Ugh, Facebook drives me crazy....

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Registered: 05-11-2010
Ugh, Facebook drives me crazy....
10
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 11:15am

My and the BF both have facebook and we will never be on one another's facebook.  He doesn't seem to want me on his.  I am opposed to publicly stating our relationship on facebook, the whole linking profiles together is a bit ridiculous to me, unless it would be my husband.  What I have an issue with is his ex was on his facebook, they did the whole linking their profiles together to announce their relationship to everyone.  When he broke up with her, he took down the "in a relationship status" and listed himself as single.  My issue is his ex was still trying to get back with him and still is trying to keep the lines of communication open with him via text, email, and on facebook. They had been broken up, but she is the type that still likes to leave the door open with her exes, so she can rekindle things when she chooses. Compiled with all of that, she was still trying to portray them as still being together, even though they'd been broken up.  He was being nice back then.  She friended all of his motorcyle club friends and all of his relatives. They're all still tied together through Facebook.

When he officially broke things off, they'd been broken up for 4 months.  Their relationship wasn't long distance, but they saw one another one weekend out of a month.  They spoke on the phone twice a week and mostly texted one another as their way of staying in touch.  Facebook was their other link, she'd pubicly post things to him to keep in touch, they lived an hour away from one another and yet, their "supposed relationship" was mostly online and via the phone.  What irks me is when he officially met up with her, they spoke for 5 hours and he explained to her why their relationship failed and that it had been over.  He then brought up that he had met someone (me) and although their relationship been over and they were fooling themselves by dragging things out.  He explained he was happy and wanted to cut all ties.  Instead of her accepting that their relationship had been dead and moving on, she opted to continue to call, text, email, and keep in touch via Facebook.  I feel like the odd one out.

He always would get beside himself whenever anyone would try to flirt with me and we've opted to keep the lines of communication completely open regarding exes.  He was so up in arms over a guy from my past calling to ask me out to dinner and I explained that I told the guy that I was seeing someone. I brought up the fact that I had been sitting back while his ex was still trying to get back with him and that he was still keeping the door open to her for whatever reason.  He said that he had no intention on ever getting back with her and he was just trying to be the nice guy.  I explained that was sending conflicting messages to her, because she was used to him rolling along with her program of keeping the door open.  So he said he would again cut all ties, including facebook.

Again, I'm not on his facebook and he's not on mine.I know how many men I get trying to flirt with me, so I know it's the same with him. I ended up looking at his facebook after we had that disagreement and he still had her as his friend and they had been interacting, even though it was innocent, it was the principal that he'd said he would cut all ties and he hadn't.  So when I brought it up to him and I said "you can keep ties with your ex on facebook, if that's still the case".  He said "no, I cut all ties with her."  I was trying to be calm, so I waited as I didn't want to get heated.  I printscreened him copies of him interacting with her on her status and her interacting with him on his status.  He then tried to flip things around about how many men wanted me and how it was just her wanting him.  We got into our first full blown argument and it was over her.  That was my point to him about keeping things open to an ex and how they could impact what you could potentially have.

In the end he said he'd delete her and cut all ties.  I still don't feel he did and he changed his settings, so I can't see if she's still interacting with him to know if he's being truthful about her or not.  For some reason he always feels the need to play captain-save-a-hoe (long story), but he always says she's not like that, she is on the Godly tip now and he's just trying to be the good guy.  I don't buy that crap, because I know how some people are with an ex and especially that she felt it was a competition when she found out about me, instead of accepting that what they had was dead and buried.  I feel like breaking up with him over the fact that I don't know if I can trust his word when it comes to her.  I mean he said he cut all ties before and then I saw with my own two eyes that he was still in touch with her.  Normally it wouldn't bother me, but because he wanted me to cut all ties with any man that wanted to get closer to me and he said he would cut all ties, before the last time that I brought it up.  This is the main issue between us, this trust issue all over his ex and Facebook.

