Boyfriend's Ex-Fiance Still Trying to Contact Him

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2013
Boyfriend's Ex-Fiance Still Trying to Contact Him
12
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 11:50pm

Hi All -

I have been exclusively dating a man for over a year now.  We met at work and developed a friendship.  We have a fun, loving, warm relationship and we do love each other.  I definitely see a marriage down the road.  Following is my issue that I need advice on:

He broke up with his (ex) fiance 2-1/2 years ago.  They did love each other, but she had psychological and alcohol issues that led to physically violent episodes.  He realized he didn't want to spend eternity like that and called off the wedding and the relationship.  She has, since the breakup, continued to sporadically email, text and call him.  He has not responded to her messages, other than before I was around, to tell her that the relationship is over.  However, I only know this information from snooping.  Part of me thinks I should feel guilty for snooping, but the other half of me doesn't.  I am divorced:  older and wiser and want to look out for myself to be sure that I am not made a fool of.  I know from snooping, also, that he has told people he is a one-woman man.  I have no reason not to trust him, other than being hurt that he hasn't erased her messages or blocked her number and email.

Part of me wants to discuss this with him because it bothers me.  Another part of me just says to trust him and enjoy our relationship.

Any advice is appreciated!

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Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

sunnygirl08 wrote:
<p>Hi All -</p><p>I have been exclusively dating a man for over a year now.  We met at work and developed a friendship.  We have a fun, loving, warm relationship and we do love each other.  I definitely see a marriage down the road.  Following is my issue that I need advice on:</p><p>He broke up with his (ex) fiance 2-1/2 years ago.  They did love each other, but she had psychological and alcohol issues that led to physically violent episodes.  He realized he didn't want to spend eternity like that and called off the wedding and the relationship.  She has, since the breakup, continued to sporadically email, text and call him.  He has not responded to her messages, other than before I was around, to tell her that the relationship is over.  However, I only know this information from snooping.  Part of me thinks I should feel guilty for snooping, but the other half of me doesn't.  I am divorced:  older and wiser and want to look out for myself to be sure that I am not made a fool of.  I know from snooping, also, that he has told people he is a one-woman man.  I have no reason not to trust him, other than being hurt that he hasn't erased her messages or blocked her number and email.</p><p>Part of me wants to discuss this with him because it bothers me.  Another part of me just says to trust him and enjoy our relationship.</p><p>Any advice is appreciated!</p>

You cannot have any discussion with him without telling him that you snooped. Period. Ethically, it's what you must do. 

If you dont' trust him, then why even be in a relationship with him? What you did says that you don't trust him.

*IF* you are demanding disclosure from him you owe him disclosure yourself---otherwise, you're being deceitful, and in my book, what you did is far worse than what he's done.  All of this information could have been gotten by you asking him questions--you chose, starting out, to take a path which said "I don't believe that you will tell me the truth, so I'm going to invade your privacy to prove myself right."  What, exactly, does that say about your trustworthiness? You are guilty for snooping because that was unnecessasry.

If you keep that truth from him, then you are a liar by omission... and you've removed the moral high ground from under your feet.

Not to mention, what you did is called "interception of a communique in transit" which is a federal offense under the wiretapping statutes.  People have been successfully prosecuted for that.  Unless he gave you express permission to access his emails, then you signing in under his account and accessing his emails, which are stored on a server with an account to which you aren't the owner, is against the law.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2013

I appreciate your replying but I have to ask if you are for real?!!!  I posted this woman-to-woman, looking for others' thoughts and experiences, not to be scolded by you as a promoter of federal authority!!!  We spend most of our time together, so of course, I have "permission" to use his computer.  As far as the texts, I was looking for a photo I sent him of something funny to see if it came through on his phone, as I was not sure it had.  Do you see UFOs and black helicopters flying around too?!!!!  Seriously, why bother to post if it's just to condemn?  Foot in Mouth

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

Trust him and enjoy the relationship. You've been with him for over a year, the ex was gone for more than a year before that. It doesn't sound like you have any real reason to think that she is still in the picture. People do have baggage from past relationships that we have to accept. He probably hasn't blocked her because to him its not that big a deal, meaning that he doesn't care about her anymore so her texts etc are just mild nuisances.

IMO snooping is justified only when you have a real reason to suspect that something is going on. When I suspected that my teen was lying and doing drugs, based on her behavior, I started snooping. If I hadn't seen any signs that made me suspicious I wouldn't have felt justified in snooping just to know whatever she might be doing or thinking.

You may have had a valid reason for being on your bf's computer or phone, but not to sift through his email or texts. If you accidentally found a text from her you could have asked him about it at the time. If you felt like you shouldn't ask him then it would probably indicate that you felt like you were seeing something that was none of your business...and you would have been right. Since you have no real reason to mistrust him then you need to stop snooping and choose to trust him, or not. If not then you need to question why you are in the relationship. As for if you need to tell him what you did: I would say you can keep it to yourself as long as you vow to never snoop on him again without a substantial reason.

As for the previous poster whose response you found harsh, IMO the great thing about message boards is that you can get such a cross section of opinions. It is important to know that what you did is technically illegal, but nobody is saying they're sending the cops after you. And she is entitled to her moral code as much as you are entitled to yours. You do have to expect that when you ask strangers for opinions that you may hear some things you don't like, or hear things in a blunt delivery. Take what you can out of the advice you get here, and ignore the rest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Since he hasn't responded to her messages, I don't see what you are worried about.  Maybe he thought it would set her off if she somehow found out she was blocked and he figures if he just doesn't respons, she will go away.  I also would never think of snooping on anyone I was involved with--either I trust someone and in that case there is no reason to snoop or if I didn't trust someone, then I probably wouldn't stay with that person.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

sunnygirl08 wrote:
<p>I appreciate your replying but I have to ask if you are for real?!!!

