30+ year marriage over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
30+ year marriage over?
11
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 10:56pm

After over 30 years of marriage, can it be over?? I know this is long, but so was our marriage. Bear with me, please. For 25 of those years we were what I thought of as happy. We didn't fight or even argue.I never dreamed I would be 50 and alone. Looking back I see that is because I did all the "giving" and he did all the "taking". Married at 18 (both of us) H became disabled with a back injury at age 24. I have always worked, he hasn't had a job in 26 years. Money was not an issue. We were married for better or worse, in sickness and in health. I took care of everything. We had one young son when he got hurt. He did very little with his son-never went to ballgames or school functions. I was tired a lot, and sick a lot from being exhaused.

After our son was grown and on his own, H insisted we move to his family farm, in a mobile home we set up. His 7 siblings decided that was a problem when Mom got Alzheimers. They took over, we got kicked out with restraining order not to have contact with Mom. And our marriage started to change. H go angrier and angrier, I got God. He proceeded to take his anger out of me. Never physically abusive, but verbally and emotionally very mean. I kept loving him, "walking on eggshells" and trying not to upset him.

For example we both got colds 2 yrs ago. Mine went into pneumonia, he got better. After a week in bed and 3 trips to the dr. I started feeling a little better. He never took me to the dr ( a friend did) and never came into the bedroom to check on me. When I started feeling better he was mad because I gave him a cold. For 7 years we lived with a single woman friend in a nearby town, at her suggestion. He assured me when we moved in there that it was temporary & he would find us a place to live.

Last June 4 when I told him I was going to granddaughters ballgame, he proceeded to yell at me about spending all my time taking care of other people and going to church. I have taken care of him for 25 years!! I do go to church on Sunday morning. He also informed me that this marriage had been over at least 7 years, I just didn't want to admit it. I was absolutely shocked.

As that week proceeded he stayed in bed when I was home and up. When I went to bed he would get up and stomp around slamming doors and cabinets, cussing and ranting. If I came out of my room he stomped into his room and slammed the door. If I asked what was wrong I was told to get out of his face, in very loud vulgar terms. So I found a place to move to, with my dog. I spent a month packing stuff, and he never once asked what I was doing, or where I was going. I moved out in 30 minutes on July 28 when he was not there. He was shocked! I moved out!

NOW - he says he doesn't know me or what I want. I want peace in my own home. He tells me he was in a bad mood during that time because he had a toothache. I don't want to live in a house were I have to worry about the cops showing up with a search warrant. I don't want my hard earned money used for illegal substances. He doesn't think that's a problem. But he doesn't have an answer for what our problems are. He is still living with this friend. But he calls me for $$ and food. Which I keep providing.

It took us 30 years to get to this point, I am not in a hurry to file for divorce. Sometimes I see changes for the better in him, then he backslides big time. 2 days ago he called me, at work, and proceeded to yell and cuss at me to bring him cigarettes when I got off work. I hung up on him. When I went by there to take the cigarettes and some cash ( I figured he was broke) he didn't even acknowledge me. Who's the sick one here??

I don't want to give up on him, or us. I do ok living alone most of the time. The first few months were really rough. I cried so much my skin on my face hurt. But I finally figured out that Got will take care of me. God wants us to live in harmony. The Bible says, if an unbeliever leaves the marriage, let him go. While I physically left, I believe H emotionally left the marriage several years ago.

How long do I wait for a change to occur, with God's help? It's been over 9 months, and nothing has really changed for H. He still has it all. I did not take anything that I thought he needed, nor anything I new he really liked, even though I paid for it all over the years. Neither of us is interested in seeing anyone else at this point. I've asked 3 times if he wants D, and he says he doesn't want us to wind up enemies. Says he's always loved me, and always will. Thinks we should wait. What am I waiting for? But, as another iVillage board said, drugs are the worst mistress of all cause you can't fight back.

Is the fear of being alone and the unknown enough to wait for H to change? I know God will take care of my needs, not my greeds. But that doesn't make the evenings any less lonely.

