Would love some honest opinions
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| Tue, 06-06-2006 - 10:57pm |
This is my first time on this message board. I guess I am desperate and would be so grateful for any feedback. I really can't (or choose not to) discuss my marital problems with family and the few friends that I do have, but I need some opinions, because I don't know how serious my problems really are. I just know that I am very unhappy.
First, I've been married for 17 years and we have 3 kids together--15, 12, and 1. I also raised my 2 stepdaughters from his first marriage, now out of the house, ages 23 and 18. In our 17 years of marriage, we've never been without conflict and stress. We have had happy times and have made efforts to improve, but we just can't seem to get where we want to be.
Just a few examples from this past week:
1) He started his own business a little over a year ago. We have taken about $40,000 out in home equity to help jump start it, as well as cashing in his 401K completely. Things are finally looking promising financially, as in we are making enough profit to pay our bills. Dh will not let me have access to his business account, which makes me nervous. I have always paid the bills and he is very irresponsible with paying anything on time. This month, he was late in transferring money from his business account to our joint checking account and when he finally did, it was just enough to cover our mortgage and that's it! It was $3000 short of what he told me it would be. He just did it and never warned me about it, so when I discovered it early on Sat. morning, I woke him up with some questions, and then we had some angry words. I am upset with him not because we are not making as much money as we need to be, but because he is not communicating with me and keeping me in the dark. He is upset with me because I am "controlling" and don't trust him.
2) We took our 12 year old out for lunch after her city track meet to celebrate her season. When it was time to get ready to go, he jumps in the shower. Our 1 yr old is pretty high maintenance, so I couldn't get ready at all, so I drove her over to our babysitters early and then began driving home to get ready (just change clothes and put on deoderant and makeup--15 minutes tops). Dh calls me and says "We'll meet you there". I tell him no, I just need 15 minutes and we can go as a family. It's a recurring theme. He likes to drive to church separately, go to the kid's events separately. You'd think I am ugly or something, but actually I am not at all, but for some reason, he likes to do everything without me. So we are in the parking lot and I tell him I just need one minute to put on eye liner, and he gets out of the car along with our 12 yr old and when I get to the lobby, he is no where in sight. They had already been seated. He does this to me all of the time. We go out on a date to the movies, and he leaves me in the dust. I always have to walk alone or 10 feet behind him because he walks so fast.
Needless to say, we didn't have a good lunch, which was a shame for my daughter. :(
3) Worst one--thank you if you have read this far--my 15 yr old wanted a sleepover this Friday and I said no. She has 6 final exams the following week and she takes all advanced classes. The previous weekend, she had friends over. The following weekend, she is having her sweet 16 party. She said that she asked me and I said yes, but I honestly don't remember saying yes to this weekend and even if I had, as her mother, I think I have the right to change it to a "no" for a good reason. She wouldn't accept my answer of "no", so she went to my husband, and he actually took her side and said that I shouldn't go back on my original yes. He said he would watch the girls. I am so angry about this. I believe he did this just because he was angry with me for the above two incidents and he knew how hurt I would be by this. The other thing is that I do 99% of the parenting to his 1%, and he really should have stood up for me.
I feel like my dh doesn't love or respect me. I'm pretty depressed about it. I have been sleeping on our sofa for two nights and have no desire to speak to him. He doesn't seem to care one way or the other. I told him that I wish he would just have an affair and leave me, that the way he is treating me makes me feel like crap.
Am I overreacting? I could give 100 more scenarios but the recurring theme is that my dh just doesn't respect me and really doesn't make an effort to change at all. He would say that I just want to be miserable and nothing makes me happy. I think just the opposite, that I am easy to please. I do have high standards in life, regarding goals, morals, etc., but I am harder on myself than anyone else. I raised his daughters, which was the hardest thing I have ever done, I took care of his mother the last year of her life in our home, I allowed his sister and her two teens into our home for six months several years ago. I have really been there for him. I don't want to leave him, but I would be relieved if he left me. Does that make any sense at all?
Thoughts? Thanks for reading.

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Cl,
I understand that. I guess just having his moods evened out more is more stable for me. And that is 100% thanks to the anti-depressants. Which I realize.
He has decided to go to a SA meeting on Monday. Yea!
Jen
Yea on the SA! Great step to take, and all on his own too!
I just wanted to make sure you knew he was bound to have plenty of hard days and struggles ahead. And I hate to be negative, but at this stage you don't know that he'd going to stick with it. Of course, the fact that he's interested, taking it in and recognizing aspects of it is very promising.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Probably the main reason he decided that he needed SA was because he can feel the pressure getting worse again. The job loss was a major trigger last year and here it is again, with an added kid to boot. We were talking the other night and he asled me how to NOT succumb and I told him that just isn't somewhere I can go right now. I can't be his "sponsor". I need to know whether or not he's having a hard day and struggling, but I just can't be the one he calls in a crisis. (Though I did say that if he couldn't get ahold of anyone else, he could call me instead of dealing with it all on his own.) And that's when he decided that maybe a 12 step is something he needs. So he could have people there to deal with the parts I just can't do.
I don't know. I guess I just feel it's different to be told that you're having issues but that you are working on controlling them with help from others, versus calling in crisis.
Jen
You're right, you're not an appropriate person for him to talk to during trigger times. He needs a sponsor, and you cannot fill that role. When he gets to his SA meetings he'll get a list of names he can call during tough times, and there are national numbers available if it comes to that. There shouldn't be a need to call you, doing so will not help you, him, or your marriage. I don't understand why he's asking you how not to succumb when he's got a sex addiction counselor he's working with? That's where the answers are, not with you, and if he's struggling he should be calling them. Honestly Jen, you couldn't "go there" with telling him how not to succumb because you don't know. Just like I wouldn't know what to tell my husband about staying away from gambling. I'm not a gambling addiction therapist, I'm not a GA member who's been there, I can't begin to speak to something like that. For what it's worth, I don't think you need to know that he's having a hard day or struggling, that throws you into codependant mode, causes you stress and worry about an issue that you can do nothing about and isn't yours to worry about, and does nothing positive for your marriage. He's the one with the struggle, it's his to wrestle, not yours.
Jen, this post really outlines how important working with a sex addiction counseling is for you. You can't deal with any of the parts of his addiction. That's his to do. You have no place there, period. You've got lots to work on, but his addiction isn't it.
SA meetings will be good for him, regular 12-step based meetings are a part of the lives of most successful recovering addicts. "30 meetings in 30 days" is a mantra you'll hear from many new in recovery. My husband believes that GA will be a part of his life for the rest of his life. He's been in recovery for over a year and attends two meeting a week. He started with a "regular" meeting, and once he felt that he had some time and stability under his belt and was ready to move on, he added a 12-step meeting. Those who are successful in recovery are generally actively involved in their continued recovery.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I don't want him to tell me so I can fix it or anything like that. Honestly, I want to know because when he ISN'T telling me (and I mean a brief update like-- there really wasn't any issues today, or I struggled a bit but did okay) I tend to think that the urges are really there and it scares me. If I know he's going to talk to me about it, I calm down. I'm not trying to "fix" or control but I need to know what's going on so I don't imagine things being worse. I don't want to know so I can help him, I want to know, right now anyway, so I can be calmer. And I figure once things start to stablize more, that will change too. And when he does tell me anything I don't offer suggestions other than SA meetings :).
The big conversation we had was the night before his 2nd counseling appt. He did talk to his counselor about our conversation the next day.
Jen
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