15 years and he is done-Please help me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2007
15 years and he is done-Please help me
3
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 2:50pm

Well, I have looked around and there is some great advise here but I still need your help. Long story-short. I have been with my husband since 1989 married in 1992 and have three great kids. Things were great till 2004. We have been having problems on and off since Dec of 2004. I have made efforts to improve things but I now realize there is nothing more I can do to make him happy. He shocked me three months ago, one night (after being "intimate); That he had been unhappy for a long time, that I am boring and lame, we have no fun and go nowhere, I do not surprise him, I could go on on on...I made efforts to change after his "rant" and I thought things were improving.

He seemed happier, or so I thought. Well, two weeks ago he gave me the same speech. This time I knew I had made some effort to improve and I now think he was the one with the problem. He thinks he is being neglected-I blew up and told him I take care of the kids first and then him. If anyone is neglected it is me! I take care of the house, the kids, the finances, EVERYTHING and I work full time. There is no "me" time. I am allowed no outside activities unless I bring the kids with me (I do not have time for anything anyway). He only helps me with the kids when he wants to. I told him there were many men that would be happy to have the life he has.

I thought he and I were best friends, I am 40 but take very good care of myself, I do just about ALL of the child care duties and running the household duties, I do make an effort to make him feel "special and loved", we have a great house and we have friends. He evidently still needs more. I am just exhausted by the end of the day and can not be the sex pot wife. I am not in the mood to throw on sexy outfits after I put the kids to bed, especially knowing I will need to be up at sunrise to get the kids up and ready for school. He has the luxury of waking up and getting dressed at his own pace. I have supported his career ALWAYS even though I am and have been the "real" bread winner. His paycheck does not even cover the house note. I however NEVER have brought up the fact that I really support the family. I really always considered us a team and the money did not matter. He was supportive of my job too.

Now to my point, I love him but he has made it clear that he does not "want" me any longer. Two weeks ago when I confronted him with my efforts to make him happy he just said they made no difference and that he has just been "going through the motions"-whatever that means. After the "talk" two weeks ago he slept in the guest room-I am sure my crying was keeping him awake! I figured he would have just moved into the guest room but he came back to bed the next night. I thought about telling him to "sleep" upstairs at it is hypocritical for him to sleep in the same bed as me knowing his true feelings. I thought it was better for me to consider my "exit" plan. Can I move into the guest room or will this somehow affect the divorce. I know if I move upstairs it will make him angry and the kids will be upset to know we are fighting. I personally think he is already planning the divorce because I have noticed in the last year he has started to get more involved with the kids (still only if convenient) and he was asking questions about our retirement, bills, my company, etc. I think he may be getting advise from his "buddies" at work. He may have a female he is interested in. I will always love him but I know I am tired of living my life "around" him. It is hard for me to know he has moved on and is interested in going in another direction. I can not make him happy and he does not "want me". I have no parents nor siblings and am afraid to talk to my friends. He was really my only family. Is it alright for me to be the one that moves upstairs? What shouild I be afraid of? Am I doing the right thing by making a move? Oh, we also have a family cruise in three weeks to celebrate our 15th anniversay-I booked the cruise thinking we were in good place. Any advise? Thanks in advance for your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 3:00pm

I was in the same spot as you were. I did everything, he did as he wanted.

Let me tell you, now I have a new boyfriend and it is wonderful!! He helps me 100X more with my daughter than my husband ever did. He also helps with cooking, cleaning and makes more $ than me. This is like a dream to me. He appreciates everything I do and is always willing to help out. Actually tells me that I need "me" time.

I know it is hard but there are better men out there. Go on your last cruise and count your losses. My daughter is better off now, she is falling in love with my new BF.

You deserve to be happy and not taken advantage of.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 4:51pm

You sound just like me, only I knew STBX had girls on the side. 3 kids, married 16 years. My H even used the same words 'going through the motions'.

My advice to you, ask around for a recommendation for a good divorce attorney. Doesn't mean you have to pay them a retainer, or start litigation, but you need good advice for YOU on what to do, and what not to do. Each state is different, so your question about the guest room depends on the state you are in. I paid for 1 hour of attorney time and it was money well spent.

In addition, I would make copies of important papers and store them in a secure place, in particular how much you each had when you got married (savings, 401K etc). If you want to make any financial changes, do them now, before he files or you file. After a filing you will be restrained from making changes.

In the meantime, you might want to consider marriage counseling for the two of you. But I would also start snooping a bit, and find out if your intuition is correct about a OW. Counseling won't do any good if he is emotionally invested in someone else.

Its good that you are financially independent, but don't be surprised that you could end up paying him child support or spousal support if you are the main breadwinner.

This is not fun, but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel already. After years of being a 'single' parent, I will be able to enjoy the perks of being single as well.

M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 5:24pm

There are community classes on divorce; try to attend some. Start networking to find a lawyer; establish a separate bank account so you can pay your lawyer separately. Ask all your questions of your lawyer. Prepare yourself. Organize your financial plan. Get all documents located and secure (accounts, tax returns, life insurance, retirement etc).

It sucks!

Sounds like he is selfish, self-absorbed and HE comes first before the welfare of his children and his commitment to his family. Like my stbx, but maybe more functional than mine.

Hurts like heck and hurts most of all for the children, I think.

At least you are a breadwinner and know you can carry on financially; that is a big plus. I have been a sahm for almost 7 years; my children are 4 and 6; not even in full-time school yet. We face poverty and losing our home because of my stbx's supreme selfishness.

GL to you and stick around for support.

M