QOTD: Misinterpretation

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2008
QOTD: Misinterpretation
6
Wed, 03-06-2013 - 5:42pm

In life, we all have been misunderstood. Lately, it's been a constant thing for me.  My bf takes my expressing my feelings or explaining myself as complaining. I try my best every time to just say how I feel without any anger or anything of that sort. Yet, it always end up being my fault in the end. I know the worst thing I can to do is keep my feelings to myself. But when I still end up hurting when I express them, is it even worth saying anything at all?

Thanks in advance for the comments!

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 03-06-2013 - 6:10pm

  This could be a problem with either words or body language or both.  Men are not socialized to just listen.  the majority of men are fixers.  So the filter with which he is hearing you is: "how do I fix this".    A counselor who specializes in communication may be advisable.

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 03-06-2013 - 11:19pm

Xxxs, you nailed it with that answer.  We really are from different planets.....

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 03-07-2013 - 2:06am
So how long have you been dating him Princess? You say "lately" so I'm wondering if this is something that just started with him or it's been like this all along. I think the problem lies in that women like to talk more about their feelings and men would rather you quickly state the issue ( like in 2 sentences or less lol) so they can come up with a solution. With my own H it's like that too, and often times he acts like he's not interested in listening to me unless it's something HE finds interesting and wants to talk about (like golf or football lol) So what I've basically learned after many years of marriage is not to let this hurt or bother me but to only bring up the big stuff and not say anything about the small stuff that's bothering me. Hope this helps.
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 03-07-2013 - 10:32am

Oooh, yes, I've gone through periods of being misinterpreted and I usually find that to happen when other highly upsetting things are going on.  In my distraction, I think I'm saying it one way while in fact, it's being taken a totally wrong way.

While the way in which you express yourself is one thing, I think that the fact that you've been dealing with the death and burial of your beloved grandfather may be playing, unconsciously, into how you're expressing yourself and your bf's misinterpretation may be that he doesn't know how to distinguish the difference.  Yeah, he may be thinking he's got to fix something: or he just may be impatient and inept when it comes to being empathetic.

Hugs to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2008
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 1:44pm

Thank you all for the wonderful advice!!!

This has been an on and off problem. We have been together almost 9 months. When we got together A LOT was going on in my life (school, heavy work load, and my grandfather). So, with lack of time and communication, we have issues with the small things. Actually, he is one of the rare ones that wants me to express how I feel. However, I have been one to keep things bottled in because I always wanted to be strong for my family. So, I'm slowly trying to open up. I guess by me keeping things in for so long, when I express them, I probably come off a little abrupt.

I definitely take everything that was posted to heart and I will apply it to my relationship. Especially the point about keeping small issues to myself especially if they are not a threat to the future of the relationship. We all have to choose our battles and choose wisely at that, right?

Thanks again!!! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2007
Wed, 08-07-2013 - 3:39pm

It's not a thing of "socialization".  It is true, men and women's brains operate differently, it's evolutionary.  Yes...men are "fixers".  Here's some of the differences: Men use communication to pass/recieve data.  Women use communication to build cohesion.  It's simple (to me, but then again...I'm a psych major), if each person realizes how the other operates, then all they have to do is adjust.  When my wife comes home from work I know all she wants to do is vent and share her day with me.  So I just listen.  I'll be totally honest, the "solver" in me hears her problems and can't help but think of how to rectify the situation....but I know that's not what she wants.  Transversely...when I tell her sometihing I AM looking for her input and usually she doesn't give it, because she just wants to listen to how my day was.  So usually, when I want input I will ask her for it.

We (males/females) just need to understand our differences, respect them and not think one is right/wrong/wierd.