Battling w/ trust issues still...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Battling w/ trust issues still...
4
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 1:45pm

I struggle with trusting my SO fully and not believing everything he says :( Logically, I know I need to mature, that this mentality is unhealthy so I try my best to ignore the skepticism I feel and just have faith, just trust that hes being honest with me every step of the way but it seems to be a very challenging task for me especially since I am an EXTREMELY territorial woman and paranoid about being cheated on. Hes very territorial as well but seems to be more secure because he doesn't seem to have trust issues like I do. Its just I constantly hear about infidelity in relationships and it literally sickens me. Just the thought of someone you loving so much betraying you like that is terrible. He has not shown me any real evidence to warrant my mistrust but the thing is, people usually have no idea they're being cheated on until months or even years into the relationship! I admit, that has made me paranoid. What if this guy is good at hiding those types of things? Especially since he has a FB and I dont ('cause I dont care for one yet). He tells me he doesn't communicate with other women on there but I dont believe him. I have asked him to delete his account before but he refused, says he likes keeping in touch with his "boys" on there, putting up videos and its good for networking if he ever wants to, that I need to trust him. I decided to not bring it up to him anymore but the mistrust resurfaces sometimes. I dont have money for a professional therapist. What do I do? I want to adopt a different mentality just to gain some peace in my mind but Im having a hard time :( 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 1:16am
This relationship is doomed if your thinking continues in this way. No one can guarantee he will never cheat, but there ARE men who don't. Has it occurred to you he's one of those? There are enough of us out here agonizing over a spouse who did indeed cheat, but it's normal for US to be having doubts. What you're doing is just generalized anxiety, based on what you wrote, this isn't about him, it's about you. Know what? There are many of us who somehow just learn to mistrust, even when there's no proof of a good reason to do so. I'd STRONGLY advise some counseling to help you see what you're doing and what to do to make some changes. You can't change who you ARE, but you can change your behavior. If the guy does something to cause mistrust, then he deserves your mistrust. I don't hear that at all.

 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 11-03-2012 - 10:36pm

  What do you mean by territorial? "paranoid about being cheated on"  The dream of an unfaithful SO.  Yes it is poisoning yourself.

      Every item you mentioned is within yourself.  IMO it is the fear of that is the problem.  Not trust, but fear.  Where does this come from?  Security comes from within.  It your fear of an event that is unlikely.  But if you want to drive your SO nuts keep this up.

chaika

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Sat, 11-03-2012 - 6:02pm

cr001985 wrote:
Especially since he has a FB and I dont ('cause I dont care for one yet). He tells me he doesn't communicate with other women on there but I dont believe him. I have asked him to delete his account before but he refused

And rightfully so. This is highly controlling behavior and you have no right to expect him to cease using a means of communication when he's done nothing wrong. So what if he does communicate with women on FB? How is that any different to communicating with women in person? Is he also not allowed to even speak to women now? 

You need to accept that there will always be women he is in touch with and the more your try to restrict that, the more you are going to push him away.

Musiclover is right that the is no sense in worrying over something when you have no reason to believe it will happen to you. That's called paranoia - and obsessing over it will only drive you crazy. No good can come of it.

Quote:
I dont have money for a professional therapist. What do I do? I want to adopt a different mentality just to gain some peace in my mind but Im having a hard time :(

I know it seems like a cliche, but have you tried self help books? They are often written by psychologist so while you won't get personal treatment, you may still learn helpful tools to overcoming your issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 6:34pm

I don't know what the secret is for changing your mindset, but you need to if you ever want to have a successful relationship.  It makes no sense to be worried about someone cheating who has never given you any cause to distrust him just because other people cheat.  Think about that logically.  Other people have lost their jobs--do you go to work every day worried about losing your job?  Other people get in car accidents (and maybe you have too) but do you worry every day about getting into a car accident?  Eventually he's going to get sick of being mistrusted when he hasn't done anything wrong and leave you.  So you have to tell yourself logically that you will trust him unless he does something wrong.