10 years of marriage and divorce (unwanted) looming on the horizon. Is there any hope?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2011
10 years of marriage and divorce (unwanted) looming on the horizon. Is there any hope?
Fri, 09-23-2011 - 3:06pm

I had thought I was in a happy marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I was in somewhat of a similar situation--my ex decided that he wanted a divorce after 13 yrs of marriage & 2 kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2011

Thanks for responding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Mr Blair- I am very very sorry that your world is crumbling. By your post it seems as if it is being destroyed at a very quick rate and despite your best efforts you can do nothing to stop it. What a scary feeling.

Do you mind me asking what "other" reasons she has given for separation/divorce?

I am conflicted with the " I love" but "Im not in love" type thinking. It makes me wonder what her expectations are in a relationship and how they evolve and change over time. If she hasn't had an affair, she is primed for one. She feels something is missing in your marriage and she wants the chance to find "it" with someone else.

Why would you go a hotel when she is the one that needs to do all the thinking? She initiated this, not you.

When you say you have your faults, which of those faults has she talked about? I also get the feeling that she has been thinking divorce for much longer than 10 months? She probably doesn't seem as fearful because she is in control of this situation. Maybe she is using therapy as a means to say she tried. But from your post it seems like her mind is made up.

You sound extremely sad and heartbroken. (rightfully so). Despite your anguish, you have somehow got to turn this around even if just for you. You cannot control her. But you can control yourself. I think it would be easier for me to walk away from someone who appeared weak than trying to walk away from someone who was showing confidence in themselves, a renewed interest for life, and plans for a new life without me. We all want to be wanted and desired. While you are showing this to her, she is not reciprocating. She is not happy? Then you have to cut her loose. I think true love for someone else is selfless and wanting their happiness above your own.

You sound like a decent man. It sounds as if you are doing all the right things and you are willing to do to whatever it takes. I really believe that the true issues are all about her, and the problem lies with her not you and it wouldn't change if you were insanely perfect.

You choose everyday when you wake up what your attitude for the day will be. That is your choice. You choose to be happy or sad or mad. Please do not let your wife dictate the mood or tone. No one deserves nor should demand that degree of control over someone. Try to find and rejoice in all the blessings you have in your life. Your child for one. Your divorce may become your reality and in that case, I think it is vital for you to show your child that life goes on, that they still matter and his/her parent can still be happy, whole and productive.

I don't know if you have always been this way or if it's just recent, but it is time for you to take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror. If you are as you describe then there are many woman who would be proud to claim you. You are worthy and deserving of a happy life filled with love a laughter. You are 41 years young with many many years left. It is hard to read your despair as it comes thru very clearly.

I can't stress to you that this is about her and what she thinks she needs. This isn't about what you are lacking. She is lacking something, not you.

Somehow you have to find that strong and confident and positive and hopeful person that lives inside of you but has put to the very back. I can guarantee that she will see you very differently. She wants you to be miserable without her. I think that if You showed her that that you are will survive without her that is a good thing. She probably doesn't know what she is even looking for and we all know that the grass definitely isn't always as green as we would like it to be.

Time to raise your chin up a notch. Be proud of who you are and how you have conducted yourself. Please take care. I hope that things turn out the very best for the three of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

I really do hate to say this, BUT 9 times out of 10 when you hear the words "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore" it means your spouse is already seeing someone else. Those words are a classic giveaway many betrayed spouses have heard before. I really hate to be a downer, but if that's the case there is really no hope in even trying to save the marriage. She of course will deny it. Does she leave her phone laying around and give you free access to it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
I also think she's involved with someone. If you feel that in your gut, it's more than likely true. My advice is to start looking out for yourself (and your daughter of course). I know it's hard when your emotions are so raw. You will need to grieve the loss of your marriage, your dreams,expectations, etc... It's perfectly normal to have those types of emotions. If you start focusing on you, and not throw all your energy at her, believe me it will bother her. Not enough for her to change her mind but enough to wonder why the sudden change in you. Start taking care of yourself physically and emotionally. Don't plead for things with her, it just feeds her ego and control. Just go about your merry way. Fake it. Show her you deserve respect and do that by respecting yourself. If you really think you'll end in divorce, go seek a lawyer now so you are prepared for what to expect. Gain some control of the situation. It doesn't mean you'll run off and file for divorce. You just don't need her surprising you on it and you're off scrambling to understand what's going on. It will annoy her to know you went to a lawyer whether she finds out now or later on.

I will tell you that all will be over time and you will survive. I was cheated on and left with 2 small kids. I was enraged. Fast forward two years and we are throwing my son's bday party together. He's still with the skank he left me for but she's never in my picture or involved with the kids (for now). Bottom line, you'll see how strong you really are and how much you can bear for the sake of your child and sanity. If she truly isn't involved with someone, you'll be able to coparent probably just fine.

Best of luck and stay strong!
Avatar for somanytears
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2005

I am sorry you are going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2011

Hi, I am sorry to hear that your world is falling apart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007

I am sor very sorry!