Quite so.

You said: "Any advice is appreciated!"   That includes advice you may not want to hear.

Quote:
I posted this woman-to-woman, looking for others' thoughts and experiences, not to be scolded by you as a promoter of federal authority!!!

This is a public message board, not a committee of your bff's.  Your'e going to get all kinds of responses on a public messsage board because no one owes you what you want to hear.  Now, if you're taking this as a scolding, then that is your guilt talking, not my answer to you, so look to that little thing. And clearly, I hit a nerve if one is to gauge your violent reaction to what I said.  It didn't require all these hysterics by you. 

Quote:
We spend most of our time together, so of course, I have "permission" to use his computer.

 If right is so on your side, then why are you afraid to tell him that you read his messages to his ex? That was the whole premise of your post--how you were going to raise the issue without letting him know you snooped.  This thread would be totally unnecessary if you were in the right.

 

Quote:
As far as the texts, I was looking for a photo I sent him of something funny to see if it came through on his phone, as I was not sure it had

Nice try.  Looking for a picture in the messages you sent and reading through a separate list of texts from someone else are two different things.

Quote:
Do you see UFOs and black helicopters flying around too?!!!!

No... I have better things to do with my time.

Quote:
Seriously, why bother to post if it's just to condemn?

Madame protesteth too much, methinks.  Why so uber-defensive if you did nothing wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

If a guy - or woman - has given a partner REASON to snoop, I truly no longer have a problem with that.  But if there's no real reason, then snooping is just wrong.  If he's done nothing to cause mistrust, and if you want an honest relationship, you need to just sit down and let him know what you did and get it over with.  Otherwise you're coming from a pretty shallow place if you want this relationship to work long-term.  He might understand....and he might end up not trusting YOU.  But either way how long could you feel okay trying to maintain a relationship that has this hanging in the background?  I'd say the same thing if he HAD caused mistrust, it still has to be openly discussed, and however it turns out....then that's how it turns out.  Are you wishing you hadn't snooped?  Lots say that after the fact, you never know what's going to come of it.  Others are not sorry they snooped because there was strong suspicion and they learned ONLY by snooping they were being cheated on.  We don't always agree on these boards - what really matters is what you want your relationship to be. 

 

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

Hi,

Let sleeping dogs lay.

ACTIONS speak louder than words. Your fiance has told his EX he's not interested, not available, and not a cheater. I think you can believe him. 

Perhaps he doesn't delete her messages so he can reference them if she contacts him again. And, by the way, "sporadically" doesn't qualify as "all the time." And it says volumes that SHE is the one contacting him, not the other way around.

You say you can trust him "except" for the fact he hasn't deleted her messages. I don't think that's enough to make him suspect. 

He's over her. Your turn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2013

Thanks, all.  I appreciate the replies.    I  guess I am being cautious and making sure I am not going to be made a fool of (and I realize that is my issue to deal with).  I think I probably don't like that he may still have feelings for her somewhere deep inside, after all, he was going to marry her and only broke up with her because of her alcohol and violence  issues.  He did what he could to try to help her with those, but she continued on in that manner.   I did ask him before if he had closure with that relationship and he gave me a firm "yes!"  I guess I just don't understand why she would continue to contact him after all this time, even though she knows he has someone in his life.  If my ex was still contacting me after all this time, I would find it much easier to block him from everything to put a real end to it.  Funny thing is, I have these feelings when I am by myself and think about it.  When I am with him, it is clear to me that he values our relationship.  However, I still find it hurtful that he would not delete these items.    I am friends with his secretary and she told me he mentioned before that he has saved messages in case she goes stalker on him and he needs to take legal action.  But again (and again!) I think if he blocks her the situation takes care of itself.  In addition, he also had a topless photo and few texts from an   ex-girlfriend which bothers me as well.  I am the kind of person who gets rid of everything when a relationship is over so it bothers me that he has not done the same.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2013

A few other notes - they broke up shortly after Thanksgiving, a few weeks before their wedding date.  During that following summer, they still texted somewhat.  Sometimes, drunk texts (he said he would go out on weekends and was so lonely he would reach out to her but would later regret having contacted her).  By September, they started talking about getting back together.  In addition, he was dating someone at that same time.  He said he didn't really care for her and that it was embarrassing for him to admit it, but he kept that relationship going because he was so lonely.  He and I were friends during this period so I do recall him discussing these events.  By that fall, he and I realized our feelings for each other and we finally began dating a few months later in early spring.  So I guess his dating history bothers me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

You know, another side of this is that we all have the right to have a past.  My DH was engaged not all that long before I met him, and she dumped him, and it really hurt him.  He opted to try to google her about 5 years back and they exchanged a couple of recent pictures by e-mail, and he saved them.  The timing of that was a bit of a concern, but in my mind the fact he wants to hang onto a photo or two of his first love - to me that's a positive thing, it shows he's a good guy who was in love once before he met me and although he has no interest in her, he just wanted to find out how life had treated her.  I still have fond memories of old boyfriends, but that's all they are...memories.  I'm older than you, positive on that score, and at my age I'm often reaching out, trying to locate people from my past, because I ain't getting any younger.  If you trust your guy, then let him take care of this situation.  Are you uncomfortable talking to him about all of this? 

 

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