1 of my neighbors witnessed the incident

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
1 of my neighbors witnessed the incident
17
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 12:01pm

One of my neighbors came into my office a little while ago and told me she witnessed the incident on Saturday and when he came back on Sunday. She was in my lobby when he was yelling telling the police how I hit him and so on and so forth. She said on Saturday she saw him jumping out of his truck yelling at me.

I hope if its necessary she would be willing to give a statement about this. But people are afraid to get involved ya know. What a mess.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 12:57pm

Luv...what is it you want from this site??

You have been given some very good, very knowledgable, very useful advice and information in an attempt to help you resolve and assist you in your situation. You have ignored all of it and continued to complain and detail all that he has done wrong. Why?

The bottom line is you cannot control, change, alter or dictate his behavior, you have been told this numerous times in many different ways, you do not seem to get it yet.

You never mentioned before that you had witheld the child from him on Sunday. Isn't that 2 weekends in a row that he has not gotten his court ordered visitation? What make up are you offering him? Unless the child is hospitalized or a Dr has ordered him to be bed ridden he has the right to care for the child as well. A judge would tell you the exact same thing.

Yes he is behaving very badly, he sounds young and immature and possibly has some anger issues. If you change the way you deal with him it will force him to change. Telling him he is not going to see his kid and then hanging up on him is not a mature way to deal with things.

So, again, what is it you want from us? Advice? Real solutions from women (and some men) who have been at the beginning of a volatile custody situation that now have managed to change things for the best interest of their children? That is what is available to you, but you have to be willing and open to hear it. When you get there let us know.........

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 1:54pm

EXCUSE ME!

I have taken all the advice I have been given. I cant implement any new info Ive received until the next visit occurs is that not right? He cancelled one of his visits last weekend.

I cancelled the one on sunday because as stated in the court order i have the right to do so only for a substantial medical reason pertaining to the child. You suggest that I was trying to hide what I did.

If my 3yr old has been up throughtout the night with a fever, was throwing up, coughing, crying and itching all over his body which indicates he was exposed to something he shouldnt have been I believe that is a substantial enough reason to cancel a visit. Especially when on top of it all it is only 19 degrees outside and his "father" chooses to undo all that I do. Not cover his face when he has him outside when the weather is very cold. I put him in a hat which covers his ears, he changes it and puts on a hat that doesnt.

I have just as much right to vent on this board as any one else. I vent here so I dont vent in front of the baby. Thats mature.

How dare you suggest that I withheld the baby for a reason that was not credible.

I would have had no problem letting him see the baby if he was not violent towards me and had not accused me of hitting him the day before. So I should be alone with him for him to accuse me of God knows what else.

Would you let your child out if he was sick like that. He isnt supposed to take him to his apt b/c he has carpeting and the baby is allergic. So gee let me see let him drive around with him all day or have him in a mall walking around while he's sick like that. That would have been a good call.

As far as me hanging up. I gave him the information he needed and had nothing left to say. And that is far more than he had done for me. The day before he told me he was taking the baby to the hospital and hung up the phone. I called back and asked what happened he hung up again. I try to communicate only what is necessary and he doesnt even want to do that. Im know I cant CHANGE HIS BEHAVIOR. However, it doesnt mean he should get away with it and treat me the way he has been.

I didnt tell him he couldnt see the baby. I offered him this coming weekend for a makeup first he agreed then he refused said he wanted him right then and there. I would have been fine with him coming up with the police and he could have seen the baby. So I know I would have been safe. He wont share info with me about the baby and that's the only reason him and I even need to talk. The baby only.

I bite my tounge and let him know what's happening with the baby in spite of what he's done. That is the mature thing to do. Ive done it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 2:29pm

You know who is ultimately paying the price for all of this nonsense? Your son.

He gets to watch his mom chase his dad down demanding that he take a list and beg the girlfriend to make sure he is safe. I am sure he felt nice and safe then. He gets to overhear mommy and daddy scream at eachother over the phone. Poor thing is being yanked back and forth between 2 people who hate eachothers guts and don't seem to be able to stop themselves.

So what if he puts him in clothes that are too small, has he developed blood clots due to lack of circulation? Who cares if he left him with a security guard, hired to protect the residents of the building. You said you and your sister were right there so how long was he actually with the guard? 14 seconds or so?

You have to know that a judge, social worker or attorney are not going to do anything about these things. The most that you can hope for is a judge to tell him not to do it again.