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Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 02-15-2013 - 3:49pm

You're blaming the wrong thing here.  It doesn't matter if it's called Facebook or Nobook, it isn't the issue.  The problem here is dishonesty.  If he really wants to cut off contact (at least on FB), he can "unfriend" her, if I understand it correctly.  So unless he just doesn't want to end contact, why doesn't he do exactly that?  It's not rocket science.  She can try all she wants to make it look like they are still together, but it won't fly unless he does the same.  Nothing is going to happen...unless he allows it.  It's not all about "her", there's a trust issue, period.  As people say here all the time, people don't hide anything unless there's something TO hide.  If Facebook didn't even exist, your trust issue is still in place.  It spills over into all areas of your life.  Trust is a terrible issue to have, everyone here can tell you that. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2010
Thu, 01-24-2013 - 11:58am

You summed up exactly what I felt.  I know facebook wasn't the real issue, but the problems behind it with him lying about still having her on his facebook was, compiled with still being open to communication with her; when her communications were always something about her feelings or him giving them another chance. 

The time we argued, he said he got it and truly cut all ties with her.  We discussed facebook, his interaction with the ex, and all of the issues that we both had.  Surprisingly he listened, didn't cut me off, I listened, we didn't argue.  He reassured me that he cut all ties and said that there would be no issues with adding another on facebook. 

I explained to him exactly what you said about not keeping the communication open with her, because in her mind she was thinking it was a way in and she could keep portraying them as still trying to work things out to others.  The last straw was her sending him a birthday gift, when he told her months ago it was over.  Him cutting ties completely sends the message to her that it's over and not to keep trying.  He saw that it was impacting he and I being together and has assured me he has completely cut all ties, including facebook.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 01-23-2013 - 7:02pm

pbe2010 wrote:
<p>My and the BF both have facebook and we will never be on one another's facebook.  He doesn't seem to want me on his.  I am opposed to publicly stating our relationship on facebook, the whole linking profiles together is a bit ridiculous to me, unless it would be my husband.  What I have an issue with is his ex was on his facebook, they did the whole linking their profiles together to announce their relationship to everyone.  When he broke up with her, he took down the "in a relationship status" and listed himself as single.  My issue is his ex was still trying to get back with him and still is trying to keep the lines of communication open with him via text, email, and on facebook. They had been broken up, but she is the type that still likes to leave the door open with her exes, so she can rekindle things when she chooses. Compiled with all of that, she was still trying to portray them as still being together, even though they'd been broken up.  He was being nice back then.  She friended all of his motorcyle club friends and all of his relatives. They're all still tied together through Facebook.</p><p>When he officially broke things off, they'd been broken up for 4 months.  Their relationship wasn't long distance, but they saw one another one weekend out of a month.  They spoke on the phone twice a week and mostly texted one another as their way of staying in touch.  Facebook was their other link, she'd pubicly post things to him to keep in touch, they lived an hour away from one another and yet, their "supposed relationship" was mostly online and via the phone.  What irks me is when he officially met up with her, they spoke for 5 hours and he explained to her why their relationship failed and that it had been over.  He then brought up that he had met someone (me) and although their relationship been over and they were fooling themselves by dragging things out.  He explained he was happy and wanted to cut all ties.  Instead of her accepting that their relationship had been dead and moving on, she opted to continue to call, text, email, and keep in touch via Facebook.  I feel like the odd one out.</p><p>He always would get beside himself whenever anyone would try to flirt with me and we've opted to keep the lines of communication completely open regarding exes.  He was so up in arms over a guy from my past calling to ask me out to dinner and I explained that I told the guy that I was seeing someone. I brought up the fact that I had been sitting back while his ex was still trying to get back with him and that he was still keeping the door open to her for whatever reason.  He said that he had no intention on ever getting back with her and he was just trying to be the nice guy.  I explained that was sending conflicting messages to her, because she was used to him rolling along with her program of keeping the door open.  So he said he would again cut all ties, including facebook.</p><p>Again, I'm not on his facebook and he's not on mine.I know how many men I get trying to flirt with me, so I know it's the same with him. I ended up looking at his facebook after we had that disagreement and he still had her as his friend and they had been interacting, even though it was innocent, it was the principal that he'd said he would cut all ties and he hadn't.  So when I brought it up to him and I said "you can keep ties with your ex on facebook, if that's still the case".  He said "no, I cut all ties with her."  I was trying to be calm, so I waited as I didn't want to get heated.  I printscreened him copies of him interacting with her on her status and her interacting with him on his status.  He then tried to flip things around about how many men wanted me and how it was just her wanting him.  We got into our first full blown argument and it was over her.  That was my point to him about keeping things open to an ex and how they could impact what you could potentially have.</p><p>In the end he said he'd delete her and cut all ties.  I still don't feel he did and he changed his settings, so I can't see if she's still interacting with him to know if he's being truthful about her or not.  For some reason he always feels the need to play captain-save-a-hoe (long story), but he always says she's not like that, she is on the Godly tip now and he's just trying to be the good guy.  I don't buy that crap, because I know how some people are with an ex and especially that she felt it was a competition when she found out about me, instead of accepting that what they had was dead and buried.  I feel like breaking up with him over the fact that I don't know if I can trust his word when it comes to her.  I mean he said he cut all ties before and then I saw with my own two eyes that he was still in touch with her.  Normally it wouldn't bother me, but because he wanted me to cut all ties with any man that wanted to get closer to me and he said he would cut all ties, before the last time that I brought it up.  This is the main issue between us, this trust issue all over his ex and Facebook.</p>

