30+ year marriage over?
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| Fri, 05-18-2007 - 10:56pm |
After over 30 years of marriage, can it be over?? I know this is long, but so was our marriage. Bear with me, please. For 25 of those years we were what I thought of as happy. We didn't fight or even argue.I never dreamed I would be 50 and alone. Looking back I see that is because I did all the "giving" and he did all the "taking". Married at 18 (both of us) H became disabled with a back injury at age 24. I have always worked, he hasn't had a job in 26 years. Money was not an issue. We were married for better or worse, in sickness and in health. I took care of everything. We had one young son when he got hurt. He did very little with his son-never went to ballgames or school functions. I was tired a lot, and sick a lot from being exhaused.
After our son was grown and on his own, H insisted we move to his family farm, in a mobile home we set up. His 7 siblings decided that was a problem when Mom got Alzheimers. They took over, we got kicked out with restraining order not to have contact with Mom. And our marriage started to change. H go angrier and angrier, I got God. He proceeded to take his anger out of me. Never physically abusive, but verbally and emotionally very mean. I kept loving him, "walking on eggshells" and trying not to upset him.
For example we both got colds 2 yrs ago. Mine went into pneumonia, he got better. After a week in bed and 3 trips to the dr. I started feeling a little better. He never took me to the dr ( a friend did) and never came into the bedroom to check on me. When I started feeling better he was mad because I gave him a cold. For 7 years we lived with a single woman friend in a nearby town, at her suggestion. He assured me when we moved in there that it was temporary & he would find us a place to live.
Last June 4 when I told him I was going to granddaughters ballgame, he proceeded to yell at me about spending all my time taking care of other people and going to church. I have taken care of him for 25 years!! I do go to church on Sunday morning. He also informed me that this marriage had been over at least 7 years, I just didn't want to admit it. I was absolutely shocked.
As that week proceeded he stayed in bed when I was home and up. When I went to bed he would get up and stomp around slamming doors and cabinets, cussing and ranting. If I came out of my room he stomped into his room and slammed the door. If I asked what was wrong I was told to get out of his face, in very loud vulgar terms. So I found a place to move to, with my dog. I spent a month packing stuff, and he never once asked what I was doing, or where I was going. I moved out in 30 minutes on July 28 when he was not there. He was shocked! I moved out!
NOW - he says he doesn't know me or what I want. I want peace in my own home. He tells me he was in a bad mood during that time because he had a toothache. I don't want to live in a house were I have to worry about the cops showing up with a search warrant. I don't want my hard earned money used for illegal substances. He doesn't think that's a problem. But he doesn't have an answer for what our problems are. He is still living with this friend. But he calls me for $$ and food. Which I keep providing.
It took us 30 years to get to this point, I am not in a hurry to file for divorce. Sometimes I see changes for the better in him, then he backslides big time. 2 days ago he called me, at work, and proceeded to yell and cuss at me to bring him cigarettes when I got off work. I hung up on him. When I went by there to take the cigarettes and some cash ( I figured he was broke) he didn't even acknowledge me. Who's the sick one here??
I don't want to give up on him, or us. I do ok living alone most of the time. The first few months were really rough. I cried so much my skin on my face hurt. But I finally figured out that Got will take care of me. God wants us to live in harmony. The Bible says, if an unbeliever leaves the marriage, let him go. While I physically left, I believe H emotionally left the marriage several years ago.
How long do I wait for a change to occur, with God's help? It's been over 9 months, and nothing has really changed for H. He still has it all. I did not take anything that I thought he needed, nor anything I new he really liked, even though I paid for it all over the years. Neither of us is interested in seeing anyone else at this point. I've asked 3 times if he wants D, and he says he doesn't want us to wind up enemies. Says he's always loved me, and always will. Thinks we should wait. What am I waiting for? But, as another iVillage board said, drugs are the worst mistress of all cause you can't fight back.
Is the fear of being alone and the unknown enough to wait for H to change? I know God will take care of my needs, not my greeds. But that doesn't make the evenings any less lonely.
HELP

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Soemtimes our kids are smarter than we are. My 30 yr. old son is much the same way as your 18 yr. old. I didn't tell him before I moved out. He is married with 2 kids. He was surprised that I finally did it, but not surprised that I was the one to do it. I know that sounds wierd, but as son said, neither of us had been happy for a long time, I was the one with enough balls to change the situation. He's still hoping his dad will wake up to reality and deal with life changes. He remembers the years we were happy, but also sees that we were happy because I did everything his dads way. He's tried talking to his dad, and of course hears that it's my fault things changed. Son told Dad life is about changes, the idea is to change together, heading the same direction. Told his dad this is 2007, not 1977. Wow.
Of course now H is trying to be super dad and super grandpa. He doesn't put me down to them, but does things with them I cannot do because I work during the week. Thats ok though, because his own son says the bubble will burst and it won't last. Let the kids enjoy grandpa while they can.
As for taking care of myself, I can. I've never been without a job very long. It must be hard for SAHM to have to get into the work force after 15-20 years. They should be grateful they had those years at home. I never got to hear that first burst of excitement when my son came home from school. But I never missed a music or art show, a parent teacher conference, open house, carnival, or any kind of ballgame that was after school. I did manage to take b'day treats those first few years of school, too. Sone & I went fishing, hiking, etc. I just dawned on him this spring that I never caught a fish in all the years I took him fishing! He'd bring home a stringer full, and I taught him to clean them. To this day I've never caught a fish - but love to sit on the creek bank.
H says he is trying to change, so I feel obligated to hang in there. I do see some changes for the better, abliet little ones. But he know I absolutely will no longer tolerate some of his habits - and that's the one he struggles with the most. He doesn't see his habits as a problem in our marriage. And he cannot or will not let go of his anger toward his family. He cannot understand forgiveness, even though he's been forgiven a lot of things by me.
I am trying to do less for him so he has to stand on his own. But I will not let him go hungry, or be without necessities. I only give him cash if he comes and fixes something for me. I've seen women struggle financially after a breakup, and really don't want to do that to him, though I also won't support his habit. It's so confusing...
I pray for change, and the courage to move on if it is meant to be. So far, God has taken care of me when I truly hand my problem over to him. My problem is I want to fix it myself. I have a hard time giving it ALL up to God. I pray for him to touch my H in a way he will understand, but I don't think H is ready to listen. He too wants to be in control. We all know God has ultimate control, not little ol' me. I'm learning from my lessons, and don't cry nearly as much as I used to. The tears are now included with prayers for God to show me the way. And I'm trying to be patient and wait upon the Lord.
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