6 year old DD is taking advantage of me

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
6 year old DD is taking advantage of me
8
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 4:12pm

My six year old DD has really been testing me the past

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 4:27pm

I haven't gone through this yet, but I have done a lot of "what if" thinking and research.


I have a 6 year old and a 19 month old. My 6 year old first started going over to "OW's" house about 1 year and a half ago. He would come home and tell me all sorts of things, A played with me and A bought me this and that. Well... I just said, that's nice. As hard as I was biting my tongue and as much as it hurt..... I said, that's nice honey.


The thing is, almost 2 years later, my son LOVES me. He knows his father's house is playtime but doesn't ask to go anymore. My son tells me he misses me and my daughter, well she is 19 months old and doesn't even want to go with "daddy".

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 6:38pm

One possibility is that she is feeling confused. Confused about the role E is going to play in her life, and what she needs is reassurance from you. If she says "I wish I lived with E" again, stop what you are doing, get down on her level and look her straight in the eye's and say, "Honey, I love you and I will always be your mom and I will always be here, and you will always have me and your dad in your life, no matter who you are living with at the moment."

There have been exactly two times that my dd just couldn't handle/process what she was feeling. She would scream that she wanted her dad and she didn't want me and she didn't love me. I picked her up and held her tight and didn't let go, she tried to pull away but I just told her I loved her so much and I know she loves both me and her dad and I'm so sorry that sometimes it is hard to have us not living in the same house. Then she would just hug me and say she loved me and we would both cry. After that she was fine. We separated September 2003 shortly after she turned 3 and the first time this happened was after she turned 4.

There have been a few other times that dd just didn't like the rule I was holding her too and she said she was going to run away to live with her dad (which is funny, since she already lives there 1/2 the time)... I just said "Ok, but I don't know how you are going to get there" and she'll say "I'll drive your car" or once she said "I'm going to ride on top of your car." I reminded her that she can't drive, she's not big enough, my car isn't going that way anytime soon (we do the exchange at school), and in any case if she made it here her dad would bring her back since it's her week with me. At that point she usually grudgingly does what I have asked.

I'm not sure what is going to work for your dd, or just what exactly might be going through her mind... but my guess is she wants more to get out of doing something than realizing her words might really hurt you. My dd is fully capable of putting on her shoes too, but sometimes she just doesn't want to do it. She wants me to baby her and I usually agree to it because I know she isn't going to be little much longer and what she is needing from me at that point is reassurance that I will take care of her if she needs me to (reminding her that she can do it herself, but if she wants me to she needs to ask nicely and I would like it if she did it herself next time). Just another thing to think about. What's interesting is she doesn't like to be babied by her dad... she likes to show him how independent she is... with me she is more likely to try and show she is not independent. We saw this with her ballet class - she could hardly stand to have me waiting outside the room, she'd make it about 1/2 through. But when her dad took her, she was like "watch me daddy" and she'd stay in the class the whole time just showing off to him. I guess it's just a mommy/daddy thing.




Edited 4/1/2005 8:43 pm ET ET by firstamendment

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 1:36pm
I let her know that it really hurt my feelings and that we needed to work on respect and listening.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 2:05pm

This is what you say when she says that she wishes "E" was her mommy..... "I'm so happy that you like being with "E".


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 4:45pm

Ooooh, i fear this in my furture! The only thing i can say is if there wasnt another woman, it would be her Dad, or Gramma, or a freind Mom .... dont take to heart its OW she is using. I am sure she can sense what will "get to you most". My dd for the 1st time said "Im mad at you! Im calling DADDY to bring me to the bday party Saturday!"

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 11:04pm

oooooh our kids are SOOOOO good at pressing our buttons!! your DD is a perfectly normal kid. I remember that my son used to do this - for YEARS mind you. not on a daily basis,but he had this "daddy's house is more fun", "daddy doesn't have these stupid rules". once my then-husband actually handed my son his phone, and send - "here, dial your daddy and tell him to come and get you".


I think its a combination and there are two DIFFERENT issues at play. first of all - your DD may be confused - not because she isn't a bright kid - but she is SIX and the "life" that she knew has suddenly changed, and she may not "get it" (lets face it, we are adults and *we* don't get it either, at times!). at six - she doesn't have the coping mechansisms that WE have. its just simply "confusing" and she probably justs wants her "old" life back. in her, six-year-old, mind - OW's house is FUN, mommy's house has rules, ergo - it looks like OW's house is the better choice.


but there is another issue - and that is that this is simply your dd manipulating you , which has nothing to do wtih divorce or OW or anything like that. this is what kids do - they test our limits. that's THEIR job. and OUR job, as parents, is to be standing there with those "HALT! BOUNDARY AHEAD!" signs. the point is that YOU need to be clear to YOU that what YOU are doing is the best thing for your dd. being a "friend", being "fun"..... these are not things that your dd needs from the adults in her life. that is what her friends are for. she NEEDS her parents (and parent's partners) to be ..... parents. adults.


so what can you do? it might be helpful to you to get some advice from a child's therapist. there may be some tricks to handling your particular child that will be helpful. for example (and this is just an example), when it comes to chores - it MAY be better to just sit down with DD and make up a list of chores, and then it is HER responsibility to get them done. this way - no nudging from you. she does the chores - she gets a gold star or something. OR you may try working with a little timer - or whatever tricks may work for you. a helpful web site is www.flylady.com (go to the part on kids, and on single parents). a great book that worked for me was :Wimpy Parents: from Toddler to Teen how NOT to Raise a Brat by Kenneth N. Condrell

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 8:26am

Good point!


It would be grandma, aunt, daddy etc..... OW isn't necessarily the problem. VERY good point~



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 9:19am
We did set up a chore list a couple weeks ago and she can earn $2 each week.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com