I can't get over the past
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|Tue, 05-21-2013 - 10:29am|
Hello everyone, I'm going to keep this as short as possible. I just need to get this off of my chest. I have four kids; Two from a previous relationship and two from my current relationship. I've been with my current fiance for almost 3 years. I am generally very happy with our relationship. He is also happy and says that he is all the time, and we are all looking forward to moving into a new house very soon. But admittedly, I have a serious problem with snooping online. (I can't afford to see a therapist.) So, here I am, just looking for some advice and possibly how to cope.
I have caught my fiance a total of three times (that I know of) doing something online. The first time in early 2011 he was flirting with a high school friend on Facebook. It wasn't just a simple little flirt, it was a "hot and heavy" type of conversation. He since then discontinued speaking with this person, and he did that on his own.
The second time later in 2011, he left his email client open and had gone out. I found numerous dating site emails and some Craigslist posts (I wasn't very familiar with how Craigslist worked at the time.) I didn't get to open these up to look at them because I feared my fiance was returning home at any moment. We discussed what I had seen and he said that those were just spam emails and that he wasn't doing anything. He decided to close that email account and open a new one and even changed his phone number (so obviously, there was something more in-depth going on there and I figured as much.) Even though I felt more at ease knowing that the email and phone number were changed, it was at this point on where I, to this day, continue to snoop.
The third time, just a few months ago, was the worst one. My fiance was acting funny one weekend and was especially fond of his phone. I was worried since it had been over a year that I had noticed anything online. Well, as soon as he left for work that Monday I logged onto his email account and looked through every folder and there it was, Craigslist ads and some dirty sites (the ones where you go there just to look for a quick f***.) The dummy used his real name on all of the sites and phone number and even changed his age a couple years younger stating he was single and looking. So of course I blew up and I was ready to walk out the door, even while pregnant with his second child. Well, after a long talk and a few family members finding out everything (they didn't know about the other stuff in 2011) he was very apologetic and all that, blah, blah, blah. Yet again changing his email and phone number.
Since I made this discovery, I have yet to see anything else online. But, I continue to snoop almost every single day. I never see anything, not even anything slightly questionable. I can't stop it. I know I shouldn't but I just can't stop looking. I told him if I find just one more thing I was done with him forever. But then, I must have some sort of will power in me since I've never looked through his phone, not once in our entire relationship. I am honestly very afraid to look. It's not that he's doing anything (now) to make me suspicious, I am simply afraid to look and I'm not even sure why that is. I feel like I am a crazy person. =(
My XH cheated on me a number of times. Physical, emotional, cyber............ You name it. HIS phone was the ultimate cheating tool, and perhaps that is why I've never looked into my fiance's. I've been nothing but faithful and never been with anyone else, not even looked at anyone else in both of these relationships. I don't understand why I seem to be a target for their unfaithfulness. Even though my fiance three times that I know about did this to me like my XH, I still feel he is right for me. No one's perfect, right? Besides what he's done he's still a great dad, a great provider, says he loves me and kisses me all the time and is very family-oriented. My XH was very distant and hardly ever acknowledged me and wasn't loving or caring at all. I can't stop the snooping though and I don't think I ever can. Can one lead a successful life, even while snooping? I know that sounds like a ridiculous question though I couldn't say it's unheard of.
Any thoughts, ideas or advice are welcome. Thank you for taking a moment of your time to read this.