Facebook isn't the problem

Your boyfriend's loyalties is the problem.  His lying to you is the problem.

Ex's are ex's for a reason.  There is no need to encourage them to the point your boyfriend is unless you're trying to keep the path back to them open.  There is no reason on earth why he can't block her and tell her in front of you to stop contacting him and that he has no interest in any relationship or further communication with her.  She can be mad til times get better.

He cannot keep encouraging this woman (and his not doing what I said in the previous paragraph is him encouraging her--helping her to keep her hopes alive with regards to him) and at the same time, be upset because men want you. That's non sequitur: you can't control what men want and to suggest that you can is stupidity on a stick.  The fact of the matter is: you don't encourage them--you cut that mess off at the knees and keep it moving.  That is not what he is doing and it doesn't matter that he knows her and you don't know these guys---it's the character behind the action that's been hauled into question here and he fails on that tip.

He just may be one of those guys who gravitates towards weak women who need saving and you probably aren't that kind of a woman, hence his behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2010
Wed, 01-23-2013 - 1:27am

I'm still surprised that we discussed the whole facebook thing peacefully. I explained how I didn't want to feel he was hiding anything or holding back part of himself.  He said he didn't have any issue with us adding one another.  I explained to him that I'd like to do that whenever we were both more comfortable and no, we didn't have to link our profiles, but just being completely open with one another puts me in a better place. 

We talked about the ex and how he said she wasn't a factor and he stated that he did delete her as he didn't want to ever have another argument about her, or any trust issues regarding her and to possibly jeapordize anything over something that had been over.  I didn't anticipate that the conversation would go smoothly.  I feel a bit more at ease now. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2010
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 6:08pm

I agree that seems to be a simple fix and something that he said before we ever got into the disagreement regarding people whom have interest in each of us.  He said he would cut ties, because he said he could see that she still wanted him back, and she was constantly venting about how he'd given her chances before and why couldn't they try again.  To me it seemed like he was leaving the door open and entertaining her behavior, as she'd done with most anyone she dealt with.

It is his page, but it seems suspect to me that now he changed his settings and I can only trust what he says, even though he said he cut all ties before.  Yet, she was texting him, emailing him song lyrics, and sent him a birthday gift.  He's said he wants to marry me down the line, but I question things, as we have this existing trust issue and I don't want to be disappointed again thinking that he's cut all ties when he really hasn't and is lying about it.

