2 years on, still struggling

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
2 years on, still struggling
4
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 11:49am

hello everyone,

i'm new here and would really love to hear a sane perspective...

i got divorced 2 years ago. my husband left, i waited, devestated, and eventually filed for divorce. i finished my phd within the year and then moved halfway across the country to take an instructorship at a university and also be close to a guy i met on eharmony.com. the eharmony thing didn't work out, but i got a better full-time job close by and moved. i've dated a bit since, ...nothing serious...

during these last two years, my ex and i have cultivated a friendship, no sex is involved, we're just really good friends and have travelled lots together. it's sort of like we like each other's company very very much. in the back of my mind a flame has been burning for him ...i still want it to work out. but we haven't really talked like that, sidestepping too much intimacy in our converstations.

i talk to him about my online dating mis-adventures, just to keep those lines of communication open, and maybe also as a defense mechanism. i don't want to be burned by him again.

today he told me that he is seeing someone. i didn't pry much (and i'm really curious). he just said that it's weird, that he likes her, that he met her at a local bar, and that she doesn't understand our relationship (his and mine). i don't blame her a bit.

maybe today is the day i've been dreading deep down. the day i have to find a way to let that stupid flame die. i don't want to let him go but i do feel im suffering. i keep thinking that it's not over until it's over. is it over?

the crazy thing is he's coming here to see me in a couple of weeks for a spring break and we even have plans to travel in the summer.

i don't know what to do. do i tell him i love him, i want him and want to figure a way to make it work? or is it time to just concentrate on letting it go, somehow.

any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 12:20pm

leonalion...

First...Pianoguy would like to congratulate you on obtaining the PHD. You sound like a very smart lady?

Second...I think it's admirable that you've been able to 'maintain a friendship with your EX!' Most previously married couples aren't capable or interested in going in that direction. So you're definitely in a unique situation!

Unfortunately, you need to make an honest effort to realize that A FRIENDSHIP with an EX isn't necessarily going to become anything more than......A FRIENDSHIP!

If the EX wishes to share stories about his current g/f with you....then this should be "his call", don't you think? Asking for a brief summation of what he's doing with the new lady really isn't any of your business! You can verbally express your "words of love" (quoting Mama Cass Eliot's tune here)....but are those feelings HONEST...or ENVIOUS?

Only you know the answer to that one?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 12:35pm
Good point. On my good days I do well at both: moving on (keeping my emotional distance) AND being a good friend. It's when I'm feeling at my weakest or my neediest is when it sneaks up on me. Feelings of love lost, what-coulda-been, why-me?. The good news is that he has, as of today, verbally acknowledged that he's moved on, that he's seeing someone new. The silver lining in that slap in the face is the much needed wake-up call that I want to be heading in that direction for myself, too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2006
Sat, 03-04-2006 - 10:38pm

I'm going through the initial phase of separation and divorce. I separated and divorced 3 months ago. It seems to me that during this initial phase, many of us want to reconcile. I'm sure this is normal. But I've also noticed, through reading some posts, that some women want to reconcile after 1-3 years, secretly or unknowingly. I'm just curious... I would love to hear from other women as to why they would hold on that long to reconcile. How do they cope with the frustation, longing, or desire to reconcile?

I feel very fortunate that my ex and I want to cultivate a friendship for the sake of the children. But I don't see our friendship going as far as yours has. It takes two people who have really moved on to make a friendship like that work. Not too many ex-wives can talk about new girlfriends, new plans, and his new life without foaming at the mouth or wincing from pain of more salt thrown on a wound.

If your ex has been giving you signals that he's moving on, then that's pretty much your answer. Like most of the ladies have said on this board, this is a time to work on yourself, to let go, and to move on. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

BTW, congratulations on your Ph.D. That's a big accomplishment.

Mirra

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
Sun, 03-05-2006 - 7:43am
I am not in a position to tell anyone what to do, as I struggle with the end of my own marriage, but from my perspective it seems he stays stuck in the emotional mud of his past relationship until he finds the next Ms. Right, at which time you will be history once again. Let go, look forward and not backward. No one likes to be alone, and his relationship with you is easy for him....no strings, for sure. But, what are you getting out of it, honestly. Just my 2 cents. You cannot move on, if you cannot move on. Good luck.