5 months...I still cant let it go
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5 months...I still cant let it go
| Sun, 12-03-2006 - 9:41pm |
I dont know what to do. I wrote here a couple months ago and didnt get much help...so I'm giving it another try. My husband and I have been seperated for 5 months now, have 2 kids. I dont want to get into nine million details like I did before, but I'll sum it up. He is not letting go of the past. Although I have changed so many little things (most were forced when I had to take everything over financially) he is so skeptical of me. When Im being nice, when I am happy etc...he always thinks theres a reason. I dont understand why all this time can go by and I still want to be with him. He still thinks everything will go back to how it was. I have dated a guy here or there, but compare them to him. I like the newness that comes with someone new, but I miss everything about my husband. Even things I thought got under my skin, I would be willing to deal with just so that we could work things out. Im stronger than this...why is my love for him making me so weak? My kids bring it up all the time ("I think daddy has a girlfriend", "why doesnt daddy love you?" "he likes it better at his parents?" "Can he sleep here for Christmas?")...everything they say is him him him and I understand why, but that is what keeps him in my head all day everyday. I cant help but dwell on the questions they ask. I think I see him too much to truly let go too. I was home by myself for thanksgiving and a complete mess to make sure i didnt give in and eat at his parents. I want my husband back, I want our family back. What can I do to let go of this? He said he always thinks I have finally moved past things and then he realizes I didnt. That I am confusing him. I think I have been very upfront with what I want...to slowly build things back. I think he is enjoying the single life way too much to attempt. I dont know. He says he still has feelings, love and sexually...which Im sure is normal. Thats what keeps my hope, but he says he doesnt want it to lead me on. I guess that shoudl be enough, but everythings contradictory. right down to our wedding pics still all around his parents house, his mom saying "do you want to talk to your husband?" when I called there to speak with his dad about something. I dont even know what I am asking for...just advice.

I'm not sure I have any advice, but I didn't want your post to go unanswered.
I guess it's hard for me to comment much not knowing the details. I gather that he left you? If that is the case, judging by what you've said, it sounds like he is being really manipulative. It sounds like he doesn't want to be with you, but he doesn't want you to let him go either. That's my read from the "I love you, but I don't want you to take it the wrong way" conversation. I'm thinking, "If you don't want me to take it the wrong way, then why say it at all"?
I don't know. Just the tone of your post and your confusion it sounds to me like your'e being manipulated. Perhaps I'm reading it all wrong, if I am I apologize.
Edited 12/4/2006 12:16 am ET by harponi98
Hugs, Brenda
I know how hard it can be to let go. My xhusband of 16 yrs has been gone for a year now,it was his choice to leave. I still love, I think I will always love him, but I need to learn to at least put my feelings for him aside. I can't keep thinking he is going to come back. Sometimes, I dislike him so much for what he has done to the kids and I, just walking out like that. Then again, I can't stop thinking about him. Like you, my heart goes weak when I talk to him on the phone or see him, when he comes over to see the kids.
He does give me mixed signals, maybe because he has no one at this moment. Its like he wants to keep me on the top shelf waiting for him. I need to be strong, I won't let him take advantage of my feelings like that.
When you start thinking about him, just remember the wrong he has done. You deserve better than that. Someone who will love you, for you, uncontidionally.
Show him you can be happy with or without him. I know it will be hard at times, but you will make. I think if your love was meant to be, it will find its way back.
Let this be a time to find out what you want. What you didn't like in this marriage. What you deserve.
If you want to talk more, I can give you my email address.
You have made it this far, keep going, it will get easier, believe me.
Hi Harponi,
Your pain is still very fresh so it's no surprise you want to move on from it and put it behind you. Divorce doesn't work like that. It's not one painful step; it's many painful steps. So my first advice is to grieve your situation and try not to go around the grief. I understand your husband's on again-o9ff again act is not helping.
