13 years.... it's time
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| Mon, 11-26-2007 - 6:58am |
Our 13th anniversary is coming up. And it's time for us to end this. It's been 13 years of very rocky roads. Up and Down. My best friend, who has been with us for 9 years, says that we really need to end this destruction. 6 months ago I cheated on him. It broke us. I committed to him. To life with him. He, I am believing now, has never forgiven me. I went out with some girlfriends of a girlfriend 2 weeks ago, either got a ruffee or overdrank, and was raped. He believes that I didn't intend on being raped, that I didn't cheat on him, but he feels that subconsciously I stepped out on him again. I took my ring off at the beginning of the night, a stupid thing to do, I see now, but it wasn't because I wanted to cheat on him, it was because for one night, I wanted to be just one of the girls. I was dancing with them, was kicking back with them. And then it happened. He says that I even danced with a guy before I don't remember anything, and, well, yeah, I did, but it wasn't because I was cheating, it was one song that I was dancing to out of boredom while waiting for the girls, I see how he sees that it was cheating, though. and my best friend says ALL external relationships need to end. ALL. Well, he started forming a (very quick) relationship with one of his acquaintances. They bonded very quickly. They found a passion and connection that is unrivaled. 3 days. Now he wants to end it. I see why. and I see what my girlfriend says, it's been a long road of destruction.
and now he's debating. how long do i have to wait until i find out his decision? i just want this to end. but i'm scared of what will happen if we divorce. i am at the bargaining stage: i will do anything to keep him. perhaps this is a sign that we just need to end it? and how do we do that? i mean, i am scared of ending it. we have 3 kids of our own, and we're raising my nephew. and will this girl take on my nephew, even for the weekends? and i'm scared of being alone. but i'm tired of the fighting, like him. i read this one quiz that was saying "is it time"... some of the questions: are you constantly bickering? is there any passion between you? omg. so many of them, i was like WOW. we DO really need to just shoot the dead horse, don't we?
but we keep going. we keep taping it back up again. at this point, i just wish he'd walk out. today. just say 'that's it.' neither of us REALLY want to end it. but both of us are tired of this. but i feel it's his decision. is it? or is it mine, too? i've said "you decide. and let me know. this is YOUR decision." he asked me last night what i want and i said that i want HIM. i want life & passion with HIM. there is no one else for me. when i was dancing with the girls I WAS NOT CHEATING ON HIM. not in my heart i wasn't. i didn't mean ill!! but he doesn't believe that. i don't blame him. but i don't know what to do.
i need help with this. i don't know what to do. i'm scared of ending it, but we keep taping up this destructive relationship. all we do is bicker and fight. but we love each other so much. we've been through counseling. we've done all the right things to work it out. but it's not working. i feel that he just doesn't want it to work. he's not willing to forgive for my cheat 6 months ago. i feel that he never did forgive me. and my cheat. he sees why. he sees that it was 12 years of DESTRUCTION. oh, it was not a good marriage. abuse, physical and emotional. sexual deviance. alcohol abuse and disapproval from his family of me. depression. and things have gotten so better. i feel it all hinges on one thing: his forgiveness of the past.
what do i do?

Java,
A couple of questions. First, when you say you "went to counseling" what type of counseling was it and how long did you go? Was it couple or individual? Who stopped going? Him or you? Or did you both give up on it?
An observation: it seems the two of you are entangled in your mutual codependency and dsyfunction. Neither can let go of the other yet you keep abusing each other. Each of you wants the other to determine the "end" of the relationship yet neither of you will.
Sometimes people in abusive relationships have a difficult time leaving them because that kind of behavior is all they know. They don't know how to seek a peaceful relationship or sustain one because they're so tuned to waiting for the other shoe to drop. Very often they create chaos in their lives because that's what they know.
I would strongly encourage you to seek individual counseling. You need objectivity and you need a plan. Right now I'd say the two of you are engaged in an ongoing "dance of anger" and you don't know how to disengage. A counselor can help you identify your destructive behaviors and help you disengage. It won't be quick or easy, but if your goal is peace, it's a great place to start.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
WT,
I appreciate the boards, as it helped me to focus my thoughts and my emotions. To answer your questions, we started counseling (an EXCELLENT counselor... and i've been to enough to know) right after I cheated on him. We had 6 sessions through his EAP, so that was our 'limit'. Things moved along nicely. but he covers his real thoughts/emotions with falsities... says "yeah, i'm moving on, comes up sometimes, but, yeah, i forgive her". that's a crock. on our last session, the counselor realized that it wasn't over for me. she said she wanted to see me again. once she starts counseling me individually, she said, she can no longer counsel the marriage. it's a conflict of interest. she told us this up front.
i debated going to her. but, dang, 2 weeks and this stupid thing happened. i called her right away, said i NEEDED to resolve some issues in me. deep things. so i went twice. and then this. If that answers your question?
as to your observation, you're right. we're both tangled. i went again last night, after my convo with her and with a certain co-worker, a long with some other things that had been coming to my thoughts recently, i realized that it was time for ME to take control of this relationship. so, in response to your observation and comments about 'breaking the cycle', you're right on. it's time for me to step up to the plate and take charge. which i did yesterday. after my 'session', i went to his work, where he was putting in his last hour, and told him the limits that i was setting on the relationship. i was not going to tell him what to do with HIS life, but was going to tell him what limitations i expect in MY life... i.e. no texting her while he's with me, etc. There will be no more fighting. period. i asked my counselor how i was to control my emotions, which are very difficult to control, and she said that that is where medication will help me. until i am able to get this situation into stability and health. right now it is imperative that i control my thoughts and emotions. he is my husband, and we have a family to concentrate on. if he chooses to leave, it will be his choice, but i'm not going down without a fight. there is no one else that is going to raise my children, not if i can at all help it.
there are other issues in my personal life that i will have to deal with, i've known this. but it is not his responsibility to make sure they get dealt with, which is what i've put on him all these years. "if it's important enough to YOU that i get fixed, you'll make it happen". what a crock. this is my life. i have control of this. he's not going anywhere, so long as i can help it. no 22 yr old young thing is going to have what i have. i have his heart, his soul. he is yearning for something that we had once. and i am going to make sure that that comes back. it's my responsibility. to me. to us. and to our kids.
so to respond to you, i didn't want to leave this convo hanging. it's been an awakening several days. my g/f mentioned that she's never seen this level of fight in me.... i think the thought of losing my husband just made me say "nope. not going to happen" and made me wake up and realize that i can't screw around with this.
-j