How to Have Sex (for men)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
How to Have Sex (for men)
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 1:34am
(This is a very good newspaper article that was forwarded to me. It should be required reading for young men and passed to some older ones as well.)

Having sex is a very, very easy thing to do.

I know many of you would disagree, but if you're an entertaining, healthy, funny man, who's good company, knows a bit about the world and knows how to shag, you'll have offers raining down on you from all quarters for sex if you understand one thing. It's not about you.

If you want to be a man who is spoken well of by women who have slept with you, who gets good 'references', so to speak, I reckon this is what you need to keep first and foremost in your mind: it's not about you.

It's not about you shoving your penis in a woman, moving it around, getting a shot off and bolting down the pub. So what is it about, then?

It's about her.

It's about bringing your partner pleasure, it's about making her feel comfortable, it's about making her feel magnificent, and if you're able to do all those things, your enjoyment of the act, the experience, is going to be increased tenfold because the more you can make a woman feel like a woman, the more you feel like a man.

Is there any manlier experience than completely satisfying a woman, leaving her exhausted, glowing with the pleasure you've been able to bring her? Kicking a footy don't even enter the rankings.

Before we get into this, I've had a few emails from younger male readers asking some surprisingly simple sex questions, so I thought I'd give you another chapter from my book Building a Better Bloke.

Apologies if some of this seems bleeding obvious to the more 'experienced' reader, but you never know, even anon could learn something.

Slow it down

If I've heard one consistent criticism of men in bed it's that they do things too quickly.

Women are not a gearbox to be thrashed through as fast as possible, and, weirdly, third gear does not always follow second in the bedroom. I like to think of the female body as a lush, exotic new land that you've got all day to explore, so I do not recommend you jam your digits into whatever dark crevices you encounter; rather, wait for the things to warm up and she will open of her own accord.

My advice is to go slowly, and as she gets turned on, you'll find she wants you to touch her more and more.

Say you're kissing on the couch - don't immediately dive your hand between her legs and start massaging her breasts like they're mounds of wholemeal dough. Kiss her gently, softly, use your tongue judiciously, get the rhythm right. Bite her lips tenderly, then break away, give her a smile perhaps, smell her neck, touch her face, then start again.

This is where personal hygiene comes into play, because if you practice it religiously, instead of worrying whether your breath stinks or if you're prickling her with your beard, you know you're clean, you know you smell great, you know you taste good. It breeds confidence.

From long experience I can tell you women want you to touch their bodies, but they don't want it to be the first thing you do. If you spend some time feeling a woman's waist, or her legs, sooner or later she's going to wonder when you'll touch the rest of her. It builds tension.

If you're taking things slowly, you can brush her nipples, move your hands over her bum and it'll just stoke the fire because she's wondering why she doesn't have to fight your hands off like every other juvenile male she's kissed in her life.

By the time you've been kissing her for fifteen minutes, she'll want you to touch elsewhere, but again, don't dive straight for her vagina. Pop a button or two on her blouse and see where that leads you. If she seems happy about it and doesn't start doing them up, reach for her breast, stroke it gently, kiss it, but under no circumstance should you be squeezing like she's a display in a fruit shop.

Women's breasts can be incredibly sensitive, so don't treat the nipple like a toggle on a PlayStation controller, be reverential; imagine it's the head of your own penis.

As a rule of thumb, never take more clothes off than the woman you are with. It is incredibly disconcerting for a woman to be kissing a man and look down to see he's suddenly got his pants around his ankles and an erect penis blinking up at her.

When you undress a woman, don't tear at her clothes like you're a child unwrapping a Christmas present, allow her to retain some dignity, peel the layers away, compliment her on what you're seeing, kiss her gently, smell her skin, bite her softly, suck.

Most women, indeed, most people are somewhat insecure about the way they look naked, so be expressive, be appreciative but not fawning - you want to seem like you're experienced, but not jaded.

Now you can take some clothes off yourself - start with your shirt and then your socks. Suggest she help you or that she does it herself. There's lots of right ways to do this, however, if you've seen those college prank websites you'll know that there is not a worse look than a naked man in his socks - you could be Brad Pitt and still look like a nerd.

Again, this is where your preparation comes in and if you insist on wearing skid-marked, cartoon character underpants when you go out, you may well come unstuck at the last hurdle, my friend.

By now, hopefully, you're both naked - and yes, aren't you glad your toenails don't look like twisted pieces of bark? Aren't you happy you soaped your bush twice? Let's just hope she has as well.


Going down on a woman is a personal preference but lemme assure you, if you're not into giving oral sex, don't expect to be receiving it too often from your partners.

Where is the clitoris? This can be difficult, because they come in all shapes and sizes, but first you need to locate her inner labia (or lips) and it will usually be at the top of what's called the genital cleft. It looks like a small, flesh coloured Tic Tac and is best seen in the light.

Once you've got a bit of experience, you'll easily locate it with your fingers or tongue in the dark. To remove all doubt, Google the phrase 'locating the clitoris' and you'll find plenty of websites and pictures. Don't do this at work.

Do not be scared of a woman's clitoris, but do not assault it. No two women will like being eaten in the same way so, though your ex-girlfriend may have loved you grinding your tongue over the little man in the boat, the next woman you meet may like it to be softly brushed with the tip.

It's all trial and error, but a woman will usually tell you if you're doing something extraordinarily bad. The very fact you're aware different women like different pressures and angles can make you sound worldly, so don't be afraid to ask. A simple 'You like that?' can lead you in the right direction.

Remember as well, it's not all about the clitoris, either - in some women this is way too sensitive to touch very much, or at all. The whole vulva and the area around it is sensitive in most women, so don't be afraid to explore and to use your hands.

If you want to read more about this, try She Comes First by Ian Kerner. There's also Box Lunch by Diana Cage, who writes from a lesbian perspective but the book is aimed at both men and women, or The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus by Violet Blue.

Maybe don't read them on the bus.


Instructing someone how to have sex is kinda like telling them how to dance - everyone has their own style, and many, many different styles can work for a man. That said, there are a few things that can kill a bloke dead in the bedroom.

Sex is not a porn movie - yes, it can go down that road and it can be a lot of fun, but turning a woman on her head and trying to drive your dick into her bum usually doesn't go down well the first time you have sex.

Hydraulically slamming a woman into submission might look good on a DVD, but it can be painful for some women - though many do enjoy a good slamming. My advice? Mix it up. Go fast, go slow. Be tender, be a little rough. Let her get on top, then you have a go.

Keep in mind that a lot of women don't really enjoy being pounded for hours, despite what Ron Jeremy might lead you believe. And remember what the sex experts say, seven to 13 minutes is juuust right, so don't get hung up if you're not shagging 'til dawn.

The bed is your sandpit, so don't be afraid to use all the edges. Use a wall or the frame of the bed to give yourself a bit of leverage with your feet, to go that little bit deeper - she'll tell you if it hurts or is uncomfortable.

Grind in circles, be sensitive, make it about her, don't talk like a porn star or get too soppy in the beginning. Avoid discussing the political situation in East Timor while you're inside her. Be present. Have fun.

Sometimes you will date a woman and be tearing each other's clothes off and barely kiss each other before you're grinding away in the hallway.

Sex can be dirty, it can be frantic and sweaty and over very quickly, but as a rule, if you've met a woman you want to please, who you want see again, take it slow, Joe.

Oh, and perhaps don't do it in a Mini-Minor.

"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"