2 years later, and it goes on...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
2 years later, and it goes on...
15
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 9:37am

Good morning all. I posted this message on the Betrayes Spouses board, but thought someone here might be able to relate and offer some insight or wisdom for me...

It has been a very long time since I've been here. As a quick recap, 2 years ago when I was 7.5 months pregnant, found out my EX-H was cheating with some twentysomething girl, he left me alone with my 2 year old son to move in with her. He begged for another chance after a few months of misery with her. I gave him a chance with the no contact stipulation, he talked to her, I kicked him out and divorced him just over a year ago. He went back to her for a while, was miserable again and then spent the better part of the last year trying to win me back. I have moved on, tried to be nice about it, tried to do everything I could to promote a very positive co-parenting relationship between us. we spent time together with the kids, he spent a lot of time at my house with the kids, but I did make it clear to him that I was not planning on getting back together with him. well, he finally got it and decided that the best thing to do was go back to her now. So here's where my sanity is failing...no, I don't want him for myself, if I had, I would have taken him back. But I can't stand the thought of these two people having caused all of the pain and misery that they have caused me and my children going on to live happily ever after. More importantly, I am beyond horrified that he is letting my babies spend time with her. This stupid girl played a huge unremorseful role in helping to destroy their family...yes I absolutely get it that he was the one with the responsibility, but she knew he was married, knew I was pregnant and was too selfish to walk away when I asked her to and even continues to call me on my cell phone any time she gets mad at him. (audacity at its best!) oh yeah, most horrifying is that they both have acknowledged to me that they have been physically violent with each other in the past. then my DS (3 yrs) came home a few days ago telling me a story about how daddy was angry with her and hit her with a shoe while screaming 'give me my f-ing key' of course he denies it happened that way and according to my atty there is nothing I can do about this.
So where am I going with this long story....I am desperate and distraught right now. I am so desperate I have offered him a chance to come back and get re-married b/c I don't know what else to do to keep her away from my kids. i know it sounds crazy, but he turns into this irrational caged animal when he is with her, we fight constantly, I am holding him to the visitation agreement (previously was completely liberal with his time with the kids) so he is fighting back hard. I am a strong woman, this I have proven to myself over the last 2 years. but I really don't know how much more I can take...threatening me to sue for joint custody, screaming, yelling, throwing it in my face that she is around my kids...that is seriously the one thing I don't know how to handle. I love my babies more than everything and yet I sit here powerless to keep them away from this horrible person and horrible situation where they may be witnessing violence. I feel like I've spent the last 2 years being helpless...helpless to save the marriage, helpless to make decisions for my children b/c the law doesn't allow me to, helpless in having to sell the home I loved as part of the divorce agreement...oh yeah, and the icing on the cake is I just bought a new home myself...and then got laid off from work a week later. when will this stop? when will I start to feel like I have control? is taking him back the only way to know that my kids are ok? am I really supposed to just accept that my babies are spending time with her, they could stay together indefinitely out of mutual desperation and then she will continue to be in mine and my kids lives forever? I would love more than anything right now to believe in all of those statistics about how likely they are to fall apart, even the reality of their track record...but it feels so much like neither one of them has paid the price for their actions...life is not fair I know, but it is really starting to feel ridiculously unfair now. any insight/suggestions are welcome. I am just struggling so hard right now with whether or not I should try to convince him to come back...I just don't know how else to feel like I can really protect my children.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 9:58am

I am sorry you're going through so much. I understand your need to protect your children, but getting back together with your ex because he has chosen to maintain a relationship with an abusive woman is NOT the answer. He may be throwing it in your face that the OW is around your children, but it's obvious that the man is completely miserable. Without him, you have a chance to move on and find some peace and happiness in your life. Do you think you'd be happy back together with him? It would also be damaging to your children to have their mother chronically miserable. Plus, taking him back does not make them accountable for their actions. It only brings you years of more heartache.


I totally understand where you're coming from, but you can not give up your life, sanity, and happiness because your ex has chosen to be awful. Think about it!