HELP

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 11:17pm
Hi, we are close to the same age and some of your life sounds like mine. I was with my last H for 17 yrs. I walked outside and saw him kissing his ex wife. She could provide him with something I would never do. Drugs. It sounds like your husband is suffering from Bi-Polar. If he will not get help, please just forget about it and move on. It is a living hell. Mood swings, cussing, drugs, violent behavior, name calling, putting them selves before anyone, blame, expecting everything to be handed over to them. Sound familar?
It sounds like he needs to be seen by a mental health counselor. You can call them. They are there to help. Sometimes they will do a home visit. At first. If he does not want the help there is nothing you can do. It sounds like he would rather self medicate.
My H died before we could split up.
Him getting out of my life was the first peace I had in so long I can't remember. Our marriage was over years before. Neither he or I wanted to admit it. I should probably send his ex a Thank you note.
You would do yourself a favor by not supporting his habits. You are under no obligation. If you can give a mental health org. a call they will be good for you to talk to. You would be amazed how much it helps. As they say "Been there, done that." Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 11:42pm
Thanks for responding. H dr. & I have both suggested medication for the mood swings and depression, a part of chronic acute pain. H refuses. Says its "poison"...like the "self medicating" isn't. Funny thing is I never thought about calling for help for myself! I don't miss the "roller coaster" - I just miss the good times. And there were a lot over the years. I do feel obligated, because I have been for so long. A friend told me I was "conditioned" to servitude!! I can't hardly sit long enough to watch a sitcom! And H knows just what buttons to push. He called and asked me to be a good Christian and bring him some groceries. Maybe it's time to take back my buttons! If I could just figure out how to do that. Does time cure all, with God's help?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 6:12am

Hi, I'm 47 and divorcing after 28 years. Some of what you've written hits home. Particularly the self centeredness.

My stbx wouldn't think of taking me to a doctor if I were sick but he expected to be babied, and got mad if I didn't, when he was sick.

Looking back, I stopped playing games about 6 years ago when demands of my kids and my aging parents pulled me in too many directions. Our marriage fell apart after that. It would have taken work on HIS part to have saved it and that was never going to happen.

My stbx is a functional alcoholic. He says moving out and getting rid of me cured him and he no longer needs to drink. Um, yeah, lol. More like he has no choice but to clean up his act now that we're in a bitter custody battle for kids he didn't take much interest in until child support was on the line. NOW he's ENTITLED to share equally the kids he's ignored for years.

STBX isn't diagnosed as bi-polar but sometimes I wonder. If he is, it's a mild case and probably won't ever be diagnosed because he's not the type of person to ever seek help for HIS problems anyway, lol. He did seek counseling because I was making him depressed several years ago only to quit when the counselor told him "Your only problem is you are an alcoholic". He also drageed me into marriage counseling a couple of years back with the intent of having me told to straighten up my act only to have his drinking and selish behaviors be the main topic of discussion.

I can't say I worked at our marriage though. His biggest complaints about me are that I'm messy (and I am) and never in the mood. What I am is an exhausted working mom. I do what I have to and then collapse at the end of the day. It doesn't help that I'm hypothyroid and put on a lot of weight before I was diagnosed and have continued a slow weight gain even on meds. (Though this divorce, as promised by my lawyer, is proving to be the best diet I've ever been on. I'm hoping to hit the 20 pound mark this week. :o)) However, he is not capapble of seeing that I'm just tired and trying to help with that. I've come to the conclusion that it's beyond him to actually care about another human being. It's all about what HE can get out of a relationship.

For years, what he's gotten out of this one is my income, which is about $30K higher than his but that was about to change. I was supposed to take my last class towards my master of arts in teaching this fall and then quit my job to student teach and find a job as a teacher. I expected to cut my pay in half when I did that. So, there now is nothing in this relationship for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 7:43pm

I know what you mean about being exhaused. My hypothyroidism went undiagnosed for years also. As I gained weight, H thought I needed more exercise, and I'd feel and look better. Like he ever exercised! Serveral months and a lot of pounds after gall bladder surgery, I got medication for thyroid. But the weight didn't come off. When I moved out last July I lost 20 lbs. by November. Didn't gain any over the winter. Back to losing, slowly, now. Feel better, too. Not so tired. I think a lot of it is stress related. I don't eat a lot, and don't eat junk food. My degenerating disks prevent a lot of exercise, but I am doing more. Having my own place has inspired me to be neater and I've been painting and sewing for my new home.

Had H cut my wedding ring off today. Have not had it off in over 32 years. Feels weird. He thinks I should get it resized so I can wear it. HA! WHY? Didn't bother him a bit that I stood there crying while he did it. He did ask if he was cutting me - I told him it couldn't hurt any more that it already has. I wasn't talking about the ring. It doesn't seem to bother him at all if I cry. Yet I am supposed to jump every time he calls.

Perhaps it's easier to have kids. At least you know you're doing what's best for them. And you have a reason to go on trying to make a better life. I sit here alone night after night, weekend after weekend. I don't drink, and have discovered I really don't have very many friends. It's easy to slip into pity mode, and I work hard at not going there.

