My husband is having an emotional online relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2013
My husband is having an emotional online relationship.
7
Sat, 02-02-2013 - 9:29pm

This is not going to be short. My husband and I just got married in August after living together for over 14 years. We were high school sweethearts. 

 

About a year or so ago I introduced him to FB.  I was really stupid to do that.  Anyway, he found a girl that we both went to high school with. At first we were both friends with her then I discovered that she started calling. I even answered the calls all happy saying so nice to hear from you. Then my husband got drunk one night and forgot to shut off the fb chat. I saw everything! Mind you this is before we were married. There was a very sexual chat between them about a time in HS that they had a sexual encounter. Then they just continued with sex on the computer ect. talking about private areas and what they want to do to each other. So i immedietly confronted him on this and he got soooooo angry saying 'they like to talk about it and he can talk to whomever he wants. I then defrended her and blocked her calling my house.  But that did not stop anything. He called her and they continued there rendevoux. Im very upset about this and it is still going on.  She (the other woman) recently was diagnosed with leukemia and is in remisioin but he still chatted and offered comfort and kidded around about going there.  She is in another state.

 

We are now married. yes, i know I married him.  I just want to know if anyone else had any thing like this happen to them and how they handled it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

He is having an emotional affair, and with the way their talking I think this would probably be a physical affair too if they lived in the same state. Yeah he got angry allright, angry that he got caught that is. First thing I'd do is turn this around on him and ask him "If it would be acceptable for ME to be talking with some guy on facebook about what we'd like to do to each others private parts"  This is WAY crossing the line and totally disrespectful to you and your marriage and I would not put up with it if I were you. I'd tell him "what he's doing is NOT acceptable behavior for a married man, and if he wants to act like a single man to let you know so you can contact a divorce lawyer"  He needs to realize this isn't a joke and what he's doing is seriously detrimental to your marriage. Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

That would be very upsetting to me that he would think it's ok for a married man to have sex talk w/ someone who's not his wife.  I don't understand how he can justify that.  It's not the "talking" to someone that's a problem.  I have old guy friends from h.s. on FAcebook and I might send them messages but it's not personal stuff at all--nothing inappropriate.  I am not telling you that you should get a divorce, cause that's not for me to say, but it's something that I would consider.  But the fact that you married him -- did he agree that he wouldn't do this after you were married?

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

wlk123 wrote:
<p>This is not going to be short. My husband and I just got married in August after living together for over 14 years. We were high school sweethearts. </p><p> </p><p>About a year or so ago I introduced him to FB.  I was really stupid to do that.  Anyway, he found a girl that we both went to high school with. At first we were both friends with her then I discovered that she started calling. I even answered the calls all happy saying so nice to hear from you. Then my husband got drunk one night and forgot to shut off the fb chat. I saw everything! Mind you this is before we were married. There was a very sexual chat between them about a time in HS that they had a sexual encounter. Then they just continued with sex on the computer ect. talking about private areas and what they want to do to each other. So i immedietly confronted him on this and he got soooooo angry saying 'they like to talk about it and he can talk to whomever he wants. I then defrended her and blocked her calling my house.  But that did not stop anything. He called her and they continued there rendevoux. Im very upset about this and it is still going on.  She (the other woman) recently was diagnosed with leukemia and is in remisioin but he still chatted and offered comfort and kidded around about going there.  She is in another state.</p><p> </p><p>We are now married. yes, i know I married him.  I just want to know if anyone else had any thing like this happen to them and how they handled it.</p>

 The quesiton is: what are YOU prepared to do about it?  Your husband told you that he can talk to whomever he wants.  Respect for you and your marriage isn't in his field of caring, apparently. That means you're going to have to figure out a way to live with it and be content being his Mrs. or remove yourself from that which is causing your pain.  The only person who can make him change is him.

As you can see, marriage doesn't get rid of problems: it amplifies them.  He forged a way around your protestations to continue on with his pursuit of her.  (A rendezvous would mean that he physically met up with her and according to your post, that has yet to happen.)  Her health issues aren't a deterrent, either, as far as he's concerned.

Also, Facebook isn't the problem: your husband's intent  and his estimation of you are the problem. Plenty of married men use facebook and do not chase other women in spite towards/of their wives. 

In the 14 years prior to this event happening, you never once had any problems of inappropriateness out of him?  This doesn't sound like a sudden, one-off kind of thing to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2012

Unfortunately, by marrying him, you've enabled him to continue his poor behavior. You could always call the other woman and let her know you're now the wife. You shouldn't assume she knows. If your husband will not end the friendship, you could ask her to stop. If they both refuse, you might want to contact your attorney.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2013

Wlk123, I am so sorry you are going through this. Your husband's behavior is certainly not honoring to your marriage vows. Have you thought about really "drawing some lines in the sand" here? Does your husband realize what he stands to lose if he continues this relationship?  Have you told him what he stands to lose? A great book to give you some guidelines on how to handle this in a dignified way is Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson.  I highly recommend it for practical advice in a situation like yours. Be strong, friend. Hugs.

~ sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008

The sexual stuff is SUPPOSED to be yours....and yours alone.  What's more, he knows that.  He's found something new (that stoopid FB, I wonder how many problems it's created by now with those who are susceptible to trouble) and it's titillating to him - my way of putting it is it's got his crotch twitching, and then some.  I agree if she was nearby, this would likely turn physical quickly.  They're having sex without the bed, essentially.  As his wife, you have every right to demand that he stop this crappola - out of the billions of women on earth, he chose YOU to be his one and only, right?  Well, he darned well needs to WANT that.  They don't have to get physical for it to hurt like crazy, an EA implies there is already a genuine relationship in place, and some of the pros have said THAT is why it hurts - we women CAN hurt more when it's emotional than when it's physical because right now he's stealing that from you, it's supposed to be yours and yours alone.  Him refusing to break this crap off is pathetic.  It doesn't make any difference if she has leukemia or not, she's not his wife - you are.  If he won't stop, it's just going to convince you it'll happen again, too.  He's set something in motion now, and he can fix it if he wants to. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2013

If you haven't already done so, get yourself an appointment with a therapist.  You can go alone, chat with the therapist about what is going on, then bring him in for couple's counseling if you desire.  Intimate talk belongs between the two people in the relationship.  If another person becomes appealing to either you or your husband, something is missing in your relationship.  You cannot control what he does, but you can get yourself into counseling to help you decide how YOU want to handle this. Good luck!  Smile