7 Signs You Should Run From Your Partner

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
7 Signs You Should Run From Your Partner
15
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 9:53pm

Seven Signs You Should Run From Your Partner
By Rinatta Paries <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />


The relationship questions asked most frequently are all basically the same. First people will explain certain undesirable behaviors their partners are displaying. Then they'll ask whether they should tolerate these behaviors or whether they are making too big an issue of them.


There are, in fact, certain behaviors that should not be tolerated because they damage and will eventually destroy the relationship.


If you are in a brand-new relationship and your partner exhibits one or some of the behaviors below, you may want to consider walking away. If you stay, you may be getting much more trouble, headache and heartache then you bargained for.


If you are in a committed relationship and are invested in staying, or if you are planning to get engaged or married soon and some of these behaviors show up, try to work through them. Since you have already invested time, effort and your heart into the relationship, the relationship may be strong enough to withstand the necessary change. But hold off on making a deeper commitment to each other until the issues are resolved. Commitment and marriage tend to make issues worse rather than better.


Finally, if you are married, you probably want to do everything possible to save your marriage. If the two of you are dealing with any of the issues below, the most effective way of overcoming them is with outside expert help.


1. Excessive Flirtation
People in committed relationships, even in early committed relationships, should not be flirting with others in a way that makes their partner uncomfortable.


Here is the measuring stick: If your partner tells you about the flirting or you witness your partner flirting and neither of you flinches, the flirtation is OK. Otherwise it is not and you should be rightly bothered. This is, of course, assuming that you are not overly insecure and that you do not view any interaction your partner has with others as flirting.


2. Man/Woman Watching
Some discreet man/woman watching may occasionally be OK. But when it is blatant and intrusive, it becomes a relationship problem. You are not too sensitive if this bothers you. You should not have to learn to get over this and you should not have to learn to tolerate this behavior.


3. Infidelity
Unless you have a workable open-marriage agreement with your partner, you absolutely should not tolerate infidelity. There is simply no excuse for it. Alcohol, loneliness, anger, etc., are not good reasons to get involved with other people when you are in a relationship.


4. Another Relationship
OK, I know people get involved with those who are already in another relationship with the hope that they will "win" and the other relationship will end. But in reality this seldom happens. If you are involved in this kind of a relationship, perhaps it's time to give your partner an ultimatum. Set a drop-the-relationship-date by which your partner will willingly release the other relationship or you.


5. Romantic Contact From Other People
Why would someone in a relationship be getting phone calls, mail or e-mail of a romantic nature from other people? And why would the other person in the relationship tolerate this?


I think often it is because the partner somehow does not place responsibility for what's happening where it belongs -- squarely on the shoulders of the person who is receiving the communication.


If communication is ongoing, it is not accidental or victimization; it is invited and your partner is getting something out of it. To avoid a surge of feedback from those of you who may disagree with this point, let me say that there are now many easy ways to block unwanted communication, both on regular phones, cell phones and e-mail.


You are not too sensitive to feel threatened and to wonder if you are about to lose the relationship or be cheated on. Both may happen next.


6. Frequent Reactive or Angry Behaviors
Almost everyone has a frustrated moment, day or even a week. Life can get very hectic and stressful at times. But, if your partner is reactive or angry most of the time, for an extended period of time, this may just be the way he or she is.


If the two of you have repeatedly tried to problem-solve and yet nothing seems to cool the reactiveness and anger, you may want to ask yourself if you want this on ongoing basis.


7. 'It's All Your Fault'
Every relationship has issues or problems that need to be discussed. For some this happens sooner rather than later. But make no mistake -- this happens in every relationship. In fact, problems are an inherent part of being in a relationship.


However, if your partner categorically refuses to acknowledge and deal with his or her contribution to the problem and instead says in one way or another that it's all your fault, you have a serious problem on your hands. How will you move on and build a deeper relationship if your current problems cannot be resolved?


You are not pushy to ask your partner to deal with what needs to be dealt with. You have every right to ask for an active partner in a relationship.









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 4:19pm
That's great!


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 1:14am
Maybe my question sounds dumb, but I have problem number 7 with my partner (always thinking everything is my fault and not dealing with a problem on hand). I feel like I can't talk to him because when I do he gets bothered or angry and just shuts the conversation closed by letting me go, hanging up etc..it is very frustrating for me. Is that reason enough to run from your partner?

P.S. He has been like this for a while.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 2:38pm
In my opinion yes, because he if he's unwilling to look at what he contributes to the relationship, arguments, situation, then it will always be this way and eventually your self-esteem will be chipped away and you will believe what he's saying.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 7:50am
I think we need to look at the reasons for our own behaviour first. He may be right in saying it's all your fault if you constantly load all your problems onto him. I'm not saying that is your case, but I've realised that I had very high expectations and was trying to get him to match them. He is his own person and will do things in his way. He may have different priorities to mine but that is not necessarily wrong, if we are together it's because I accept him being who he is. The only wrong thing is if one person tries to make the other like them or tries to stop the other person from doing what they want. If that is the case the person that is being manipulated is right in saying it's all your fault.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2002
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 8:44am
How about Dishonesty and Lying, Could you PLEASE look right up above in General Discussions at "Hiding past Marriage and 3 Kids for a Year" and Give me any advice you can. I have only been married for a month. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 10:28pm

Great article!








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 12:49am
bump!

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 3:44pm
I just posted an article above (Pre-wedding issues) - I thought this article was good and also the one on trust. I am thinking it is maybe time to run from my partner - unfortunately very close to our wedding that many people have made travel arrangements for - but there you go. The way I am looking at my situation at the moment is that my partner expects me to have absolute trust in him even though he hangs out with his friends who cheat on their partners and involves himself in suspicious situations. I realised that it was ok not to trust him and to say I love you, I think you are a good person, I really want to believe you but if you do suspicious things and hang out with these people it really does put some doubts in my mind. I don't think he is going to change his behaviour - think its time to go unless something really radical happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 9:37am
Can I add #8?

Alcohol or drug abuse. This one issue has created more heartache and pain for couples than anything else. If you are involved with someone who has a drinking or drug problem, you are setting yourself up for disaster.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 9:43am
And he always will be like this because he doesn't see where he is accountable for anything in the relationship. I had a husband like this for a very long time. Nothing I ever did was right, and no matter what the issue he was never at fault. He would accept no responsibility for his actions, thoughts, words, deeds in any way. After many years, my self-esteem was zip. I actually began to believe that I was to blame for everything.

Please, sweetie, don't let this happen to you. There are men in the world who WILL take on half the responsibility of a relationship, including the emotional half. The man you have now never will. You will continue to be a fault forever.

Pages