If I could get angry with him it would probably be easier, too. But I know there is a good man in there somewhere, if H hasn't killed him off with self medicating. I've spent so many years loving him, I don't know how to do anything different. Yes, I feel used and abused. Yes, I've helped other women out of this same situation. But it wasn't supposed to happen to me...

I will be calling some mental health agencies next week for help. I know I am co-dependent, but can't seem to move on. God has eased a lot of my pain, and has provided for my basic needs. Perhaps I'm not praying for the right thing...God's will be done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 8:16pm
Being alone is sometimes a relief. Right now my youngest son lives with me. I can not wait till he moves out. He can be a pain in the you know what.
I feel bad for you. Thing do get better. Like my Mom used to say "Time wounds all heals." You will be fine. I am just glad it is nice outside. I feel like I've been cooped up for forever. My car has been broke since Jan. so I must walk to do anything. It is very healing. I used to walk all the time. My Dr. said I would be in a wheelchair by the time I was 35. That was twenty years ago. I am still walking. I do not plan on ever being in that position. The pain does go away. Alot of it has to do with your attitude. I always tried to be happy around my ex. It drove him crazy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2007
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 11:54pm
You are not alone. Mine lasted 27 years and he kicked me out. Saying he wanted his space and that I never contributed anything to the relationship. I did everything his way for so long I forgot who I was. It will take time to heal and be strong and find my true self, but I am up for the challenge to be "HAPPY". Hang in there and please know you are not alone......
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 12:49am

After 9 months, I have found that MOST of the time I like being alone. I started a new job in March, so have some new acquaintences. I go to a very small church, but have no close friends there, either. I miss conversation with someone who I've known a long time. In looking back, I see H got me to abandon my previous friends as they weren't his type of friends. That was over 30 years ago, so have really lost touch with all of them. Most of "our" friends were guys, who either think I have done a terrible thing in leaving him, or think I did the right thing, but won't talk to me much because they don't want to upset him. Two women I thought were my friends for 20+ years check on H regularly, but have yet to call and see if I am ok. You really do find out who your friends are.

I think H is waiting for me to invite him to move into my new home. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. When he visited once I had to tell him that in MY house there are a few rules - the toilet ring is DOWN, and there's no yelling or door slamming.

I slept most of the afternoon today. Just could not get motivated to do anything. I think part of it is hormonal, but I will survive menopause. My marriage may not, but I will.

Everybody says it gets easier as time passes, and I am better now than I was last fall. It is nice to know I'm not really alone. I know a lot of people that are divorced, but none that divorced after 30 years or so. As I told one old friend I am in contact with, when I am on my deathbed I want to look up and see that I mattered to somebody.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 4:51am

I did things his way too. I catch myself doing things his way or thinking about myself as he does all the time.

For example, with my busy schedule, it's best for me to clean what I can when I can and not worry about whether or not I have time to finish the job. I would get more grief from stbx if I started a job and didn't finish than I would if I never started it. I catch myself all the time thinking "I don't have time to finish so I won't start" then realize that he's not here so it doesn't matter that I cleaned only two shelves in the refrigerator and do the others another time.

According to stbx, the failure of our marriage is 100% my fault. He bears no blame. In fact, he's a saint for staying with me for so long when I was making him so miserable.

I'm up for happiness too but I'm really struggling with visitation and my kids being gone so much. They're at an age where they want to play with their friends most of the time anyway and now they're not even here half the time. That part sucks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 11:36am

I am dealing with one like yours, but mine has good income from a veterans pension, I am the one without much money. He is just as mean, probably worse, and lazy too. I am working on setting myself up to get out of here. I have been back to work for a year and a half, after taking care of house and home for 20 years. I was the disabled one. Lost my disability, which was bad because I really am disabled with a chronic health problem, but it was really a blessing in disguise, because I did find a job I can do most of the time, and I was able to see that there may be a way out of all of this.

The drug thing is scary, and I know about that one too. All I can say is that if you can get to a counselor, please do. You need to quit seeing and helping him, especially since you can take care of yourself and you need to leave him to his own devices. He will do ok. Those types will always find some other sucker to help. I am realizing that I was the sucker for so long. I am not willing to be it anymore. Please know that you are worth more than that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2007
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 1:19pm
Something my 18 year old son said to me... "I wish you would have left him a long time ago and you could have been happier longer." "I like you so much better without him" and he told me the only reason he was distant and kept himself so busy was to stay away from both of us and not have to be a part of it all. He said he missed me but could not deal with my frustration. So be patient the kids feel the frustration and only stay busy to stay away from the situation, not you. Now that my son is 18 he has choices and he lives with me, can't stand living with his dad although he did try for awhile and moved in with me.He has contact with his dad but prefers to live with me because he sees where the frustration lies now.

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