28 1/2 years and anger

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
28 1/2 years and anger
5
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 8:52am
I was marrried for 28 1/2 years and just got my divorce on May 17th... HE walked out in Aug. 2006 as he could not take it anymore... I was defending our son as he was calling him names and HE said he could not take it anymore, that i was a controlling *itch, he has been unhappy for YEARS blah blabh blah... well I got the divorce papers but got stuck on some stuff and for some REASON, at the first of April, HE called to ask me how far I had gotten on the papers and HE would come and help me fill them out.. up to that time he had not been concerned about it... Come to find out he wants to move on as he has another woman... well he did not have the balls to tell me that, said cuz if he did then I would make his life hell with my mouth, that I would tell him waht a loser he was blah blah blah... well he has lied so much in the last few years that it is unreal.. and suddenly I am the one that is making HIS life hell... PLEASE... He is the one that walked out, HE is the one that gave up after 28 1/2 years.. I did ask him to go to marriage counseling with me and the only thing he could say is You know I dont beleive in that... I found out that he was flaunting his new "woman" around his family and he still does not have the balls to introduce her to our 17 year old son.. He did tell the 23 year old in March taht he was seeing her but to not tell me... JERK... I siad why would you put your son in that position that he has to keep something from me.. well I did not want ot listen to your mouth about it... He has walked out and moved on, he has washed his hands of not only me, but the kids... sure they are 17 and 23 but it still hurts them... You know, it hurts to find out that someone you THOUGHT you knew was being such a jerk and that he really does not care waht happens to us... It is all about HIM... When I found out he was living wiht her then I decided, spur of the moment, not planned out, to go visit her when he was at work.. sure enough, found his truck in front ofh er house.. there she was standing on the porch, smoking a cig, and talking on the phone.. so I got out of the car and siad Phyllis and she said yes.. I stuck my hand out and said Hi I am Larry's ex wife... you should have seen her face?? it was commical but I neeeede to see what she looked like, did he trade up, NO, and to tell her waht I thought.. I told her I did not want him back, that he was a LOSER, that I did inot wnat ot come in bwteeen this relationship, but needed to get a few facts straight.. I told her IF he tells you that he has no money and it is because of us that is not true.. The last time i got any money from him was in March and that was 80.00, he has tnot paid on the house since January, it is in foreclosure as i don't make enough to pay for it, and I hope they are HAPPPY... well I did take some of his stuff there also.. I had written some letters that were for his eyes only, years ago, and she read them.. i bet she got a jolt or two out of them... I felt tons better when I was done talking to her and told her that iwould tell him that I had been there.. Oh budddy, that did not go over very well... He was PISSSED offf... Why did you have to go there and how did you know where she lived?? well I knew where she worked and she told my frined she was like 2 seconds from her work.. well it does not atkae a rocket scientist to figure that out... went by her work and she was not there and asked how to get in this trailer court.. so the guy told me... probably not knowing I was going to confront his co worker... but it made me feel better and it is like he has not power over me now... I was imagining all kinds things and the actuallity of it was the best thing for me... It has been a nightmare... I told her that i personally thought that he thinks he is the big man on campus as he thinks he has 2 women fightong over him.. WROPNG... He does not... but he still calls and tells his cousin things, she has been my friend for over 30 years, and she tells me... I think he knows she will tell me but I don't say anytyhing to him.. I wonder why men think they NEEED someone to move on wiht and not get his life st4raightened out first?? and he says he feels like 20 again... I am soooo glad that he is feelign 20 again as I did not get any of that "20" stuff for that last few years... I know, taht is probably to much info but.... I just can't beleive that he has deserted his kids, they mean nothing to him... I can't do that to my kids but he sure did... and play the games with them... not thanks... I work with developmetnally delayed children and he was always telling me that I need a better job, that I was just basically a glorified babysitter and what does his new woman do??? She works in a cigarette shop selling cigs and alcohol... now you tell me that is a job to be proud of and makes lots of $... Bitter, you bet... JERK, no kidding... and then he has the nerve to tell me that he was going to leave about 5 years ago, we bought a 5th wheel then, and I said why didn't you?? well I don't know.. uihhh duh... no, you jerk, you know... I did not think I could hate anyone liike I hate him... I hate that he is a JERK, hate waht he has done to me, hate what he has done to the kids. I know that I need ot move on, and up to a point I have, but i think it is going to take some time for me... I hope he is happy, hahahah, and know that down the line he will pay for what he has done... when he is old and sick and the boys won't go see him, then maybe he will realize how big a mistake he made cutting them out of his life... I am glad that I found this board as you guys KNOW what I am going through... some are just starting their process and others are like me, bitter... thanks for reading this... it sure helps to get this off my chest... vickie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 5:06pm

