10 years a complete lie?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2008
10 years a complete lie?
12
Tue, 06-10-2008 - 8:17pm

So, we've been together for 10 years.

Julia

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2008
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 12:10am

Julia,

I was exactly where you are now, 9 months ago. My husband of 13 years said the same things yours did and walked out. Our stories are so similiar, right down to blaming me for things that occurred years ago but he never told me upset him!! Unfortunately, this appears to be a common way men deal with emotional issues and their problems. It's easier for them to walk away if they can blame us for everything. It took me many months and many lonely evenings crying and accepting all the blame he placed at my feet to finally realize that I can only take responsibility for my own actions and that I can't and WON'T accept responsibility for his feelings and his happiness. You are completely right in thinking that you should not keep putting yourself in a situation that destroys your self esteem. If you husband wanted to save the marriage, he wouldn't and shouldn't have taken the route he did.

Trust your instincts and protect yourself. Don't let him take you down with him. I finally decided that in my heart, I could never trust my ex again or get past the things he said to me. He's not showing you the respect you deserve for being there for him for the last 10 years. I put my ex up a a pedestal and thought he was a much better person than me and I think thats why I fell for all the crap he dumped on me. I'm stronger now and realize he was not the man I thought he was and is much weaker than I could ever imagine. We deserve better . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 11:05am

After I was married to my ex for 7 yrs, he suddenly came to me & said he wanted a divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 11:16am
Hi.. I just got on the board to post my own story but started to read the other posts first.. Yours sounds so similar to mine and I am so sorry for the confusion and shock and total disarray you are in right now.. I too have been with my husband for 10 years married 9 as of last week June 5.. We have had hard times but always seemed to last another year you know?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 10:23am

Julia,


I agree with some of the other posts-Men just seem to be able to move on and when they tell you they are not willing to work on your marriage trying to "win" him back is not even an option. I had been married a month shy of 30 years when my husband announced we were getting a divorce-we didn't argue during our marriage because he wouldn't-I was supposed to be able to read his mind-anyway I begged for 3 days for him to try counseling-go off for R&R -do anything and he said, "OK we'll assess at the beginning of next year" Romantic, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 11:47am

When my husband told me he was done - was leaving and wanted a divorce; I too thought I could get him back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2007
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 12:02pm

Dear Julia,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I do think your friend is wrong about fighting for him. There is only so much you can do, and if someone doesn't want to be fought for, then you're just setting yourself up for extra heartache.

Coming from the other side, my husband found out about my emotional affair and I thought for sure that he would leave me. Nope. I agreed not to talk and then found myself talking to this same guy again. Each time my husband caught me, he never told me it was over. I stopped having sex with him a year ago, thought by now he would say he's out. Nope. I told him I was not in love with him any more, that I was not sexually attracted to him, that I didn't enjoy spending time with him like I should. None of that was enough. I told him I wanted a separation, that wasn't enough. I told him last week, three times, that one of us needs to move out. He finally got it on the third consecutive night. Your husband is telling you the same thing. Now, you are being a devoted wife who wants the marriage to work, and that is hugely admirable. But, he doesn't want it. And if he doesn't want it to work, it never will. I wholeheartedly recommend that you start moving on now. If he decides to come back to you, you can re-evaluate things now. But, you very well may be wasting your time if you stick around.

It sounds like he has some work to do, and if he's willing to do it, things might work out for you down the road. But you can't force him to do it. Now, as far as calling the past 10 years a lie, I think that's not true. My husband has said that many times over the past year. There was absolutely nothing about our lives together that was a lie. People fall in and out of love. Terrible things happen and people get very hurt. That does not mean the life you had was a lie.

ETA: As far as him saying he never loved you, I think this is something people take from therapists. The therapist told us that if we ever loved each other, we could get it back. I don't necessarily think this is always the case. So, if I can't get it back no matter how hard I tried, doesn't that mean I never actually loved the person? Just a thought.




Edited 6/16/2008 12:11 pm ET by gogadgetgo
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 12:03pm
Georgia is a no fault state which means either party can file for really no reason. I got my hand forced because my STBX closed our joint bank account and cut up all credit cards so I had $500 to my name. I found a lawyer who was willing to take my diamond rings as collateral and take my husband to an emergency injunction forcing him to help support me until this is over. In order to do that I had to file-technically in GA it does not make a difference who actually files but the fact that I never wanted the divorce and I had to file hit me hard. Then STBX has thrown that in
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 12:36pm

Yea, Washington is a no-fault divorce state, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 3:33pm

Daisymaes_mom, what you described is almost exactly the position I am in now. About a week ago my husband withdrew several thousand dollars from our joint checking and closed the credit card, and also came and took our car (we only have one car) without telling me. I was forced to file for divorce so I could get access to my half of our savings and the car again. Divorce is the last thing I want- my husband just asked for a separation out of the blue six weeks ago and refused to even try counseling. It is so hard because although filing was my only option to protect my finances, it is absolutely not what I want. But like some previous posters said, if he has made up his mind and won't agree to counseling, there isn't a lot you can do.

One thing that helps me is to remember that filing doesn't set anything in stone. If he changes his mind, it can always be undone. But in the meantime, it is so important to do what you have to do to protect yourself and make sure you'll be okay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 8:51pm

I wish I could tell you I thought your STBX would change his mind-I was so sure mine would and when we met a few times to see if we could come to terms without going to court I still just felt he would see me and melt or something-I never believed it would get this far or that he could hate me this much after 30 years together.

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