The 7 stages of grief

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
The 7 stages of grief
12
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 9:53am

rhea got me thinking about how my therapist said that a divorce is very similar to a death, and most people have to experience the stages of grief to heal. I've posted the stages below for us to look at so we can see where we are and where we will be....soon!
************************************************************

Grief and loss can be associated with any stage of life. Even the death of a pet or moving to a new house can cause a person to grieve. Grief is associated with any kind of loss and will vary in length and intensity. Students experiencing homesickness during the first few weeks of college are experiencing a loss (parents, home, friends, etc.) and are, in a sense, grieving.

Grief is a normal, natural part of life. It is important that grief be regarded as a healing process. There are seven recognized grief stages. An individual will experience each stage during their grief; however, it may not be in order and some stages may be visited more than once. The stages of grief are:

(1) Shock or Disbelief that the loss has occured.

(2) Denial is the stage in which the person refuses to accept the loss has occured.
(3) In the Bargaining stage, the person attempts to reconcile the loss by making deals with other people, sometimes also with Diety. (
(4) Guilt is marked by statements of "if only I had done/been . . . ".
(5) Anger is a natural stage everyone must pass. Anger may be directed toward the loss, the person lost, or even Diety.
(6) Depression is a stage that comes and goes throughout the grief process. Resignation at the end of the depression indicates that the truth of the loss has been accepted and the person is ready to move on.
(7) Acceptance and Hope means that you understand your life will never be the same but it will go on with meaning and hope.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2005
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 10:04am
Reading your 7 stages WOW!! I read them again, to my surprise, the first thing I felt was "my God" I've gone through these stages so many times in the last 7 years. ever since his fist fling, these stages have come about, gone away, come about again. the days he would disappear for the whole day with no one knowing where he was, the times I found personal ad responses in his pockets, the list goes on and on. I've been through those stages so many times, no wonder I'm exhausted. On a positive note, this is the last time I'll have to go through these stages!!! Now if only I can get through the stage of crying all the time. The hardest part is the need in me to still protect him and make excuses for him, thats the toughest battle right now for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 11:59am

this is great!

i remember going thru these stages, i remember reading about them while i was 'in the moment'. i got stuck mostly on the denial and the guilt - oyyyyy the guilt. it kept me stuck in a marriage that i never should've gotten into in the first place.

i am so happy with my life now - especially looking back and seeing where i was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2006
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 12:13pm
I just got divorced 12/15/05. It's only been 3 months. I feel like I am going through all 7 stages at the same time. I have been battling an illness for 17 years and when I finally found an answer he gave me divorce papers. He said that he couldn't take it anymore. The illness came on when the twins were born. It's not their fault or my fault but now I am all alone. I have never been on a chat room or message board before. I hope there is someone out there that can maybe give me some advice on living through this!
Thanks!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 2:01pm

I am just beginning my road and I feel that I deal with all 7 steps at the same time. The shock factor of my STBX's double life and lies has not worn off, I still deny it a little so it doesn't hurt so bad and isn't so humiliating. I baragin, (If I wouldn't have gone back to school, if I would have had sex with him every time he wanted it...), I feel guilty for not "being perfect" and of course, depressed that my life with him is over. Although I DO see the light that I will have a better life when I heal and eventually forgive him (NOT to reconcile, but so I can move on and throw out the bitterness).

Thanks for the post...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2006
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 7:16pm
that is nice to know. I find that there are good days and then there are days i dont know if i can pull myself out of. But having good listeners makes it easier. I have been seperated for 8 months and i still feel like it is a nightmare i want to wake up from. My family is really understanding but i really think somedays they get bored with all my ups and downs. What have you done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 7:53pm

the seven stages of grief... it seems like years ago i learned about them... I was mad,sad and mad, and sad and mad... I'm still mad and sad... The house is on the market and it makes me sad and mad. I had to give the dog to my ex- makes me really mad and sad... he only wants to pay me $736/ mo. alimony makes me mad and sad... I guess I realy feel mad and sad right now.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 7:18am

"i really think somedays they get bored with all my ups and downs."

I know you may feel that way, but I am sure they are happy to support you. I have talked my father's ear off so many times, I often wonder how he stands it. But think about it...if you had to support a family member going through the same thing, you would do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 7:21am
I think it was very telling that the article mentioned how we can revisit some of the stages over and over. The healing process does not move in a straight line for everyone. Actually, I highly doubt it moves along like that for anyone. I feel I have been at the "acceptance" level for a while, but I definitely still have my share of angry days!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2005
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 9:38am
One question about the 7 stages, why don't men feel them? All the emotions that I'm experienceing, I can't for the life of me figure out why he isn't experiencing even one of them. All hes' interested in doing is getting me to sign off on his profit sharing, give him my car, (mine's the better one) go to strip clubs, talk and meet and god knows what else with other women. After 30 years spent together, it comes down to me still dealing with the struggles, me dealing with the heart ache of all this, and worse of all, me still trying to protect him. God I must be sick! lol
rhea
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 1:36pm

Rhea,
Think about it....the longer he spends doing all the things he is doing and not dealing with the grief of a dissolved marraige, the longer he is just dragging out his own grief. I belive that everyone dels with it in some way or another and those that "stuff it" which it sounds that your ex is doing, will suffer more eventually. He may not show it on the outside, but the poor decisions he is making are a consequence of that.

You on the other hand seem to be embracing your grief, which is healthy and normal. You are WAY ahead of the game and are on your road to becoming a stronger and better woman for yourself and probably another man eventually. Another man that appreciates you and appreciated your courage. Your ex does not seem to be embracing becoming a better person. I think you mentioned you have daughters? What a wonderful role model you are to them to prove that you CAN come out of this a better woman an don't accept someone who disrespects you. I (and my sister) have noticed we have been choosing relationships that match our mothers, some bad choices and some good.

Good luck,
Beanie

Pages