Must be something in the water. My stbx just left me after 28 years of marriage claiming he'd been miserable for years. (which begs the question why was he so stupid as to stay in a miserable relationship all those years, lol). I'm also told I'm controlling and a *itch.

Vent away. It helps. It's only a matter of time for me. I'm sure stbx has someone else but, so far, he hasn't told family about that. Even his family would be upset if he's dating too soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 6:07pm
Why did we wait so long? Fear, children - I just want it to be over and be able to have a life. He has sucked me dry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 9:42pm
I guess, once a loser always a loser. I don't think that is saying to much for my marriage, or lack of one... I am so tired of dealing with his crap, his indiffernce to the boys, and his ME, ME, ME attitude... Just like his dad and his mom can't say or do anything right as she is just "stupid" according to them... I don't know why he can't take his responsibilities to heart and get waht he said he was going to do done... I still ahve most of his stuff here at the house and every time I have asked him to move it he comes up wiht some lame excuse why... mainly money... well don't sit in the bar, take your woman out, smoke etc... It is not because WE, YOUR EX FAMILY, is taking your money... you could care less about us... I asked him again today IF he was going to pay the payment on the 5th wheel and he got all bent and hung up on me... so I called him back and said take care of the things yOU SAID you were going to take care of.. and it is in the divorce decree that he pay the trailer.. and that was something HE agreed on... so who knows what lame excuse he is ocming up with next... I asked my 17 year old if he wnated to take one of the cards taht I amde for Fathers day, there is one he really liked, and he said no, I am not going to bother... He is not interested in me so why should I send him a card??? still has not introduced him to his girlfrined... keeps making blah blah noises about doing taht also... to tuff to get out of bed and get back to real life when she is snuggled next to you... especially for your 17 year old... I hope one day he wakes up and realizes how much he has given up and regrets it... but who knows if he will really... vickie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2007
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 12:16am

Vicki,
My heart goes out to you. I have a suggestion to help you get through all this, but it is going to seem way out there to you if you have not thought of this before... It was to me, as a matter of fact it took me a number of months to call and get help myself, but this man is being emotionally abusive and probably has been for some time, but you did not realize it because he probably blamed everything on you!

There are groups that meet and help each other get through this kind of stuff! Did you know that emotional abuse is like worse than the physical ofcourse the physical always comes with the emotional. I am personally going through the YWCA to get help! I am in group/classes there, and they are working with me to help me get out. They are very helpful in helping me understand what is really going on! If I had known that the domestic violence hotline helped people like me who were in emotionally violent / abusive homes... I would have gotten out years ago. I did not know there was help out there...

I encourage you to get a hold of them and they will help you put this all into perspective. The clue that he is an abuser is that he is blaming you and even the kids for all his problems and his choices. Abusive men are masters of confusion! They keep you thinking all the time that everything is your fault!

I encourage you to get in touch with a group that can help you heal during this difficult time. Be thankful that you are OUT! I am here biding time till something opens up!

I hope this is helpful... Zartgirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 7:21am
What he has done to my three children is criminal. The problem is it's not! They get away with not being responsible parents and the outcome is the children take on too early in life the responsibilities of adults. But 30 years ago I did not see him as a loser - he became a loser. He always drank and surrounded himself with yes men that stole him blind. I was the enemy. I feel like I have been carrying a dead weight on my back for years. My children feel that what ever the cost of this it will be money well spent if he is out of our lives. We had agreed to mutually divorce, I presented him the papers last January - by June he had done nothing and still had not gotten a job. He took off in the car with his brother who has I don't know how many DUI's and the car and insurance is in my name. The next day I filed for divorce, I was terrified if he kills someone and I lose everything I have gained on my own in the last 5 years. But now he wants that too. Your right, the punishment is going to be greater than anything we could imagine as they age.