7 Mos Pregnant and Hubby wants a DIVORCE

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2005
7 Mos Pregnant and Hubby wants a DIVORCE
20
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 12:26am

Hello everyone, as you can imagine I am a total wreck right now. DH and I have been married for almost 2 years. We have been having problems on and off and believe me they're not problems in my opinion but to him they are. Silly arguements because he would go out with the boys 3-4 times a week and come home late, I would have to ask him to do certain things and if I complained that he didn't do it then I was b1tching. He doesn't feel we're compatible because he loves to play video games and I hate them. We laugh at different things. Anyway, we decided to have a baby when we were in good terms. Now I am 7 months pregnant and he says he can't take it anymore and he's not happy and these 2 years have been terrible for him. I know we haven't had a perfect marriage but I'm realistic at the fact that things will get boring and heated at times. He said he loves me but we just don't get along and we clash. He left it up to me to decide on what we should do so I just let it go. How insensitive could he be???? I really don't know what's going through his head but I'm not going to fight it either, he sounded very convinced that this was the right thing to do, and of course I'm the one who has to deal with the mortgage, the bills, and now the baby even though he said he would be there and he will help me out. Anyway, I really need some advice and guidance and even support. I feel very alone right now and it's not helping my state of mind which is not good for the baby. Thanx for listening...

Laura

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 1:18am
Do you have family? Could you stay with them? It sounds like your H is very immature and is not ready to be a father. Sounds like he needs to grow up and be a man.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 4:23am

hugs laura and welcome! sorry you had to find us, under these circumstances, but i am glad that you did because this is one supportive group of people!


i know htat its hard for you right now, and i'm sure that the pregnancy and hormonal changes are not going to make things easier for you, but! you really need to sit down and figure out the rest of your life.


first - you need to face reality here and now. your husband is very immature, and doesn't sound like a suitable husband. I mean, you are describing this as if you sometimes have silly arguments, but from what you are describing - this goes much deeper. a guy who is married with a baby on the way should not be going out with the guys 3-4 times a week and coming home late. ( i am just assuming that drinking etc goe on there), should not be playing stupid video games and leaving his wife to take care of the bills etc. this goes beyone being a 'less than perfect' marriage and i think this is something you are going to have to come to terms with.


second - you need to figure out what you are going to do - long and short term. i wouldn't count on your husband to do things on his own, so you are going to have to force him (legally) to pay CS. you have to find a place to live, you have to find some way to pay your bills

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 11:16am

Hi Laura.... Welcome to the board, although I'm sorry that you need to be here.


It really doesn't sound like your husband was really ready to settle down into a marriage.... and probably the idea of a new baby is really cramping his "party" style even more.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2005
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 1:32pm
Thank you all for your support. I just really believe that he has a very unrealistic view of what marriage is like. He would tell me how no one argues that much and how we don't have anything in common, mind you he was the one who wanted to rush to the altar. I do work and now I have to figure out what I'm going to do after the baby's born. He insists that it's not because of the baby but because of us that he feels that way. He is very immature, I will admit that and he's a momma's boy (His mom told me in front of my mom that I need to give her son sex so he's not stresed out) I was shocked and so was my mom esp because I was 5 mos at the time. I am a professional with a good head on my shoulders and I just can't believe that he would be so insensitive now that im this far along with my pregnancy. I will tell you this, he left the house once before and we got back together, he might do it again but I don't think I can handle this all over again, it's too much stress and hurting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 4:50pm
BEEN THERE! I found out I was pregnant 3 days after I decided I had enough. (He was going out and coming home when he felt like it, started drinking heavily, constantly overdrawing the bank account...and if I said anything about any of it I was
"b!%ching".) Then he started telling me that he wasn't having fun anymore and he wanted a divorce- of course most of the time he said this when he was drunk so he could (and would) always take it back. I gave him ultimatums, suggested counseling, tried to change to accomodate him...we had only been married for 7 months when this started happening. I didn't want to give up- "for better or for worse", ya know? Anyway, I somehow found a shred of self-respect and tried to leave him. Things got complicated once the stick turned blue though. At first he didn't want to have anything to do with the baby and that was fine with me because I just wanted him out of my life. Ultimately we made several attempts at reconciliation during the pregnancy, none of which worked, and we are now battling over the baby he said he never wanted in the first place.
Save yourself and don't make some of the mistakes I made- I can't tell you how many I-promise-I'll-change speeches I fell for; and I spent most of my pregnancy crying and stressed out because of them. Take what self-respect he hasn't yet sucked out of you and let him go. Hopefully, someday he'll realize what an a$$ he's been and what he missed out on. (Mine still doesn't think he's done anything wrong and continues to play the victim.)
Unfortunately, there's not much you'll be able as far as the divorce goes until the baby is born (many states won't even let a pregnant woman file- hormones, I guess.) I live in AZ so I was able to file the divorce papers and request "temporary orders". With them you can request alimony, child support, debt allocation, etc. until the divorce can be finalized.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 10:53am

Laura,

Our children are our gifts. When you have lived as long as I did with a man who only cared about himself, 34 years,
then find yourself trying to start over at this late age, you will look back and wish you would had gotten out of this mess when it first started. My parents where married for 62 years and I know what real love is. This isn't love. Don't
waste your life trying to raise him, you have your baby to think about. His parent's did a lousy job, your not responsible for him now, he needs to grow up. Be safe and take care of yourself

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2005
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 12:22pm
You guys are absolutely right, he will never change. I don't expect him to either. I am ready to move on although my only concern right now is taking care of this house and bills and now a baby on my own. I still do have my self-respect and that's something he will never take away from me. I was too good of a woman for him and I realize that now. Sometimes I wonder what goes through a man's head, he would call me naive because I didn't see things weren't working out and just like a good wife I tried to stick by him through thick and thin, for better or for worse but you know what..he can kiss my a$$. I am feeling better now the more time goes by and I know he'll be miserable. He thinks good women are everywhere and he's going to get a rude awakening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 1:11pm

Laura,

I finally left ex a year ago Feb 14th, I hate that date, and have tried to have NO CONTACT. I slip like all do. A couple of weeks ago I was going through boxes that I am still unpacking and came across stuff that belonged to him. My conscious wouldn't let me throw it in the garbage (he was a police officer who retired and given a retirement party and I had the pictures and clippings of 32 years of service and tons of books that belonged to him). I called and have been paying for it sense. He called this morning at l:00 drunk. I called him back just know and same thing starts all over again. Where I am going with this is that this is just a sick game with them. By the way, the other woman turns out to be his 44 year old son that I put up with all these years and now who is living with him after his mother had to die to get rid of him. Sorry about this, hope you are following me here, just be strong and don't make the mistakes that I
am having to pay for now, take care,

Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 6:47pm
I agree about the NO CONTACT rule. That was the mistake I made. I kept hoping that he'd get his head out of his a$$ and realize what he was throwing away and I could never hang up the phone or slam the door in his face. I wish now that I had listened to everyone who kept telling me he wasn't going to change and to concentrate on the pregnancy. I didn't and what should have been the happiest time of my life was riddled with arguments, crying, stress and ultimately a phone call to the police. Don't let that happen- have the strength to hang up and/or not open the door; concentrate on you and the baby. And if you're seriously worried about the bills look into getting some temporary orders. Oh, and document everything! Having specific dates and events for the judge makes your case stronger.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 11:11pm
"I still do have my self-respect and that's something he will never take away from me. I was too good of a woman for him and I realize that now."
Good for you! What a wonderful statement! Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

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