hugged he asked me if I would like to go golfing.

I just have a question. Why was a hug the only way to get past this? The reason why it took me so long to give him a hug was I remembered in one of our arguements he told me that he doesn't like affection when he's mad, therefore, it took me a long time to finally give him a hug. So, I guess I'm confused. He said he doesn't like being affectionate when he's angry, but yet, when I went to give him a hug, he was cool with it but I knew before I hugged him, he was still angry with me. Therefore, he's contradicting his statement. What am I missing?

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Yes, its starting to just a little bit. One of these times I'll actually get it all together.

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Unfortunately, I didn't get the job so I'm still looking but thanks for asking.

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Yea, I was in the same boat when my heart just fell when he didn't want to accept my letter of apology or voice message. Maybe I was also starting to think here I am doing all the effort and he was still angry with me.

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I thought this was funny. If you guys got a live feed, you might think I'm more of a jerk than what I've presented on this board.

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I'm not sure I'm following you with this statement. Can you please explain? By the way, you did not insult me.

Here's something that maybe you guys can advise, because I just don't get it or don't see it. Since I gave him the hug, we've been going golfing and having dinner together. Yea, its been nice. Also, we spend less time in separate room and we've actually seen a couple of movies on dvd. But there's one thing I don't get. Its been several days since we made up and he STILL has yet to kiss me in the morning before he goes to work. He doesn't kiss me unless I initiate it first. And he doesn't call me during the day to check in either. Why won't he initiate anything eventhough we've made up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 10:31pm

That is AWESOME that you gave him a hug and it lead to something positive!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 9:39am

Hi Casey,

My comment about the low self-esteem was said because I believe that when you react a certain way; wanting to solve things right away, not being able to let go and let the other person breathe, letting the issue take over 100% of your thoughts. People who react this way are afraid of what might happen. (I am one of them, but I have an easier time now). You'll find that when you don't react that way, you'll feel so much happier that ou can actually control your feelings. That's a great feeling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 10:00am

I totally agree with firstamendment. I do not think he was mad at you for 7 days. I think you just thought he was. I bet he was just as worried about approaching you as you were him. You said you were afraid of him possibly rejecting you if you gave him a hug. Don't you think perhaps he feared the same type of rejection or another arguement?

You said "why was the hug the only way to get past it?" Who cares??? It got you past it.
I want a hug every morning before my D/H goes to work. I'd love a kiss too but he's not a morning person. It's all I can do to get a hug. If he had his way, he'd probably walk right out the door without so much as a goodbye. That's him. I can't expect him to act like me, because then he wouldn't be himself right? Who cares if you have to be the one that give him a kiss or hug each morning. Do you want him to be a carbon copy of you, or do you want him to be himself? If the kiss is important to you, YOU do it. Because it's important to you doesn't mean it has to be important to him. He's not you.

As for checking in during the day, there are days that my DH and I send each other texts all day, little flirty things. There are other days I'll send him one and get no reply all day. Should I sit and worry about why he didn't answer my text or phone call, or should I think that he must have a lot going on at work today? Then again maybe he's just not in the mood to text and I am fine with that. Should I start analyzing and wonder why he didn't return my call all day, or why didn't he text? I don't feel I should. I am secure enough in our relationship to not take these things personally.

Now you two are past it all. I think it's time to stop over analyzing every move he makes, and just start enjoying the time you are now spending together again. Understand that it's over, done, past, never to be brought up again. Just like children, people learn by example. If you are happy, non-argumentive, and enjoying life, and time with your D/H, I bet that will rub off and you'll see him making changes too. As I've stated before. My D/H is a big ole grump. So many people have seen such huge changes in him since we've been together. It's definitely not because I talk him to death about things, or constantly tell what he's doing wrong. He says the thing he loves most about me is that I'm always happy, never complaining, etc. He ENJOYS being aroud me for this reason. My happiness rubs off on him.

None of us are suggesting that your D/H is perfect or doesn't have some growing to do as far as your relationship. It's just that you can't change him, he has to do that. You can only change you. I honestly feel though that the happier you are and the more effort you put in your marriage, he'll start reacting the same way.

I think it's GREAT that you took that first step and hugged him. Keep it up, put forth tons of effort, and don't expect it to always be each of you giving 50%. Give 100% and see if that doesn't make him react differently. Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 11:28am

I was thinking about this more, and perhaps you need to change how you are looking at this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 6:23pm

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Yes, I actually thought he was mad because he was "defensive" and his tone was "abrasive". I guess I just don't know how to handle both of these when he gets that way.

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Yes, it is the norm. Ever since our big arguement (which was 2 weeks ago) the checking during the day has STOPPED.

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I'm asleep when he kisses me on the cheek before he goes to work. I hardly ever hear him in the morning but I do notice when he does kiss me (he thinks I'm asleep). How do I bring up the "checking during the day" and "why he doesn't kiss me in the morning". How should I say it in a positive tone?

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I gotta admit, I thought this was pretty funny.

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You know, you are absolutely right with this statement, however, I DO keep thinking about it. I was the ONE that had to put forth MORE effort. Sure, it turned out ok...but did it really turn out ok? You see, he is still abrasive (sometimes) when we talk. I don't know how to "adjusts" to his abrasiveness. And, there's not a whole lot of affection between us either. Sure we go golfing and its been nice, however, there's still things missing (affection, him calling to check in, kissing me before he leaves for work and the abrasiveness in his tone). So, are we really past it?

alesssia - thanks for your advice, I appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 11:09pm

>>>How do I bring up the "checking during the day" and "why he doesn't kiss me in the morning". How should I say it in a positive tone?<<<


I'm not sure the best way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 4:25pm

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I think these are really good suggestions. But I'm actually thinking about second thoughts of not bringing it up. I don't want to appear as I'm "nitpicking". Do you think that would be even if I were to take your suggestions?

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You may have something here. Maybe that's why I really don't think he's into me as much as before this recent arguement began (2 weeks ago). The kissing me in the morning, not checking up on me during the day, and when he comes home, he doesn't kiss me FIRST. He's always kissed me first before he does his thing. Maybe with all the arguements and especially with the most recent arguement he hasn't been reaching out as much. OR...maybe he STILL is mad. Do you remember in my conversation dialogue (in my other thread called Am I really wrong) when I asked him why are you still angry? He replied "I am angry at you because I can be". For some reason this has stuck because this STILL aren't right between us before this arguement. I want it back but I just don't know how to get back on track before the arguement began? Does this make sense?

By the way, I guess I have alot to learn in trying to stay positive when I don't feel very much loved right now by my hubby. I feel I am putting forth effort and really haven't gotten anything back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 4:43pm

I think you get it back by being patient (weeks or a few months, not years) and giving what you can, hoping that he comes around with time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 5:35pm

Casey,

I do hope you can find a way to stay positive and work on things. I think it will be worth it in the end. It may seem like things aren't right yet but it hasn't been very long since the argument. It just takes a little time. I would continue to kiss him first when he comes home. Even though kissing you when he gets home, or checking in with you during the day are things he used to do, he didn't necessarily stop doing them because he's mad. I sent my DH a text today telling him I loved him with no reply. Sure I love it when he texts me back, or calls (and he used to all the time) but if he doesn't I'm ok with that. I don't take it personally. As for me, I wouldn't bring it up to him about you wanting him to check in with you in the day, because I would see it as nagging. (even though he may not) I would wait until one day he does, and I'd be sure to tell him "thank you for calling today, it means so much to me when I hear from you in the day" Good Luck to you both.

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