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 11:32am
I totally understand what you are saying...and agree, which is why I am so conflicted about this. the biggest question for me now is then...is it really possible for me to find peace and happiness when my kids are spending time with this horrible wench? every time I think about her befriending my babies it makes me physically ill. do I have to pray that they fall apart and then this nightmare will finally end? do I just try to pretend it's not happening? how do I find any kind of peace at all knowing this person who I despise most in the world, who just walked into my life and turned it upside down can just get away with it and on top of that, have the privilege of knowing my wonderful children. it has been my babies that have given me strength and courage to keep moving forward...it is unbearable to think that on top of everything else that has happened I now have to face this horrible girl spending time with them too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 12:25pm

You certainly have a plate full.

Take a deep breath.

Remarrying your ex is just a bad idea. He still has some kind of emotional thing with the girl friend. With this other woman, he is violent. So he's either re-cultivated previous volent tendencies, or has developed then anew.

In my experience, men and women who threaten legal action will sooner or later carry through with their threat. I doubt he really wants custody -- he probably just wants to reduce his payments for child support/alimnoy. Since your son will have a sister, the courts are unlikely to seperate them, and since the sister will be so young, they will spend the majority of their time with you.

This guy sounds like a real jerk, so I'd expect that when he decides to bring suit, he'll stop paying child support/alimony as a mechanism to put pressure on you. He will do this at the behest of his lawyer. You will bring him up on contempt. Then, in front of a judge, he'll admit he's not paying because he lacks the money to make payments (and I'm sure he will fabricate whatever falsified documentation is needed to support his position). Then he'll tell the judge "as soon as I can, I will make up the payments". By doing this, he will no longer be in contempt of court. Then the issue of owed payments and future payments will be used as a negotiating tool against you.

So, things you can do -- work on restoring full employment, reduce your debt load, and re-adjust your expenses such that you can live without any child support/alimony the ex is paying you.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 12:52pm

thank you for your suggestions. he would really want custody of them, he does choose to spend as much time with them as possible. as far as the relationship with her, I will never fully understand his actions but believe strongly this time around is rooted in fear of being alone and desperation. he would rather risk being miserable with her than be alone.

I am working hard on the employment piece, terrified with every day that passes right now. but I still struggle most with this situation with my XH and OW. I almost hyperventilated at the grocery store today just thinking about her going trick or treating with my children...how in the world do I get past this? these kids are my life, they gave me strength and purpose when I don't know what else could have...so how do I find peace with knowing that after everything else this horrible girl has done she gets to spend time with my kids too? it is just more than I can bear. let alone the fear of XH and OW fighting in front of them...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 1:07pm

There are a lot of issues at work here... the greatest of which sounds like your reaction to the OW. This is something that you absolutely have to let go of, not for her, the kids, or your ex, but for yourself! I can understand what you're saying and feeling- I can see how your feelings are justified in a way, but it's destructive carrying these emotions around. Perhaps counselling could help you deal with that?

As for the abuse issue- why can't you lobby to have visitation restricted? Kids should not be around abuse and I see no reason why the courts would not agree with that. You are obligated to protect your kids from witnessing abusive situations.

On to the remarriage issue... well, you know that's just not a good idea for a number of reasons. Unless there is a resolution in the relationship, you and he have truly fallen in love with one another, re-marriage will only lead to another divorce. Offering to remarry him to keep him away from someone you don't approve of is extremely controlling no matter what the justification. You don't want to do that to yourself or the kids.

I wish you peace and balance. Find a good support system and be strong for the kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 1:48pm

I absolutely get it, I do. but how do I let it go? it's the simple black and white of eat right and exercise and you will lose weight--and yet, how hard is it really? the logic I understand, but how do I convince my heart that after everything this stupid girl has done to me she should just be allowed to live happily ever after---with my kids too?

and unfortunately, my attorney has said there really isn't much I can do about the scenario my son described---it would be dismissed as hearsay. feel like the law is really looking out for me these days!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 5:08pm

The only thing I can think of right now, is how important the stories are that we tell ourselves. If we tell ourselves positive stories, that helps our mood and promotes optimism. If we tell ourselves negative stories, then that dampens our mood and the whole world and the life before us looks pretty gloomy.

Do you know for a fact that your ex and the ow are 'living happily ever after'? From your description, I'd say not. That they are miserable says to me that they are getting 'paid back' for splitting up a family.

