The 1st visit was A NIGHTMARE!
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| Mon, 02-13-2006 - 3:33pm |
I need help and I need help fast. My god the exchange this weekend was a disaster. My ex was to pick up the baby at 11a.m To no surprise he was late. The court order gives him a 1/2 hour due to unforseen circumstances. Fine. He arrives 25min late. He just takes the baby and refuses to talk to me. Im asking him if he has a car seat for the baby because he drove his truck. He ignores me. I ask him again, he ignores me so I said you cant take the baby if you don't have a car seat. He pushes pass me and goes to his truck so I followed. His girlfriend gets out and pulls a car seat out of the back. All he had to do was tell me yes I got a car seat. So then I tell him here is a list of what the baby needs, refuses to take it and ignores me. I said why are you acting like this, here is what the baby needs. He ignores me.
He starts yelling and cursing so I took the baby out of the car and went to the passenger's side to the girlfriend to talk to her. I told her, look I dont have anything against you. But he is being unreasonable will you take this list please and go over it in case you have any questions. Then he said all the baby needs is his father he dont need nothing from his b!%ch a$$ mother. I said you how he's acting and she told him dont say those things and he said he doesnt care. She said she understands that its hard for both of us but he hasnt seen him in so long and its hard for him. So I told her I have never kept the baby from him, he never asked to see him. He ranted and raved and told my sister's boyfriend that he hopes I get hit by a car. He was out of control. He told his gf dont talk to her, dont talk to her. So I went over the list with her and asked her to make sure I got back some cream I was sending for the baby, she said ok. I put the baby in her lap and said I trusting that you will watch him and I just want to be sure he is safe and she said she will watch him.
Then the drop off. It should have been at 6:00pm. He arrived at 6:15pm no phone call nothing. He walks pass me and my sister goes into my building, hands a bag to a security guard, puts the baby down and walks out. He left him with a stranger. And leaves the bldg. I asked him what are you doing, he ignores me, I asked him did he return the cream he ignores me I rush to the baby and he's looking funny. I pick him up asking him if he's okay and he just put his head on my shoulder. I take him upstairs and beging to change his clothes, mind you they changed his outfit from the one I put on him, fine to my horror his pajama pants were soaking wet, all down his leg. I pulled them off, and the pamper was soaked. I was livid, so upset I started to cry because this is just wrong. This is the second time he did this. During a visit Oct. 15th he had him for 9 hrs and didnt change the diaper the whole day. Now the baby wears training pants Im trying to potty train him which are less absorbent. I wanted it stated in the court order that he must change his pamper but the judge thought it was silly. I guess she assumed what parent wouldnt change their childs diaper.
I called A.C.S. Im fed up. He is unstable. He curses me out, threatens me, neglects the baby's diaper, leaves him with a stanger, refuses to communicate anything with me regarding the baby I cant take this. I need someone to be on my side. I tried calling my lawyer and got no response. Sunday he started again. He wanted to take him without a carseat I told him it's illegal. Then he left a message saying he was cancelling the visit due to the snow and he wanted a make up could I consider next sat. or sun. Then calls back asking if I got the message. what about his make up visit I said we have to figure it out. He starts yelling saying he entitled to next sat. or sun. I said no it's my weekend we have to compromise. He hung up on me. Then a few minutes later he was ringing my saying he wants the baby now. I told him he cancelled and hung up the intercom. He called me on the phone yelling he didnt cancel the visit. I said you did and I dont know if I can change my plans I will let you know. He said fine and hung up.
I put in another call to my lawyer stating to the service it was an emergency. she calls back asking what's the problem I tell her all of that has happened and she says it's sunday and Im interupting her family time, she doesnt see what the emergency is, the judge wont care about any of these things, not the car seat, not if he refuses to communicate, nothing, she favors the fathers, if I go against the court order I will go to jail. And Im like but he's doing all these things, this is harmful to the baby she has to care about the babys best interest, she says she doensnt care about these issues only that the visits happen.
Even if he's putting the baby at risk ? Someone please help me. What can I do to protect the baby and myself.

It's sort of ironic that he dropped the baby off with the security guard.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Luv, what a HORRIBLE mess than man is! I will tell you, if you do refuse him his court-ordered visitation, you can be found in contempt. I know, it's awful. My STBX cursed me in front of our son, calls me HORRIBLE names on the phone, follows mw, etc., and is now staying in a small one-bedroom bedroom apartment with our son sleeping on a cot the nights he's with him. Unfortunately, you have to go through hell to prove that he is unfit to take your child for visitation.
Karen is right...document everything, and if he tried to take your child without a car seat, call the police right away. He leaves your child with the security guard? Police. And I would DEFINITELY suggest calling DCF also.
