shady texting

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2012
shady texting
6
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 4:08pm

Husband and I have been having problems for over a year and have been working on our marriage . Or so I thought. 

His boss is a single woman who I thought was a friend of mine. They have crazy jobs that are not really 9-5 monday-friday. They both work around the clock. 

He is constantly on his phone when he is at home. Recently, I started looking at our phone records to find out who he is texting and found out that he has been texting back and forth with his boss. This is happening at all hours of the day and night. Examples: 32 texts between 3:30pm and 11pm on Christmas, 23 texts between 8pm and 11:30pm on my birthday (while I was playing with the kids and he was "working" downstairs) and 45 texts this past Saturday between 7pm and 11:30pm. Saturday when he should have been spending time bonding with this family...

In total, they have sent/receieved 316 text messages between 12/16 and 1/6. I'm sorry, but that is ridiculous!!! I know the nature of their jobs but there is no reasonable explaination for texting damn near all night every night of the week. 

How can you work on your marriage when you and texting your boss during the time you should be reconnecting with your wife and spending time with your kids?? Am I justified in my anger and feelings of betrayal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2011
Thu, 03-07-2013 - 4:26pm

Well, it's been over a month since you posted this so I'm assuming you've taken some kind of action. If not, I recommend looking at the texts first. They could be all work stuff and then you have confronted him over nothing. However, if they are doing something inappropriate and you confront him, he will deny, delete, and then continue to lie to you. My husband had an EA over facebook/text and I had no clue until I accidentally picked up his phone one day cos I was expecting a text and it was the 8th text of the day from her. Since I knew he was hiding it and was on FB a lot I opened his account and there were all the messages between them. When I confronted him, his words were "Tonya who?" like he could still get away with it because he thought I had no proof. Not saying the snooping is fine but if you suspect something, it's the only sure way to find out cos he is sure not going to tell you he did something wrong.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 9:30pm

MomOfBaG wrote:
<p>Husband and I have been having problems for over a year and have been working on our marriage . Or so I thought. </p><p>His boss is a single woman who I thought was a friend of mine. They have crazy jobs that are not really 9-5 monday-friday. They both work around the clock. </p><p>He is constantly on his phone when he is at home. Recently, I started looking at our phone records to find out who he is texting and found out that he has been texting back and forth with his boss. This is happening at all hours of the day and night. Examples: 32 texts between 3:30pm and 11pm on Christmas, 23 texts between 8pm and 11:30pm on my birthday (while I was playing with the kids and he was "working" downstairs) and 45 texts this past Saturday between 7pm and 11:30pm. Saturday when he should have been spending time bonding with this family...</p><p>In total, they have sent/receieved 316 text messages between 12/16 and 1/6. I'm sorry, but that is ridiculous!!! I know the nature of their jobs but there is no reasonable explaination for texting damn near all night every night of the week. </p><p>How can you work on your marriage when you and texting your boss during the time you should be reconnecting with your wife and spending time with your kids?? Am I justified in my anger and feelings of betrayal?</p>

I think the question is: does he really want to reconnect with his wife? Does he feel he gets what he wants out of it, too? Because from what you've written, it doesn't sound like he's as invested in the working on your marriage as you are.

As others have said, it's kind of hard to measure this when we dont' know the nature of their job. Is it politics? Government stuff? I know people in those fields and their cell phones are soldered to their ears and fingers 24/7.  There could be a reasonable explanation, such as his boss's boss in on their heads because of an overly demanding client who is on that boss's head and they want what they want when/how they want it and as far as they and their monetary investment are concerned, he doesn't have a wife and family.  I've seen those kinds of situations. His boss isn't in that boat because she has no husband and therefore can devote all of her time to the business.

How certain are you that the texting is shady? All you've seen is usage numbers, not the texts themselves.  What is he saying is the nature of his texts with his boss? Since she's your friend, too, why not ask her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 10:57am

Well I think it would be helpful to know what kind of job they have that would require work on Christmas.  Are they like the doctors on Gray's Anatomy who are home but always seem to get called in for some kind of emergency involving a patient?  (I know that's fictional and realy hospitals aren't like that.)  Someone could be in an international business where the stock market in Japan is open late at night.  But really, the texting on Christmas would really make me suspicious because probably even the President took that day off from work--is his job really that important?  On your birthday it's possible that he could have been working if he generally does work stuff at night.  And Sat. night--well again, what kind of job does he have that requires him to be available then?  It's really hard to know w/o seeing the context of the texts.  Some people really make their jobs a priority over their families.  I think without accusing him of anything, you should talk about where his priorities lie and how you would like some time for the family that is not interrupted by work and see how he reacts to that.  Also, you know your friend/his boss--just because she is single doesn't mean she would go after a married man--have you seen how the 2 of them act together and does it seem suspicious?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 7:56pm

 He works around the clock,right?  You may have married Captain Kirk and his love will always be the Enterprise.  Clients do not care about what time it is or what day.  They want what they want when they want it. 

   "How can you work on your marriage when you and texting your boss during the time you should be reconnecting with your wife and spending time with your kids?? Am I justified in my anger and feelings of betrayal?"

  No you are not.  Just not emotionally ready for the world you found yourself in.  Consider this: he may feel that you are not in his corner. 

  Here is a movie to rent/see 

Swimming with Sharks (1994) - IMDb

www.imdb.com/title/tt0114594/

   There are others but There are occupations that demand a lot and in today's world they really do.  I have several friends in these occupations. 

      

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 6:00pm

Your husband should have no reservations about letting you in on his work dealings if you ask. That is, unless he's working with classified information. If he hesitates, ask him why.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 4:56pm

Have you been able to see the context of the texts? Texting that much and during THOSE hours does seem excessive. I would want to see what their texting if it were me. It shouldn't be so excessive that it's taking up that much family time. I'd also be suspicious that it could be more than work related texts during those hours. Does he have a problem with showing you the texts? Is he deleting texts to/from her? If he does/is then you know something ain't right.