Granted there is no rule about exes not being friends, but I don't believe there should not be a double standard regarding him keeping things open to being there for her/coddling her and trying to nuture a new relationship with me, when he knows good and well her intentions are not to just be a friend. Also, I don't believe in the whole "we can be friends" if there wasn't a genuine friendship beforehand.  Everytime she speaks to him it something relative to being in a relationship, so that is what I'm not cool with.  I don't know how to approach it without it being a full blown argument with him, because that's what happened the last time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2010
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 5:22pm

I'm hoping it won't lead to an argument.  I know I want to bring it up again, because I explained to him this is due to him trying to give her false hope by not cutting ties.  I'm all with someone still being friends, IF they were truly friends prior to establishing a relationship, but they were not friends.  They met from a single's website and opted to date.

He has tried to paint her in such a santified light, but I don't feel that about her.  On top of that, I ended up sharing what I was going through with a friend and sent her the printscreens of the facebook interaction between them two.  She coincidentally sent me back the exes online mugshot with her crimes committed.  I'm not saying that people don't straighten up their act, but I'm not buying that this is the case with her and her wanting to stay connected to him. 

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Registered: 05-11-2010
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 5:17pm

I was the one that told him in a fit of being upset that he lied about him and the ex still being connected on facebook that he and I would never be friends on facebook.  I said it as I was angry with him.  I think in some ways for him he has to clean up his facebook, especially with being tied to the ex and them making it publicly known when they were in a relationship and him allowing her to keep up the front for awhile.  When he changed his status, he said she was outraged with him and she told him he embarassed her, as she likes to keep up a front for an audience.  With the exception of his mother and his best friends, most didn't know that he and her were no longer a couple, but she was still trying to keep up the front.

It seems like a whole lot of drama on his part, even dealing with her.  I explained to him that their relationship wasn't even real, it was mostly over the phone or online and he agreed.  So I don't get why he felt the need to still give her the illusion that he was still open to her communication, if he didn't opt to truly cut all ties.  It has irritated me, because he's talked about all of the things he despised about her and I'm thinking if you really didn't like being in a relationship with her, why would you settle or even allow her to think she was in a relationship when he was done.  It is very suspicious to me and it leaves me not trusting him.  I am trying to trust his word and I want to ask him about it again, but I don't want to argue, especially not over her, she's so not worth it. 

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 3:54pm

I don't think it needs to be an arguement. All you need to do is tell him you need transparency in the relationship, as its something you are not getting. If he is unwilling or unable to provide that, then you two have nothing else to say to each other much less argue about.

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Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 3:24pm

I don't know how long you & the BF have been going out, but you aren't even FB friends?  I don't like this "linking" of pages as if you are constantly tied together and I don't even know about putting "in a relationship" because then if you break up, you have to change it & it's embarrassing, but I think at a certain point where you are established BF & GF, it seems odd that you wouldn't even be FB friends--what is the reason for this? It seems like the easiest way to know if he's friends w/ her or not is that you should become friends w/ him--and it seems very suspicious that now he changed his settings so you can't check up on him.--why would he do that if he had nothing to hide?  Normally I wouldn't say cut off the ex but if she is constantly contacting him to try to get him back & being inappropriate, that's when I would say that he needs to cut ties w/ her--and cut her off on FB too.  Obviously if you can't believe what he says & can't really trust him, that doesn't sound like a great relationship to me.  I think w/ my exes, if I asked about something and they said they did something, I would never think of having to check up on it because I just trusted them (and vice versa)--if I couldn't believe something w/o checking up, then I'd think twice about being in that relationship.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 11:59am

I was very confused at all the fuss over contact betweem him and his ex. It seemed like a simple fix. just delete her off of his facebook. So now finally he seems to have done that. At least he says he did. But wait, now he changes his settings so you cannot see whats going on. It is not your "right" as his GF to have access to his Facebook page, but his behavior does not exactly inspire confidence and TRUST in him. It's his page and he can do as he pleases with it, but to suddenly reduce your access to it is very suspicious.

You seem to also paint a picture of different standards being applied to each of you. It's ok for him to maintain a friendship with an ex, but its not ok for you. That would be something I could not tolerate.

In the end there is no rule that says anyone cannot be friends with their ex's. He seems to want to maintain this contact with this ex. Maybe you simply have to accept this will continue whether you are his GF or not. So therefore if you cannot live with it, then you must move on from him.