I feel truly awful for you. It is terrible that the court is not being more supportive of your very real concerns. I wish I had better advice.
Hi,
I'm so sorry that your going through this! My only suggestion is to file a complaint with your local police department in regards to him leaving him with a total stranger! He didnt leave him with a licensed daycare provider. For all anyone knows this person could be some freak! I dont know where you live but that has to be illegal! And as for
the securtiy guard why didnt he say something instead of letting him leave the baby with him?
Sorry I can't be of much help but I'm sending you a lot of hugs!!!!
Taylor
hugs.... i don't have any advice just wanted to send you hugs - this sounds like a nightmare... and your lawyer, pardon me, doesn't sound like someone i would want to continue with.
as for dealing with your ex - unless you can get the courts to discontinue the visits, or to force him to have supervised visits/drop offs - i would just try to keep on insisting on the BIG things (like a car seat) and forget about everything else. yes - a diaper rash is uncomfortable but it DOES go away and in THIS CASE (i normally would not suggest this) i would tell you not to fight him on this issue.
also - DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE WHEN HE CALLS. EVER!!! let your machine pick up the calls, and inform him that ANY CHANGES IN THE SCHEDULE should be sent to you by mail. that's it. there is NO WAY right now that you and he can talk civilly so stop trying. again - its just going to stress you and make you angry and sad and its going to get you nowhere.
huge hugs to you!!
I know you are not going to want to hear this but your attorneys advice is correct, the judge and CPS are not going to care about any of this. Wet pants and volatile exchanges are minor compared to what they deal with every day. If you continue to go in front of a judge and call CPS with allegations like these it will be YOU who looks bad not dad. Sorry but it is just the way it is.
Your child is not going to be injured from wet pants but he will definitely be damaged growing up watching his mom and dad scream and threaten eachother. There were many opportunities for you to walk away from the situation. Once you saw that he had the car seat why insist that he take the list?? He was only going to have the child for 7 hours does he really need an instruction manual?
I know this situation is emotional and full of angst but you really are making it much harder than it has to be, for both you and your son. You know that your ex is a jerk so don't even engage him, walk away, don't answer his calls etc.
I know the desire to feed the anger, believe me I know, but it really is a destructive and bitter path. You are at the very beginning of this process, there are some of us who are years into it, we have been where you are. The biggest piece of advice I can give you is let all this crap go. You will be so much happier if you just disengage.
The one serious issue you have is the car seat. Have your attorney send his attorney a letter that states that it is the law that the child be placed in a car seat and leave it at that. Hard to do I know but again you are at the beginning of all of this and your emotions are raw, I promise this will get much better as time goes on.
Thanks to all of you who have sent your advice, love and support. It is greatly appreciated. I did call the police about him leaving the baby with a stranger, they spoke with the guard and he confirmed what I said so right there that is a third party unbiased. The police notifed ACS and they are coming out to me either today or tomorrow. I have started a journal and will surely document everything. Now the baby has a horrible cold, today he's going to the doctor, I will get a note from the dr. It's amazing he had one visit with his father who changed his hat, bought him out in wet clothes and now the baby is very sick.
So I will document it all. But his verbal abuse must STOP. I can guarantee if I was doing it to him he would not allow it.
But it seems like Im in a catch 22 here. The car seat issue, it's illegal for a child not to be in one I know so I have the right to refuse him to take him w/o it. But if I do that I disobey the court order and will go to jail. This makes no sense. If I ask him if he has a car seat he refuses to tell me, am I supposed to run to the car behind him,to look in his car? Then he'll say Im harassing him, Im acting like a maniac chasing him or something. It's like the courts are all on his side, he has the right to cancel, he has the right to be late.
The order states I can only cancel if there is a sufficient medical reason with the baby and I have to give at least 24hrs notice. How is that. What if the baby wakes up the morning of the visit very sick like this morning for example and the visit is for 11am. If I cancel will I be in contempt. I dont know. This is scary.
You always give good advice. With respect to him having to cancel the visit due to the weather that was the one good move he made and I was very glad he did. I did try to compromise with him as to scheduling a make up visit. He was demanding either next sat. or sun. Saturday is out b/c the baby has a dr's visit. I was telling him I had plans on Sunday and would try to change them but I would have to get back to him and he refused to accept that. Yelling at me to tell him what day he'll get him right now or he's taking him out in the blizzard. This is pure lunacy and its like the courts think all women must be keeping the children from men once a break up has happened.
It's sick.
Don't forget, he is the parent, too... and HE can take the baby to doctor's visits AND care for him when he's sick..... it's HIS responsibility as a parent.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hugs to you Red...I don't even know what to say.
Peace,
Di
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