Complications

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2012
Complications
8
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 4:58pm

So me and my SO have a very complicated past. We both became single after both being in long term relationships yet still pinning for each other, we got together. I asked him out, but we were living 2 hours away from eachother at the time and he was planning on moving in a month or so back to where I was. He said yes but we should wait until he moves down here. Perfect! Right??

I found out that he has an issue with the fact that he hasnt had a one night stand (honestly I dont see the big deal with one night stands. What do you accomplish by having one? To me, they are kinda gross...) and he decided to pursue two girls (after I asked him out and he said yes) before he moved. Those girls were both friends of his and nothing actually happened, but I am hurt by the idea that while I was paitiently waiting for him down here and talking to him daily (he never once mentioned anything about the other girls), he was chasing other women, trying to sleep with them. Now I dont 100% trust him, especially with girls that are close friends of his. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Other issues have come up in the past that creates even more trust issues, but how can I deal with these jealousy issues? Help! 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 11:27am

According to your other post, you've already moved in with him:

Mon, 11-26-2012 - 4:41pm

First off, I do NOT plan on leaving him. He is all around a great guy, minus this one issue.

We have a complicated history that stems a lot of trust issues. Things are getting better and we moved in together not too long ago (yay!).

both posted the same day with 17 minutes of each other. Which is it?

I think that you're fishing hard for reasons to distrust him.  If it's not this, then it's you looking through his computers and finding porn on them--even though he gave you his permission to look. He obviously doesn't feel he has anything to hide in that department.

If you had not gotten a "I want to be exclusive with you" declaration at the time you asked him out and he said yes, then, no, you have nothing to be angry about.  You were not exclusive with one another at that time and he was free to pursue whomever he wanted to pursue.  That you were sitting by the phone waiting on him is on you--that's a decision you made. But he was not obligated at that time to do as you were doing.

I think you need to talk with someone about your unreasonable expectation of this man because from the sound of both this and your other post, this relationship is going to be over sooner than later.  You cannot control him or rewrite his past. 

If you have trust issues, then why are you with someone you cannot trust?  Do you like the person you have to become in order to keep this relationship going?  It might be a good idea for you to talk to a therapist to resolve your issues surrounding trust before this relationship ends as a result of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 11:05pm

If he is your "SO" then he shouldn't be looking for a one night stand.

I would make sure you talk all these issues out before you move in together and that he has all these "issues" out of his system and is ready to settle down.

Good luck and let us know.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 6:41pm
There is another issue here. He is trusting you with who he is. Considering you live far away and have not "dated" both need to let their hair down. Talking about sex and sexual issues is a start. IMO you projected a type of relationship that does not at this time exist. If you are waiting by the phone so to speak then you do yourself a disservice. No other person can be trusted to be as you are. You are unique. I have a philosophy that no one gets complete trust values differ so they are not me and cannot be expected to be me or think like me or have every value the same as me.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 2:40pm

I can see why it was hurtful to you that he was trying to have meaningless sex while you were excitedly waiting for him to move so you could go on a date, but the fact is that you hadn't even gone on one date yet & were not in a relationship.  I think you should discuss it with him if you haven't already & tell him that his statement that he somehow missed out by not having a ONS makes you feel insecure--as if he might still want to have one now.  I wonder if you have also promised each other to be exclusive now.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 5:18am

Okay, I misunderstood but you did say you asked him out and "He said yes but we should wait until he moves down here." That sounds like you're waiting until he moves to your area to start dating? Most of my advise still stands though - he is not ready for the kind of relationship you are obviously looking for.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 4:36pm

Let's answer your questions.

No you are not wrong for feeling the way you do. I am a little fuzyy on the exact timeline and the exact status you two were in after you decided to get together but before he moved down there. Not sure if you were exclusive or not? If he wasn't successful with the one night stand, then he must still have that issue? So has he given up that quest now? In any case if I were you I would have some issues with him trying to bed some women before he gets together with you, almost like a bachelor party final fling or something.

How can you deal with the trust issues? Either you start wearing your virtual reality glasses where everything is champagne and roses, or you confront him and demand the respect you deserve and the relationsip you want and the accountability you need. Well there is the third option of dumping him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2012
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 9:29am

We are dating. We have been for several months now. Thank you for your response though :)

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 5:44am

He obviously feels that he has some "wild oats" to sow and is not ready to jump into another serious relationship. I can understand feeling a little hurt because it turns out that he is not as interested in you as you are in him - but you haven't even been on one date yet so I think it's unreasonable to expect him to be exclusive. You are obviously looking or hoping for something serious to develop between you in the future but he's made it clear that's not what he wants right now. He could have communicated that better to begin with but it's clear now what he wants and it's not what you want.

Take it as a lesson learned and move on. If you pursue someone who wants something different out of a relationship than you do, you'll only wind up even more heartbroken later. You mention trust and trust issues several times and you're not even dating yet, let alone in a relationship with him! It will only get worse from here. 

Tell him that you like him but you don't want to get involved with someone who obviously is not ready for another relationship yet. Tell him that if or when he IS ready for that, to give you a call and maybe if you're single, things could work out between you. But this does not mean you should be waiting around for him. Move on, date other guys - if something happens later when he's ready for a real relationship, great. If not, you'll find someone else who is on the same page as you.