1st New Year's Eve Alone

Avatar for ericas_mom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
1st New Year's Eve Alone
19
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 3:52pm

Hi everyone! I was referred over here by Steph from "Happy at Home". I'm on another support board too, but I know the IV gals are always really supportive!


Anyway, my situation is stbx (soon to be ex, for those who don't know) is a verbally abusive

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2005
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 8:56am
Hi, my first NYE alone too....but I chose to stay home by myself and indulge myself
(could have ordered take out from some great restuarants) but decided on making a luscious steak. One year when we didn't have anything to do, we went to Chinatown and had a "Chinese New Year" How about Chinese take out? And I'm going in the bath for hours, head to toe, soup to nuts, complete with candles and music. How about setting up a " spa for you and your daughter. Pedicure, manicure, makeup whatever. and then I'm working on an art project and either watching TV or music till the ball comes down...I know it's easier for me because my daughters are grown and they aren't here to resist my ideas...so if Erica doesn't want to go along with your program at least do something special for yourself when she's asleep. Be good to yourself...(((hugs))) Cee
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 10:40am

Hi Amy!

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

Avatar for ericas_mom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 11:11am

Hi Susan! Thanks for your response and for sharing your experience.


"It sounds like you need to set boundaries with the ex about what is and is not okay for him to say to your daughter.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 11:37am

By, "go that route" I mean talk to the lawyer about getting this enforced. That you will limit the phone calls if he continues to use them as a weapon against you. No judge is going to be happy with this behavior.

Why hasn't he seen his daughter? If it's a question of safety, what about supervised visitation? I don't understand why he hasn't seen her. You both are responsible for making sure that happens. Of course she's angry that she hasn't seen him and she should see him as soon as possible. Talk to your lawyer about how to arrange that.

As for your daughter, you must tell her when she is calm that her behavior is not okay (the saying she hates you and putting her hands over her ears) and that there are consequences for that. Lay out what they will be...limiting television, going to her room, going to bed early etc. You can tell her that she is welcome to have her feelings and to talk to you about them but she is not welcome to disrespect you. Say it calmly and lovingly. You are the parent. Tell her there are consequences if she doesn't respect you.

You must tell her she can always talk to you and if she needs a counselor, GET IT FOR HER. She needs healthy outlets for her negative feelings but screaming at you at the time is NOT it and it is not okay. Give this child boundaries and limits but also give her room to talk or someone to talk to. Her feelings are okay, acting out on them is not.

Don't tell her that it hurts your feelings. Tell her it is not okay. She is not responsible for taking care of your feelings, you are. You have to let her know, it is just not behavior that you are willing to put up with. Yes, you do need to take the approach that you are her parent but also everyone deserves respect and that is why you are to get it. You must tell her this when she is calm and when she acts out there must be logical and natural and IMMEDIATE consequences to taht.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation with bricks thrown by others."

GettingPastYourPast - The Blog!




Edited 12/31/2006 11:40 am ET by susangpyp

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

Avatar for ericas_mom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 12:04pm

OK-I will try it. I attend Al-Anon meetings. What you are saying is pretty much what they teach-that we are responsible for our reactions. I think I will change what I tell her to reflect that. I've been trying really hard to get her into counseling. It's just been rough with the wait times, holidays, etc. I pray she can start soon.


The other part of the problem is that my aunt, who I live with, has been excusing my daughter's behavior a lot by saying, "She's hurting-she's entitled, etc." I think at some point we have to stop using that excuse.


Why he hasn't seen her is a really long story. Basically, it boils down to he's an alcoholic, he drinks and drives with her in the car. When I left him, I went to stay with my relative who is in another state. Therefore, he blames me for taking away his proximity to her. But, since the divorce is not final, there is a very real fear of him kidnapping her. When I bring that up with my attorney, she basically says, "Well, that's what YOU did" meaning I took her out of state. What happened was, he wanted to drive out here and pick her up for 12 hours, then bring her back. We were deathly afraid to let him do that, for fear he wouldn't return her. My attorney was in agreement with that. When stbx was told the visit needed to be supervised by me and a relative, he started acting childish. LIke, "My way or not at all" so he refused to drive the 7 hours out here for that visit. It's like a friend of mine said, "If he was a loving father, he would have driven that distance to see her, even if only for a few hours". Then, he turns around and blames ME for not getting to see her. So now, his childish behavior is affecting my daughter. Hope you understand better now.


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 12:32pm

You need to arrange for supervised visitations. She needs to see her father and you need to be sure that he is not going to kidnap her or drive drunk with her. That is what supervised visitations are for. Why hasn't your attorney made a motion to the court for that? YOU MUST address the visitation issue. He can drive up and see her for a few hours of supervised visitation every other week. Your attorney does not seem too on the ball here.

Keep going to Al-Anon and listen to them...they know boundaries. Tell your aunt that there is no excuse for unacceptable behavior. There are reasons but no excuses. Yes, life gets tough on us all but we are not allowed to misbehave because of it.

She needs to see her dad. Air your fears to the court about the drunk driving and go for supervised visitation in your state. You live there now and that court has jurisdiction. Make sure the court knows you moved there because you feared for your safety and you have family there. Sometimes courts are not happy when one parent just up and moves the child away from the other parent. You must give the court your reasons for moving because courts frown on keeping a child from another parent. If you want things to go your way, you want the court to see your side of things. You must tell the court you are afraid for your daughter's safety because he drives drunk. You must have an attorney whose answer is not "Well you did that." You have to be proactive with the courts and have an attorney who represents your interests. Make sure that yours does or get another attorney.

Get her into counseling as soon as you can. Call as many counselors as you can. Find one who has a background in alcoholic family systems. Talk to her school and see if she can see the counselor there. But set limits and boundaries with her. Children need to know they are safe and having you in charge, especially of her, lets them know that. Children sometimes push to see how strong you are because how strong you are translates into how safe they are. Yes, she has very good reason to feel angry and hurt but acting out at you is not okay. You need to set boundaries and limits, to let her know you are in charge and you are strong enough to protect her from anything. If you can't protect yourself from her, she is not going to believe you can protect her from anything bigger than her. Get the kid counseling and tell her she is entitled to all of her feelings but not all of her behaviors.

Talk to the attorney about supervised visitation and limiting the phone calls if he does not stop bad mouthing you. If she doesn't work on this (immediately) talk to some other attorneys. You need to take charge of your life. Your attorney works for you, your daughter is the the child, your aunt is not the child's mother. You are in charge.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation with bricks thrown by others."

GettingPastYourPast - The Blog!




Edited 12/31/2006 12:36 pm ET by susangpyp

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 4:48pm
It's a sea turtle...we got to swim with them on our honeymoon (just got remarried). I need to change my avatar...lol!
Avatar for ericas_mom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 10:09pm

Susan-I understand you mean well, but unfortunately, a couple of things that you said in your response are incorrect.


"Your attorney does not seem too on the ball here. You need to arrange for supervised visitations. She needs to see her father and you need to be sure that he is not going to kidnap her or drive drunk with her. That is what supervised visitations are for. Why hasn't your attorney made a motion to the court for that?"


No, I

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 10:48pm
No you didn't offend. I don't know the jurisdiction or the state or the particular issues
in your case. It is very difficult when you go to another state and file there. The courts
have a really tough time with that if you have not been there long. The courts really do not like "self help" and many times consider leaving the state with a child to be just that...so it is probably best to tread carefully if you have not been there long. But you should keep the issues about drunk driving front and center. Good luck.

Susan




"Success is building a foundation with bricks thrown by others."


GettingPastYourPast - The Blog!

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

Pages