The life for me!!??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2013
The life for me!!??
4
Thu, 11-14-2013 - 1:57pm

I am here to admit that I snoop threw my H phone and emails whenever I get the chance, and no matter how much I try to trust him again I don't know if I will ever be able to fully trust him again. Almost 2 years ago I found a pm message between him and a co-worker that is also married talking about how my H likes it when she's naughty and calling her baby this baby that my husband don't even call me baby so for him to say that to another woman I know what was going on. Sense that time I have found emails that had been sent to him from two different online dating sites more porn sites and he knows how I personally feel about porn if you can't watch it with me then you don't need to watch it without me. He told me the dating sites were spam that just got sent to his inbox on accident he figured. And got all defensive saying he would NEVER go on those sites he's not a womanizer dirt bag and on n on. Pretty much turning it on me making me feel like crap to ever question him or ask him about any of it. And gets very very angry when I go threw his things but I'm bipolar and have been with my H for 10yr married for 6yrs. Have known him for 20yrs and I know how he was before so now when he goes to work I wonder who he's going to be flirting with or I feel like he emotionally cheated on me 2 yrs ago and wonder who it will be this time and will would I ever find out this time? He's been acting strange and our sex life well with 5 kids and the boys are only 2 and 1 years old we dnt have one anymore but we did not long ago. I love my H very much and can't see my life without him but I don't know if I can take much more of this mentally it's not fair to me or him really. Just dont know where or what to do from here and am in need of some advice if anyone is willing And if so thank you for taking the time to read what I have to say and replying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 11-14-2013 - 2:52pm

Are you seeing a therapist now for bipolar?  If not, you should--and you should also probably go to marriage counseling w/ your DH if you want to save the marriage.  I was married to a guy who has bipolar and he could be irrationally jealous, which made me crazy since I am not the type to cheat.  For example, once we were on a weekend away & thought we had a great time, then when we came home, he accused me of "looking at" the guitar player in the band in the club we were at--I couldn't even remember what the guy looked like--of course I was looking at him--that's what people in an audience do when people are performing.  So I don't know how much of this is your disease not being in control.

Of course you also have the past incident of him talking inappropriately to the woman--did the 2 of you ever hash that out or was it swept under the rug?  Actually there are many people whose spouses have been caught in affairs and doing things that are wrong and part of the plan to regain trust is that the offending person allows their spouse to look at their email, phone, etc.--but this is above board, not done behind his back.   He actually could be telling the truth about the email spam that he is getting.  I get spam all the time from porn sites (of women--and I'm a woman) and dating sites that I'm not interested in.

but constantly worrying about your DH cheating on you is no way to live.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2013
Thu, 11-14-2013 - 10:21pm

Thank you for your advice and time. No I'm not seeing anyone for my bipolar although I know I should be but they scare me. I know probably sounds a little silly but opening up is something I dont really like to do it hurts to much. And as far as seeing someone for our marrage my DH has told me over n over again that he will not go see anyone that we should be able to do this on our own why go to someone that is probably more messed up then he is for them to tell him that it's all him. I've tried that approach when all that happened. 2 years ago. And yes for the most part it got swept under the rug. He said he had no problem with me looking threw his phone n stuff but when it came down to it he would get all upset.  So then that makes me think he's possibly bidding something. And most of the time I just feel plain crazy I never ever had these thought until 2 years ago and now it's like it flipped a switch that won't shut off no matter how much I try and trust and believe what he tells me. I know that if nothing else I probably need to go see someone again for my problems but then I feel like it's all me again and I don't like that feeling either so I'm just lost roaming around in my own head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 11-15-2013 - 11:18am

If you aren't being properly treated for your bipolar, you are just not taking care of your own health.  Believe me, I could always tell when my ex's medication needed adjusting.  It's very hard to live with someone who is bipolar and going through mood swings.  I think if you actually go for help & get on medication then you will feel a lot better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2013
Fri, 11-15-2013 - 2:35pm

Thats probably what I need to do my body gets used to the medication easily so there's nothing I haven't been on. But just got into it with my DH because I was just asking questions about the computer and I honestly wasn't snooping this time but asked him if he knew this stuff was on there and he compleat my blew up at me. Saying I'm digging for things that arnt there. And on any other day that may have been the case but I was just asking if he knew that on windows media he has adult intertaiment descreet billing from directv on there and he flipped and then something about a** backwards. And asked why there are some files that I can't get into. And of corse he has no idea what I'm talking about and he didn't do it don't look at him. Well I don't think the kids did the descreet billing but yet he's denying it. And when I see things with my own two eyes and he sits there and tells me I'm just crazy and stupid for asking the questions and I'm just digging for things on him it mad me a little mad. concidering we are good for 6months then get back in this rut where he wants nothing to do with me it hurts. He use to wake me up in the middle of the night to make love during the week and still on the weekends and now I'm lucky if it's once a month. I try and make conversation with him when we are just sitting in our chairs watching tv but he don't comply he just sits there so i gave up on that part of it. I told him we are losing the spark in our marrage and that if whenever I ask a question all he does is blow up thinking I'm just trying to dig something up on him and that's not the case. So I told him that we both need to change or this marrage is doomed and as much as I want to be with him for the rest of my life we can't keep doing this. I know I should of just kept my mouth shut because I know how he's going to react but I'm about ready to explode. But talking to you has been helpfull thank you!! The hard thing is that I know I'm crazy and that's why it's hard to just give up sometimes but he also likes to flip things around and make things turn around on me mental abuse in a way.