Would It Bug You ...??

Avatar for bearkizz
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Registered: 03-30-2003
Would It Bug You ...??
17
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 12:54pm

What is it about a man who can compliment (with his friends around) every woman he finds attractive but can't compliment the woman he has intimate relations with?

What is it about a man who can talk about anything (with his friends around) but when alone with the woman he is involved with he acts as if he is "talked out."?

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Avatar for bearkizz
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Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 11:00am
10 more months to go ...
Avatar for bearkizz
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Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 11:23am

See, now I considered that idea myself, but then there was a situation yesterday that made me ponder wether it is more of a control issue ....

Yesterday was Darlene's (my friend) son's 7th birthday ... she had a neighborhood party for him .... Daniel (her BF) ignored her for the most part and made a bigger deal of complimenting the other women vs. her .... One of his "issues" lately is harping on her about her cooking, infact he'll go so far as to say that he'll "Starve to death if you keep cooking like crap" ... Thing is, she cooks like a dream,and all of the other guest were thanking her and asking for recipes ... shortly after that I'm in her kitchen fixing a drink when I hear Daniel in the hallway saying to her, "I hope this is making you feel good because they are MY friends and only saying that not to hurt your feelings." (talking about her cooking) ....

It's beginning to feel awkward being around them both .... A couple of us are feeling as though we are in the "middle" and yet we can't say what we are being pulled into the middle of ... He doesn't hit on any of her female friends but he makes a grand display of complimenting them in front of her ... we can be in sweats and all smelly but he'll tell us we are the sexiest thing alive (big Ha Ha on that one) whereas Darlene can come walking out in a gorgeous ballgown and he'll refrain from saying anything as though SHE'S the one in holey sweats ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 4:20pm

Yes, I admit that I've got an aggressive streak, but why are you and others saying nothing when you overhear conversations such as the one about the food? I wouldn't say anything if I'd been told stuff in confidence - but if conversations are overheard, then they're fair game as far as I'm concerned ;-)

If I heard that conversation in the next room, I'd interrupt and have a go at him. Likewise, if he complimented me in sweats while ignoring her, I'd also have a go at him. Something to the effect of asking him why he's complimenting me and ignoring her. And also telling him that I find his behaviour abhorrent.

I'm also wondering about her self esteem. If I *was* a poor cook, then I'd tell him to quit complaining and pick up a saucepan. If I was a *great* cook, he'd be shown the door. I recall an old boyfriend *complaining* that eating from my kitchen was like eating at a restaurant every night. (He liked boring food). He didn't last long LOL




Edited 11/20/2005 4:23 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 5:35pm

Glad to hear you're out of your situation, Bearkizz, you deserve so much more than you were getting there. Hearing you're out is very good news.


What you're describing IMO is abuse, pure and simple. The guy loves to tear her down, it probably makes him feel better about himself.


I think Aisha's method would likely get her more pain and misery after everyone's gone home, he'll find a way to blame her for his being called on the carpet, but I'm not sure I could stop myself from telling him what he was saying was pure bull. I would absolutely let her know how wrong he is thought, she needs to hear that.


The big question is why does she stay? Listening to that crap from someone who's supposed to be your partner and your support system? He's doing nothing but destroy her. And every much as big an issue is what watching that is doing to her 7-year old son. Not only the example of how to treat a woman but the statement his mother is making about her own worth. Typically in these kinds of situations, it's only a matter of time before he learns it well enough from the boyfriend and learns from his mother that she doesn't deserve respect that she'll be hearing her boyfriend's words begin to flow from her son's mouth.


I hope she's been introduced to Dealing With Domestic Abuse board and Domestic Abuse Board’s Homepage . If she doesn't think what she's living is verbal and emotional abuse, reading the posts and articles will be an eye opener and hopefully a step out of her situation.







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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 6:51pm

>> think Aisha's method would likely get her more pain and misery after everyone's gone home, he'll find a way to blame her for his being called on the carpet, but I'm not sure I could stop myself from telling him what he was saying was pure bull. I would absolutely let her know how wrong he is thought, she needs to hear that<<

Yes, I can see your point and it's a very valid one. I'm kinda torn between knowing that it could make things worse - and the fact that I have a zero tolerance for bullying. In my kid's school they have zero tolerance and from what I understand, the kids are taught that it's OK to stand up to a bully and defend your friends. They are taught that by doing nothing they are condoning the behaviour. But is the flipside of this just going to result in more subversive behaviour from the bully?

However, all that being said, I could not keep quiet if the things he said involved me. If he used expressions such as "everyone thinks" - then I would have to say my piece and make it known that he does not speak for me. Likewise, I would not accept him complimenting me when he was ignoring her. Nor would he be welcome in my home.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
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Registered: 12-31-2004
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 9:21pm

You need to learn to turn that around on him and make him say it to her... when he goes overboard complimenting you in front of her, throw it back in his face: "Thank you, but don't you think _____(friend's name here) looks wonderful, too? You're always complimenting everyone but her... what about it? Don't you think _____________ is gorgeous (cooks divinely, witty, brilliant)?"

See, the reason why he gets away with it is because no one ever flings it back in his teeth.

Avatar for bearkizz
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Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 11:58am

Excellent idea !!!

You are right, none of us have considered that approach, most of us are too busy feeling uncomfortable and trying to play it off or move away from the situation and I can see where that just continues to leave him the upper-hand.

Thank you.

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