I am not trying to pick on you or anger you. I am just saying there are so many other areas you can focus your energies and time on that would yeild much better results than the current course you are taking. You are stuck with this guy for the next 15 years, if it were me I would be trying like heck to find a way to get along.

My DH and his ex fought eachother for 18 months and he spent $16,000 on stuff just like this. She once paid an attorney $150 to send him a letter telling him not to give the 2 year old Gatorade??? It is now 5 years later and they have a totally different relationship. We share the kids 50/50 and co-parent together very well. DH and her new husband have coached the boys teams together now for the last 2 seasons. It can get to that point but you have to STOP looking for everything he is doing wrong and stirring the pot. If it ain't fatal let it go, you and your son will be much happier for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 10:04pm
All I see out of this situation is one mixed up kid. In my situation, I bite my tongue until it bleeds and bend over so far I can't get up to make things seem ok for my son. Hopefully when I die, I'll get some sort of reward - but who knows - maybe this is it....
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 11:21pm

Wow!!!!! That is pretty harsh!!!!!!


You know, people don't come to this site just for advice. Often we just come to vent, to get some emotions and thought out so that it's not all bottle up inside us. Yes, we could go to friends or family. However, there are many here, like myself, for whom that is not an option. No where in this post did she ask what to do or for advice. In fact, she was only adding on to her previous post about someone else seeing what happened. Often, when someone else sees this kind of thing going on it helps us realize that no, we aren't crazy, this really is going on.


It seems to me that red was just venting a little bit. She's having a very hard time dealing with all of this. Some of us have been dealing with this for many years, but others are very new at custody and visitation issues. Also, if you read her post, she DID offer a make-up visit when her DS was sick and her ex ACCEPTED it. It was AFTER that when he flipped out and showed up at her place unannounced and uninvited. Yes, she could handle things a bit differently, however, couldn't we all???? I'm sure that there have been times when you yourself behaved inappropriatly with an ex in regards to custody and visitation. It is such a sensitive issue. This board isn't for jumping on people, it's to offer caring support, a listening ear, and advice when it is asked for.


Sorry, I just cannot stand seeing someone that is going through such a terrible time being jumped on in the one place she should be able to feel safe to express herself.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 11:43pm

(((luvred)))


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 12:07am

One persons support, is another persons judgement -that's what makes this a great country...

JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 12:40am

"You have ignored all of it" hardly sounds supportive to me and I'm sure the OP did not feel supported by it. Those words ARE a judgement because they assume that the OP did or did not do something without all of the facts. I know that if I were the OP and had come to this board to vent what was going on, I would have felt attacked by the response. Yes, one person's judgement is another person's support, however, I hardly think ANYONE could see the response as supportive in any way. Then, to add insult to injury, when red replied suggesting that she was highly offended, insulted, and hurt by the comments that were made she was responded to with more of the same. The bottom line is that the response was to red and SHE has to make the call as to whether it was judemental or supportive. I think she made it very clear that she felt it was judemental and I simply agreed with her and defended her.


I'm not going to argue whether the response was judemental or supportive. That call could only be made by the OP (to whom the reply was written) and it seems that her feelings on it were pretty clear and she deserved to have someone acknowledge the fact that she is doing the best she can in the given situation. For her, it was hurtful and I only expressed my agreement. I also don't appreciate that the reply was written in terms of 'us', implying that the entire board felt the way that the poster did, which is way off-base. Again, I'm not going to argue whether or not it was supportive. If you would have felt supported and cared for from that reply, well then more power to you, that's the kind of person you are. However, Red said she was offended and hurt by the response and was once again replied to in a similar way. So, really, there's no question that she did NOT feel it was supportive. Yes, it is sad that her DS is going through this. However, that is the situation as it stands and past behaviors cannot be changed.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 8:32am

Thank you, Samantha. I agree. Luv is a very kind, compassionate poster. She is going through a horrible time dealing with her ex, and needs to vent. Hang in there, luv.

Edited to add: Since we're all only reading posts, sometimes it's hard to understand the "tone" behind them. However, I did also pick up on the fact that several of the posts were very unsupportive, and some even bordered on insulting.

Luv, please make sure you keep posting here.




Edited 3/1/2006 10:01 am ET by justiceandtruth
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 9:38am

Hi..... I'm sad that I didn't see this post yesterday when it began.


I know exactly what luv wants..... just what we're here for.... SUPPORT.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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