6 yr old begging me to keep married name
Find a Conversation
6 yr old begging me to keep married name
| Fri, 05-26-2006 - 5:40am |
My poor girl. B/c her FATHER made such a big deal about it, in front of her, now she is totally aware of what it means to go back to your maiden name. The thing is, i wasnt even definatly doing it. But i needed the court to ok it at our final hearing this next Tuesday - so, if i ever WANT to, I will.


Pages
Awwwww, that is so sad Rebecca! I would however, have the court okay it so that one day in the future you can change it if you'd like. Maybe one day A will be ready. I had no intention of changing my name (I've had it nearly as long as I had my maiden name!) but they still noted that I may change it at any time. It's pretty much a formality so don't sweat having it in there even if it takes a long time until it happens.
I'm so sorry this has been so hard for her. My kids are on a rollercoaster of their own and I know how sad it is on the down days. Today I tell my kids about their trip... I'm not looking forward to it. Hang in there and please know how much we all adore you here on the board and that we're all behind you 100%.
Mel
Oh Mel, thanks for your kind words - they mean so much.
(((hugs))) & strength to you telling the kids. You will ALL be ok. We all will. PROMISE!
I hate your STBX. I really do. I hate this person that they assigned to your case that won't even read the paperwork put in front of her about the continued emotional and verbal abuse your STBX heaps on your daughter with every visit and how this person who should be taking this into account and yanking visitation from him and instead at the very least making it be SUPERVISED visitation. THis is absolutely ASININE that this poor child is subjected day in and day out to this type of abuse and there is NOTHING that can be done. I cannot even stomach it, it breaks my heart everytime I read this garbage.
Make sure you still request the right to go back to your maiden name at anytime. doesn't mean right now you do it and wait until she's a little older and not so fragile, she'll understand better when she's a little older. But he really is a rat. I couldn't remember if you said if her counselor wrote a letter to the courts about getting her supervised visits as well?
Sorry you're having to deal with this. . .on top of everything else he's put you and Averey through.
I have a suggestion, though. . .
My suggestion would be to talk to Averey about what constitutes a family and how families all look different. . .that sometimes family members don't have the same last name (ie she doesn't have the same last name as some of her cousins, her aunts/uncles, maternal grandparents, etc). . .that family is more than just blood (my children know that we have family friends that are more like family than friends).
I'd keep listening to her concerns and reassuring her that her name won't change, of course. . .but ultimately if you decide to go back to your maiden name it is your choice. Upon my divorce being finalized I've decided to go to a hyphenated version of my maiden name and my married name. I decided to keep the married portion as I've used it professionally for 15 years and I still have 2 young children, but I wanted to reconnect with the 'strength' that I associate with my maiden name and my family of origin.
At any rate. . .hugs to you both. . .you'll pull through. . .look how far you've come already!
Virgo
I know Hon, we've just got to keep looking at the big picture. I know that in the end it will be peaceful and settled and all our kids will eventually figure it all out for themselves (as far as what kind of person their dad is). It's a daily struggle though for those of us who are always trying to take our children's feelings into consideration first. I know just how you're feeling.
Mel
Rebecca,
I don't know if you just want to be rid of his name, or if you want yours back for a particular reason, so my advice/opinion/idea my be totally off... but my plan (when my divorce is final) is to keep my married name (for my children's sake) and since I am significantly dating someone, I expect to take his name when (if) we get married. I will "sort of" use my current name (kid's last name) as a "middle name" so when I sign school stuff, it says Kerry "Old name" "New Name"... so the "association" is still there for the kids. Could you maybe take your maiden name back as your FORMAL/LEGAL last name but add/use the current married name as a middle, so to speak, so Averey "knows" your name is "Rebecca (sames as her) (whatevermaidennameis)"?
It really is a hard decision to make.
Oh Rebecca...(((hugs)))
This is my worst fear. The fear that my son will cry endlessly that mommy and daddy aren't married anymore. I'm only in the very premature stages of seperating. I haven't even paid the lawyer the retainer. My stomach is in knots over all of this.
That man is a master manipulator. If he stopped bringing up the topic
That's a tough one. It is so hard to see our kids sad.
When I divorced, I took back my maiden name - I wanted to get as far away from my ex as possible. I didn't want to have the same last name after all the bad things he did - and there is a part of me that worries the ex may still get himself in trouble with the law someday, so I didn't want to have the same last name if his mug shot someday appears in the local paper.
It was a pain to change my name back - had to jump through hoops to get it changed on my 401k - but most of the time I don't regret changing it. However, I do still get called, "Mrs. XYZ" by the school and daycare!
After I'd been divorced for more than a year, my ds finally clued in that I had changed my name back and he was pretty insistent for quite some time that I had to change it back. I actually seriously considered it as there did seem to be a lot of confusion at the school. In my state, it didn't appear that it would have been very hard to change it - and my ex said he didn't care one way or the other about it.
What finally kept me from doing it is that although it would have made things *maybe* a little easier as far as the school and the daycare was concerned, there would have been confusion again once my ex was re-married. (That happens this fall - and I am sure the school is going to end up thinking she's the BM, oh well, c'est la vie.) Also, my stomach just turned at the thought of being 'the other Mrs. XYZ' and having that tie to my ex. I do not foresee ever getting married again and changing my name again at that point - so I thought it best to stick with the maiden name for good.
I didn't want my ds to be uncomfortable about it, so I continued to talk positively about it with my ds and he seems to be OK with it now. I liked the idea from one of the other posters about how we don't have the same last name as other people we are related to - it is true! What I did for my ds was to draw a big heart and then draw pictures of all the people we loved inside it - I would talk about how we all had different names but that there was room enough for a lot of people with all their different names in my heart. Kind of sappy - : ) - but did seem to help. And yes, I did draw a picture of ds's Dad in there too. I try to let my ds know that I still care about his Dad and hope that his Dad is happy now.
Hopefully, if your ex finally drops his bad behaviors, your daughter will get a chance to adjust to things. I hope things settle down for you two!
Pages