Is 50/50 custody harmful to a child?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Is 50/50 custody harmful to a child?
8
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 9:56am

I am full of questions today! My ex & I have been sharing 50/50 custody of our 2 year old, but I was wondering if that is harmful when they get a little older? It just seems to me that a child wouldn't have a sense of "stability" not having a primary HOME- but rather having 2 homes that are shared equally. He has told me (well, threatened actually) that if I want to pursue having majority custody, he would fight me for the majority. Our lawyer told us that 50/50 is ok for small children, but once they get a little older (like Kindergarden age) it's not such a good idea anymore. Well my ex disagrees with this and wants to do 50/50 forever- or until she voices that she wants to be with one of us most of the time. What do you think?

Lainie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 10:29am

I suggest a book entitled "Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce Or Separation" by Jann Blackstone-Ford, Sharyl Jupe.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 1:48pm
Lainie, I recommend a book called: "Mom's House, Dad's House" by Isolina Ricci, PhD
It explains 50/50 custody aggrement very well. We have a 50/50 aggreement and my boys seems to be doing quite well. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 3:31pm
Hi, I'm a newbie but I do have almost six years experience with 50/50 shared custody--my boys are now 13 and 8.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 12:12pm

My experience is that it is TERRIBLE. I am not yet divorced (separated 15 months), but was married for 10 years to a man who had a daughter prior to our marriage, who was with him(us) about 50/50.... it was actually a bit more in our favor, probably a 60/40, but in theory it was 50/50. She spent the school week at two different homes, constantly was bouncing between morals and house rules... science book and left soccer cleat was ALWAYS in the WRONG house... it was disorderly all the time. When I decided to leave my marriage, it was most important to me that MY children do NOT live like this. They do EOW and a dinner visit every Wed evening. They know where HOME is. I really think that if we were able to parent together, we would have stayed together. My reason for leaving the marriage was disapproval of his morals, choices, etc. I don't want that on my children any more than it had to be. Now, maybe, if you live 2 miles apart, and can swing by to pick up forgotten homework or sports equiptment, and get along, and are on the same maturity/parenting wave-length, it would work... but I thought it sucked with my SDD, and WILL NOT do it to my children. They will ALWAYS sleep home on school nights, the flute will NEVER go to his house, etc. I have to keep control of the things that require RESPONSIBILITY.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 12:31pm

Mostly is depends on how committed you and your EX are to making it work.... and to be accommodating to each other and the child(ren).


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 12:35pm

That is why one custody arrangement does not work for all, some parents are on the same parenting wave length and some are not, some parents are responsible and some are not, some parents live near each other and can co-parent well some cannot, some parents can support the relationship with their child's other parent and some cannot.


I will admit that my ex and I are both reasonable and generally agree on most major parenting issues (school, healthcare, etc) and

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 12:42pm
You are definitely right... in the case of my Ex and his ex before me... that kid was WAY better off with him(us) than her... Mother should not always be the default custodial parent... my BF has custody of his 2 yo... sometimes mothers walk from their responsibility too.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 4:20pm

Our kids are DD 7 and DS 20 months.

50/50 has worked great for us over the past 6 months because we are generally on the same parenting wavelength; we live less than one mile apart; we sort of work opposite shifts and provide childcare for each other; and both sets of grandparents have continued to be extremely supportive.

STBX and I both attend our DDs school meetings, soccer games, and other events. We split the holidays and did not celebrate them together.

Our life really isn't much more complicated now than it was when we were living together. We always had to be pretty organized as far as coordinating schedules, etc. We do have duplicates of many of the kids things so that we don't have to pass too much back and forth. I don't think our kids feel like they are being uprooted all the time. In fact, the holidays were the first time things seemed much different to them.