Would this help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Would this help?
62
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 3:33pm

Sorry for starting another thread, but I wanted to start a clean thread. If this thread needs to be merged with my other thread, please do so.

After playing golf 3 days in a row, my hubby stayed home yesterday. Like I mentioned in my other thread, we were cordial. I did NOT talk about anything to him because I wanted to re-evaluate some things that I can work on...such as not pushing when he doesn't want to talk. I've read and been thinking about this "main" conversation piece that my hubby said 2 night ago. (please read below)

Hubby: See, that's exactly what I mean about the denial. There you go again in denial. You like to fight and let the whole world know our business and I'm not like that. You like to yell and scream. I don't like to yell and scream. I am passive-agressive. I'll let it go and then I have to yell back. I know myself that I don't yell. You say I'm the one that starts the yelling first, however, I know I don't do that. Like I said I let it go until I'm pushed into a corner. All the yelling and screaming, its like emotional abuse. I can't deal with it and I don't know how to handle it.

I have painted a picture of myself that I like to fight, in reality, I don't like to. However, my hubby thinks I do. How can I:

1. Get my hubby to know that I don't like to fight. It seems like when I open my mouth, he thinks I'm going to start one. Maybe he already thinks that I'm going to fight as soon as I open my mouth, however, I don't want to give him this impression anymore. What are some suggestions?

2. After I gave him the letter of apology, he said "You still don't understand why I am upset". The things that come to mind is (1) he thinks I blame and criticize and then tells the whole world our business (like at the golf course); and (2) He thinks I like to fight, scream and yell. So my question is should I write him another letter validating his feelings on these issues?

I took the suggestion by dirextor about TELLING your hubby that you are committed in this marriage and that you are there for him when he feels comfortable enough to discuss it.

I also took the suggestion by about checking check in with him in a few days and ask if he would like to chat (well, I kind of did it in a round about way.

I left him a voice message stating that "I am committed to the marriage for life and that I will be here for him when he feels comfortable enough to discuss it, even if I litterally have to put tape over my mouth if this would help". (Yes, I actually stated the tape over my mouth in the message. I did 2 things I wanted to accomplish, letting my hubby know I am here and committed to this marriage and brought up if he would like to chat and then I DROPPED it. Don't worry, I will not be bringing this up again. After that, I changed the subject about something else that had NOTHING to do with the relationship)

I hope this voice message that I left my hubby was ok that he doesn't think I am trying to push. I'm NOT trying to push, really I'm not because I'm learning to drop it after one time but I wanted to take the advice from orangcuse just to check in.

Any thoughts, suggestion and advice? By the way, since I joined this board, I have really truly learned alot from everyone and after many posts, I actually am getting this eventhough it may not look that way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 4:37pm

Oh boy. By the looks of things, I guess I need to be a bit more clearer regarding the laundry.

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First up, it would appear that your husband values laundry detergent more than your health.>>

I really thought I was clear about the laundry, but after reading this, I guess I wasn't

Ok, let me set the record straight. My hubby does NOT...repeat...does NOT value detergent more than me. He does his own laundry because of my allergic reactions. He actually wanted to throw the detergent away, but I told him not to. So, he said "I don't want you doing my laundry". He even gets upset when I do his laundry. But sometimes, I do because I know he appreciates it. You see, many times he works 15 hours a day and when he gets home, he's tired. I will admit, I have only done his laundry 5 times since we've been together. So, please, its ME and NOT him regarding the laundry. The rash that I get goes away after a few days, but like I said, I've only done his laundry 5 times. I don't make it a habit. Once his detergent is gone, he will be using the same detergent as me. I hope this clears the laundry issue.

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He does the cooking when he doesn't work 15 hours in a day. Otherwise, I do my best in cooking a meal every once in a while. Oh yea, one more thing, I HATE to cook, therefore, I don't put alot of effort into it, Obviously, my hubby didn't marry me for my cooking when he met me, therefore, I don't think it will hurt him if I don't cook. He actually told me he would rather do the cooking but he has told me he very much appreciates when I do cook for him even if its pre-packaged stuff. At least the veggies that I cooked aren't pre-packaged.

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Even if your partner didn't know how to cook and his heart was in the right place, you STILL would laugh at him?

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If you really want to show your love, learn to cook and prepare healthy meals. Learning to do something you find difficult is true love.>>

I'm actually the healthy person. He doesn't like my healthy food that I cook because I put no season, sauce or salt, etc. Therefore, I'll buy stuff that he likes and I'll cook or bake it for him.

By the way, you guys always read about the bad stuff about my hubby. Well, here is something that gave me the warm fuzzy feeling. Yesterday, we went golfing and while we were walking to the next hole, he pulled my golf cart up to where I was standing, wrapped his arms around me and gave me a real nice loving hug and kiss that just melted my heart. Just thought I would share.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 5:22pm

"Yesterday, we went golfing and while we were walking to the next hole, he pulled my golf cart up to where I was standing, wrapped his arms around me and gave me a real nice loving hug and kiss that just melted my heart."

Casey, that is GREAT NEWS! You can build on this one little step at a time to create thestrong and loving relationship you both want.

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