It sucks that the law doesn't always seem to provide justice. We can't control the courts. And so, yes, you will have to find a way to live with your current situation, and I think you can!

I don't know what to tell you regarding how to live with the idea of ow being around your kids. I imagine that your pain is very real and very deep.

Thank goodness in my situation, the new wife was never a part of or a cause of my divorce. Instead, I have uncooperative co-parents. I have been told that I cannot drive over to my ex's house to drop off my son anymore. The new wife won't have anything to do with me. My ex frequently doesn't follow the parenting plan. I get very little communication from my ex regarding my son - both because they view it as an intrusion into their relationship and also because my ex says when he talks to me, he starts to feel closer and that causes problems in his relationships with other women. It doesn't feel very good, but I've found the only way to deal with it is to let go of it.

So, I know a bit of what it is like to turn your kids over to a stranger that you don't want around your kids and you end up wondering how things are going. Is my kid alright? Are they arguing in front of him? Is he being taken care of or being ignored? In my case, these are all things that I cannot control.

Do you have a counselor or a therapist to talk to? I have found that going to a psychologist (and taking Zoloft) has helped me immensely over the past year. I wouldn't say that I was 'done' with my work, but things are not as depressing and gloomy as they were last year.

What I tell myself is that it doesn't matter too much what happens over at my ex's house. My son is with me a majority of the time and what I hope to be able to do is to raise him to be a healthy individual who can see through the bs his Dad and new step-mom spout from time to time. Not sure if I'll achieve that goal, but that's where I've set my sites: to work on the things that I *do* have control over. I decided that I just didn't want to live with the anger and anxiety anymore. I didn't want my ex to *steal away* my future, and that was what I was letting him do when I was caught up in all the drama.

((HUGS)) I know it's hard. But I truly believe that if you take the time to count the blessings you do have and make positive goals and positive stories for yourself, it'll get easier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 8:16pm

I think you hit the nail right on the head when you said "but how do I convince my heart that after everything this stupid girl has done to me she should just be allowed to live happily ever after---with my kids too?" You are choosing to be the victim in the situation.

The PPs is right, they definitely don't seem to be living happily every after. Far from it. To say that they're living happily ever after is to imply that you are not- that your at a disadvantage. You're not.

You don't seem to feel this way toward your ex- in spite of the fact that he's the one that actually broke the vows. How did you get over the resentment that came from that betrayal? The same process may help you move past your feelings toward this OW.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 8:36pm
the difference is that I feel that he is already paying for his mistakes...every night he doesn't get to tuck his kids into bed, every morning he doesn't get to kiss them...he pays every day and will continue to for the rest of his life. I don't feel that she has as at all...she just went on her merry way, a path of destruction in her wake, playing house with him..no remorse for what she has done---and now on top of everything else she gets to play house with my kids too. fundamentally it is just wrong...she can have him b/c obviously he is not worth having in my book. but my children...it has been one process to let go of my marriage, my best friend, my dreams and surrender them to her...good riddence is where I am now after much pain and soul searching. but my babies...why am I supposed to be ok with that one too? I do feel victimized...and all of these other situations that he has brought into my life in the last 2 years I have faced head on and chosen to not be the victim, to make my own choices and move one. I just don't know how to not feel victimized by this one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 7:33am

I agree with the counceling and please make sure you can get to a psychiatrist.

You sound like a pretty good candidate for antidepressants at this point in time. Please make sure you get to a good doctor in this regard. Many doctors will write a script for zoloft (or what ever) without a thorough and frank discussion of your symptoms.

Zoloft is great for some. Not so great for others. I've known too many people sho would have benefitted from antidepressants, but did not take the time to arrive at a proper selection of the kind of antidepressant. (There are a lot of them, and they are not equal, they do very different things!)

With the panic attacks you have been having, you probably want to take a look at the paxil/effexor series of SSRI's. (Have you have trouble with insomnia? Do you have trouble with obsessive/compulsive behaviour? Do you like chocolate? Has your eating habits changed ?)

Picking the proper medicine and the proper dose takes time. Once you acheive the proper balance of both the quality of your mental state improves immensely! And its not because you are high, stoned, or anything like that. Its that your brain now operates in a nominal chemical balance, so you are able to deal with stress and conflict without going into panic, or compulsions.

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