Your thoughts on this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Your thoughts on this?
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 12:11pm

So, everyone knows I am dealing with trust issues with my husband.  I have another question I would like some input on and it has nothing to do with snooping.  But it does relate to my marriage.  Prior to meeting husband (8 years ago) I had already gone on a few dates with a very nice guy whom I had known about 1 year before I met my now husband.  We will call him "J".  So, I was set up with him, turns out we went to the same high school and he was a GREAT guy.  Well, I met my now husband and really did not see J again in a romantic manner.  I have to say that in the last 8 years, I may have seen him about 8 times, maybe once a year for lunch.  We keep in contact through texts and phone calls and he does not know I am married. I never told him.  He was a really nice guy and treated me very well for the brief time we dated.  My parents loved him.  But I chose my now husband and I have never cheated on my husband with J, but for all these years, especially when my husband and I have problems, my mind goes to J immediately.  J still wants to see me,calls, and texts, even though I have not seen him in over a year.  (I think the last time I saw him was last year before Christmas).  I always make excuses because to see him would make me feel as though I am cheating on my husband.  My husband knows about J, at least to the extend that he is someone I used to date.  My husband does not know that J still has contact with me.  I feel like if I told him he would use that against me somehow.  For example, when he used to work, he went out a couple times for lunch with one of his female coworkers.  I got upset with him and he told me that going out to lunch with someone you work with is totally fine.  That I can go to lunch or even dinner with a guy I work with and he wouldn't care at all.  My husband always throws in the line that he is secure enough in our relationship where I can go out to lunch with a male coworker or even openly flirt, but that I come home to him and that is all that matters. He says that he is totally confident that I would never cheat on him and that flirting and fantasizing are normal.  Anyway.  I have gone off the topic.  My question is do you believe there are certain people you are meant to be with?  Have I forced myself into an unhealthy relationship with myhusband when I should have stayed with J?  And its funny how in the worst moments with my husband, J will text or call.  Like its a sign.  The fact is that he hasn't forgetten me for 8 years.  He told my dad once that not too many women are like me and its hard to find a woman like me.  He has dated others, but he is not married and currently not dating anyone.  He also owns his own company and is very successful. Thoughts?


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 3:25pm

My thoughts are that right now you need to forget about J as being a potential bf, and put your energy into figuring out what you are going to do about your current situation with your husband. You may be in counseling for a long time to understand why you stayed with your H despite the problems over 7 years of dating, why you married him anyway, and why you are still with him. During the counseling time I don't think you should be thinking seriously about any man because you need to understand yourself, or you are likely to make another poor choice. You also need to explore why you were not completely honest with J. Maybe because you figured that if he knew you were married he might stop the contact with you?

I do believe that some people are meant to be together. If that is the case with J, then he will be there when you are ready. And sometimes people have a connection but their situations never allow for them to be together. You won't find out until later, because you need to start on a different journey now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 01-10-2014 - 10:43am

I think that when someone's main relationship is not going that well it's normal to fantasize about someone else and here you have this very nice guy who has always been interested in you.  It's curious to me that when you had the chance to date him when you were single you dropped him for your DH so if you were "made for each other" why didn't you recognize it then?  You have made J into this ideal guy and who knows what would have happened if you had continued to date him?  It's really not fair to him that you never told him you were married but if you know people in common, maybe he found out from someone else.  What you need to do is figure out what you want to do about your DH and don't let J come into the picture at all because you don't know what will happen.  I always tell people to think about comparing their present live with their spouse to possibly being alone forever and what would be better?  My 2nd marriage was so bad that even though I've been w/o a BF for 5 yrs now, I never once think it would have been better to stay married and that would be so even if I never find someone else.  So if you marriage is bad, work on either making it better or ending it.  then if you decide to get divorced, you can actually give J a try again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 01-12-2014 - 1:01am

I don't understand the situation with "J" at all.  But first of all, if going out to lunch with an old friend and you can't tell your husband about it, then you shouldn't be doing it.  Why did you never tell him you were married?  And how interested in YOU could he be if he only sees you once a year for lunch.  I think you're "fantasizing" about what you'd LIKE to happen when you're having "problems" with your husband.  You'd do better to work on dealing with the problems than thinking about this man who is nothing in your life.  Turning your back on problems to fantasize about another man isn't how you solve problems in your marriage.  And the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.......sometimes it's astroturf!  You could have the same "problems" with Mr.Wonderful if he was your husband.  Married people have problems.......ALL of them do......but some work on solving them, and some choose to  ignore them while dreaming of someone else..