Not Quite Sure

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Not Quite Sure
4
Wed, 01-08-2014 - 5:31pm

Hi everyone,

Not quite sure if this is the right place to post, although part of my situation fits.  I will give you a brief synopsis:  I have been with my now husband for 8 years.  Dating for 7, married for almost a year.  We have had many issues in the past.  We have broken up several times, all his idea, and he has professed to having cheated on me while on one of those breaks. Just sex, nothing else and it was one time with someone he met online.  However, he has dabbled with internet profiles before and I have caught him everytime. Also, while we were dating I used to find women's numbers in his phone, texts, etc.  He also likes porn but I guess many men do.  Recently, like about 3 months ago, I was looking through his phone and found some really sexual texts to an unknown number.  No responses, just texts he had sent.  I confronted him and he said it was someone he found on Craigslist, he was bored, they exhanged emails and apparently phone numbers and he just wanted a "power play".  He assured me nothing happened.  I should mention he has been unemployed for 2 years and we are now living with his parents for the last 6 months.  He claims that he is depressed often times and bored out of his mind and that is why he did that.  That it was nothing but texts and that he would NEVER cheat on me.

Well, I have a huge issue with that and a huge trust issue all together.  He claims we cannot move forward in our marriage if I don't trust him and I don't stop snooping.  But I told him that something made me look and I found something that should have not been there.  I find myself looking through his credit card statements, his phone, and even his laundry.  I have even looked through the garbage can.  I know that this snooping is not healthy and not normal.  A person in a healthy relationship would not be snooping at all.  But he has given me plenty of reason.  While at work sometimes I look through Craiglist to see if I find a casual encounter's ad that may be him.  I have even made fake email account to try to prove that its him.  I know this is NOT right.  I wish I could move past what has happened.  I was doing very well until I found those texts 3 months ago.  It shot me back a few years when we were having problems.  I want to move forward but I can't.  I just don't trust him.  He doesn't answer his phone, I think he' doing something he should not be.  Any slight variation to his behavior or actions and I suspect IMMEDIATELY.  I just don't know if I can continue living like this.  Thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: skyy75
Wed, 01-08-2014 - 9:33pm

I just can't imagine marrying a guy with a history like this--if you have caught him in the past with women's phone nos., texting and online profiles--while you were dating--then it doesn't seem to me that he is a guy who really values being loyal.  If you were really broken up when he had sex with the other woman, then it's really not cheating.  People usually don't change who they are--a guy who is a sneaky cheater will probably remain like that.  Did he always come up with lame excuses before that you bought into?  He figures he got away with it before, and he probably still will now.  He's bored?  How about using all that free time to look for a job or help his parents around the house or do something that's at least not going to get him into trouble like exercise or read a book?  Sorry, but when you are married, you don't send sexual texts to anyone even if you don't intend to meet up.  And I like how this is all your fault now for not trusting him--he doesn't deserve to be trusted because he did something wrong.  I think the focus should be how can he prove to you that he can be trusted in the future?

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
In reply to: skyy75
Wed, 01-08-2014 - 10:48pm

You are a glutton for punishment.  He's long term unemployed, he cheats, lies, spends his time viewing porn, sexting, and surfing Craigslist for hookups.  The catch of the century, obviously.  Yet you dated for 7 years while this behavior went on IN YOUR FACE.  Then he becomes unemployed, and after a year of THAT, you decide to marry him.  And then live in his parent's basement. 

My thoughts are that you need some SERIOUS counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
In reply to: skyy75
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 10:07am

You are absolutely right.  I do not know what is wrong with me for marrying him when I should have broken up with him a long long time ago.  And not to brag, but the truth is I am very attractive, very well educated, I have a good career and I come from a good family.  I could have had anyone I wanted, but instead I chose him.  I tried counseling once during one of our break ups and it didn't really help me.  The fact is, I know what the problem is:  I have made a bad choice and I am too weak to get out of it.  I know exactly what I have to do and I always have known, I have just never actually went through with it. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 10:30am

Well this might be some incentive since you're the one with the good job.  The longer you stay with this guy and support him, the higher the chances are that you might have to pay him alimony!  The law is gender neutral now.  I think you need to go back to therapy and stick with it until you figure out why you would settle for this guy since you could probably get someone better.