11 Years of lies, 2 suicide attempts by spouse, 3 kids, now divorcing......sooooo angry!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2011
11 Years of lies, 2 suicide attempts by spouse, 3 kids, now divorcing......sooooo angry!!
7
Mon, 09-26-2011 - 12:43pm

Here goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008

It's definitely not to late to start over at 36.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2011
Thanks Tasha. :o)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006

Sounds to me like your x is a sociopath. Read the book "The Sociopath Next Door."

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

wow; I am always so fascinated when people say the word "sociopath"... I believe that my ex was one also.. although I could never prove it he exhibited a ton of strange behavior.. My ex was also controlling and somewhat abusive.

I didnt realize my ex's sociopathic behavior until I left home and left him.. On some occasions I would return to the marital home and what I would find on x's computer and in the garbage blew me away... He wouldnt be home and I would be searching for things he did.. Now when I was married to him I trusted him and I didnt question anything and why would I search for things. Then my intuition and gut feelings kicked in and I started finding out real truths about the man who was my husband.It was sick and scary and surreal all at the same time.

Mine was already on dating sites and hooking up with women as soon as I was out the door. He was also involved in money schemes and other things that I knew nothing about. He wrote crazy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2011

It is so nice to know that I am not losing my mind.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

Led,

First of all you are not "too old" at 36 to start over. You are young!

Secondly, if you haven't tapped into the local domestic violence support network, you should. You were and are a victim of domestic violence. Plug into the National Domestic Violence Hotline at:

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
First of all....I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you've had a really rough go of it. With that in mind, it can't go anywhere but up from here, right?

I'll address a couple of your thoughts....first of all, NO..NO...NO you're not too old to start over. In my opinion, one is never too old to start over, but especially not at age 36. Heck, a lot of people don't even get married these days until they're in their 30's. But regardless, if you're wondering if you're too old to ever meet someone and find some happiness in the relationship department, of course not. Granted, the pickings start to get thinner as you get older, but don't let that scare you. When the time is right, I'm sure you will have another relationship. So don't worry about that at all.

Another worry you have is whether you can get past this. Of course you can! You are a strong woman. Look at what you've been through with him....and you're still here, still standing. You may feel like a Weeping Willow right now, but you're actually a sturdy Oak. You have been through the wringer with this man, and you're not the one attempting suicide or having your mother caretake you. You're here, on a messageboard, looking for ways to deal. That's the truly strong one, you know?

I do have to say one thing that is probably the biggest life lesson it sounds like you could learn, and that is that you need to hold yourself accountable, though, for staying. From the sounds of it, you knew long ago that he was someone that wasn't honest, but you forgave him. Then he started controlling you and being super possessive. That was followed by a suicide attempt and alcohol abuse. All of these things alone are reasonable deal-breakers, but combined? I'm sure you know this, but you could have and should have thrown in the towel on this one a loooong time ago. But you didn't. You made the CHOICE to stay, and that is the key word here....choice. The lying about who he is would actually have been reason enough back then to end the marriage. Afterall, you didn't marry HIM, you married who you thought was him. Who he was pretending to be. That's not the basis by which a marriage should start. You should have ran like your hair's on fire. But you didn't. So you have to stop blaming him for all of this. You played a part, and until you can look at this and see it clearly, there's a strong chance of you repeating this in your next relationship. Most bad relationships have red flags LONG before the end. But we just get so blinded by "love" and denial that we don't heed them. In order to truly move past all the pain and anger and hurt, you have to fully acknowledge to yourself what happened and vow to never let that happen again. Make a commitment to yourself that going forward, at the first big red flag, you're going to get out of the relationship. And I mean red flags..like drug abuse, cheating, lying, etc....not annoyances like you don't like the way they chew or something. A person can learn to live with quirks. You can't learn to live with dysfunctions. Avoid the wounded birds.

You will get past this. It just takes time and work. I suggest a therapist or counselor if you are willing. You can get past this without one, but you can do it quicker and learn a lot about yourself as well if you have one.

Take time to love yourself these days. Take a nice, hot bath. Go for walks. Read. Reflect. Surround yourself with people you enjoy....I imagine you've been missing this for awhile because of his possessiveness and controlling. Don't even open yourself up right now to another relationship. It's not time. Anyone you may start right now I can pretty much assure you won't work out. You're not ready.

Most of all, love yourself. You're going to be fine. Better than fine You are going to LOVE the freedom you will have not having to deal with him and his problems 24/7.