Your husband is doing two things. First, he's making you out to be the villan to justify he decision to leave. If he
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
I know EXACTLY how you feel!!!My husband of 13 years left me a month ago for an older woman who lives right around the corner. He called the other night when he was served with papers for MY HELP in filling them out!!! Then he proceeded to say he had second thoughts and if the door is still open. He went on to say how much more he cared for me then her and how he still dreams and fantasizes about me. He told me he didnt leave me b/c he doesnt find me attractive. He said that is not the case at all and proceeded to tell me how gorgeous and sexy (for 4 insane hours) I am but that he doesnt love me but cares about me deeply. All I could keep saying was that I never wanted a divorce and "why are you telling me this"? since he chose to leave me for her. Next day he acts like nothing happened and he didnt say those things. I said after the divorce goes through its final and he was ok with that but he didnt want to say it was final. He told me that he knew that if he came over that night I wouldnt refuse him b/c he is such a stud. Next day he told our 8 yr old that his "friend" is actually his gf. Apparently all of the times he had my daughter have been spent with his gf and her kids. This after a month and they are flaunting it in front of her. Kissing and hugging in front of her. He tells my daughter to lie to me b/c I will scream at her!!! I would never but I want to scream at him. I am so crushed. I always blamed myself and believed his lies. I always wanted things to work as screwed up as they were. He still tried to lie about the affair after I saw his car there numerous times. Even after I caught him with the millions of phone calls that showed up on the statement for the weeks leading up to his leaving. I wanted to believe that she was just a friend. I wanted to believe his reason for leaving, he needed time and space. Its been a month and every time he has my daughter I fall to pieces. Knowing that my daughter is with this other woman and her family w/in walking distance and I cant be with her. I thought he would be more discreet to save my daughter's feelings but he only cares about himself. 15 years together just gone and he is a complete stanger to me now. Completely different personality. New car, new clothes, new haircut, wearing cologne, buying her flowers with my bank account. The warning signs were there but I didnt want to believe. I still thought we would get back together. He said he isnt making any promises.
Sorry to blab on about my story but I hope you were able to find common ground and realize there are so many of us who feel the same way. We want to keep our marriages and family together more than anything. Especially with the holidays coming up it will be so hard. I dont think men like ours are really sincere. I think they like to keep things open so in case things dont work out "in the field" they know they can come back. I feel so manipulated and used as I am sure you do. We are being played with. I will never take him back now. I just cant wait til the divorce is over. We need to be strong and protect ourselves and our kids and not let ourselves be manipulated. If they cared so much they wouldnt have left in the first place. They wouldnt be doing this. I realize my husband is a sick man and needs help but I will never forgive the hurt and permanent scar this will leave me with forever. He questioned why I was "being so nice" too and couldnt understand why I wanted to be around him. Its because I loved him. It is hard, I know, but we have to come to terms that they wont change, they wont come back, they wont love us they way we love them. We will always miss the things we had with our husbands, all the memories. Its normal to feel those things but we have to remember that they left us!!! Dont keep waiting because you will just keep getting hurt.
I hope this helps. You can email me too if you'd like. Just let me know :)
I totally know how you are feeling. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. My husband up and left one day, with no real reason, just the whole "I don't want to be married anymore" I was completely ruined, I sat at home, literally staring at the wall for a week. Every time I opened my eyes, there came the tears! Luckily for me, I found out shortly after, that he had a girlfriend. Then I realized, no matter how much I loved him, he wasn't worth the pain he was causing me. As much as I loved him and as much as it hurt, HE left. For me, it doesn't matter the reason. As great as I thought our marraige was, he still wanted out. It takes a lot of nerve, and thought (remember that, he didn't just decide to leave over night) to leave your whole world behind. There must be some pretty good reasons or he wouldn't have left.
Stay strong and don't let him play games. Its pretty simple, either he wants it to work or he doesn't. Its not right for him to just keep you hanging around.