4 1/2 yr old being let down with ???'s
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| Thu, 03-03-2005 - 5:01pm |
It is me again little refresher about me : STBX had baby with his sister's SIL and our daughter calls this SIL "Aunt" but my daughter doesn't understand how "Aunt" can have her sister.
We have already been to FOC and have custody/parenting time all worked out. He gets paid under the table and he bounces from one sisters house to another and this girl with the new baby follows too.
He is behind $983.86 in child support as of today. He drives a new 2004 chevy pick up, has money to run back and forth and hour away I cant I don't have money for gas with the prices now a days.
He is to get our daughter M & TH 5 p.m. to 8:30p.m. However he travels to our same town to stay with one sister and watches his other kid but when he is supposed to come get our daughter "I have to work late" but yet you were just here all week and you have to work late but you aren't paying for our daughter.
I tell my daughter on M and TH mornings "Honey mom will see you tonight after Judge Joe Brown (because she understands that he is on at nighttime close to when she has to take a bath) cuz your daddy is picking you up today." She gets all excited. Then he calls today and says "I am workjing late I can't come today". I just want to cry.
Cry - why? Don't I want to be with my daughter - hell yes!!! But why isn't our daughter important enough. She is beautiful and she looks just like him and adores him. Who wouldn't walk through fire to see their child even if it was only for 3 hours. I sure as hell would.
I know I know people say it is his loss but I can see the loss in her eyes. She loves him and I know it so how do I say it is going to be ok when I know it won't.
I wish he would sign off but I know my daughter needs her dad that is when he wants to be her dad. He was the one crying at the FOC "I just wnat to see my daughter. I will do anything to see my daughter." Yeah right you da*# &%@!ing LIAR!!!!
grrrrrr
FEliciaRG

Felicia,
I totally hear you! Even though my ex makes sure to get here, my 4 year old does not understand why I can't love him, she does. I don't want to give her details about his drug abuse but it is so painful to try to come up with excuses and reasons. Good luck.
Tricia
do yourself a big favor and NEVER pass on ANY messages from your STBX to your dd. i made that mistake once or twice and stopped very quickly. and if your dd asks YOU "why can't i see daddy " etc - make sure (without getting nasty) that she understands tht its *daddy's* responsibility to pick her up on M and Th. and that everyone has to do their own responsibility or else our lives will be messed up (i remember explaining in a way that he might understand: what would happen if all the teachers wouldn't go to school one day because they decided to clean the streets, and al the doctors woldn't go to their clinics because they decided to do someone ellse's job etc). when your STBX calls to tell you anything about missing his time with his child - simply hand the phone to DD and let him tell her. tell him: "I am not passing on any messages from you". because - if YOU pass on the messages - YOU will be the bad guy.
i am truly sorry for this - it stinks. my DS's father has not seen him (or paid child support) since my son was about 5. he sees him maybe once in two years - if they happen to be at the same family occassion at the same time.
I completely understand this situation.
My XH has done this OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. I have a 6 year old and a 1 year old. My 1 year old doesn't understand, although because of the inconsistencies in his visits with them, she cries when I hand her to XH to go with him for the weekend. She reaches for me and doesn't want to go. My 6 year old has just started to "get it". My XH doesn't want the children anymore than every other weekend. Even that was a struggle to get from him until August 04. ( he left a year before that ) I ask if he wants to be involved with things like school functions or my daughters surgery and he says no. Well. I tried and tried for SO LONG to MAKE HIM want to see the kids. Whatever his reasoning is, he still doesn't. He blames everything but him for that decision. My 6 year old asked me one day, Why can't I see Daddy Allyn more?, I said, well I don't know sweetie, you should ask him.
There are some things that we can answer on our own, but things like this should be directed to him. The cancellations are so tough. My 6 year old used to look forward to seeing his father, asked me everyday, I would always say what my XH told me, oh honey he will be here on X day at X time... and when he wouldn't show. I would have to get the questions and I would have to try to explain in 6 year old terms why he didn't show. So, one day I just stopped talking about my XH to my son all together. I stopped telling him ahead of time that he was going to daddy's house or daddy was coming. In fact I don't mention it unless I get written confirmation ( email ) from him saying he will be there at X time. I don't even get this usually until the day of, but still. My son never hears a word about it unless I know for sure and I have learned to tell the difference between truth and not. It really is important for your child to not feel negative towards the non-custodial parent. So cancellations, although they effect the child most, it is important to NOT tell your child until he is literally on the doorstep. In fact, let it be a surprise!
Now my son doesn't ask. He doesn't ask to see Allyn and doesn't ask to call Allyn anymore. I have a SO that my kids call Daddy. Right or wrong, they respect my SO more than their own father. Mostly because of the disappointment they have... atleast that my son has. My son still loves his father, but would prefer to spend time with us. He misses us all living togehter and sometimes he says things like he misses daddy allyn. It is VERY rare.... but I always say, Im sorry sweetie, would you like to call him? and now my son says no.
It's hard, but handeling it positively is always the best choice. Will your child get upset, yes, will it be hard, yes, but it does get easier and your child will soon realize what has happened. Just try to keep positive and put as much responsibility on your X as possible.
I hope this helps, know that your not alone and let us know if you need anything.
Hugs,
Angelena