7yr DD telling me "I've been thinking
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| Sat, 06-09-2007 - 10:50am |
that when I am 12 I can choose to go live with my dad." Where the heck did this come from? Well from the following of course...XH's 12yr niece.
Quick refresher: XH and I divorced after only 3yrs of marriage (relationship of almost 18yrs) XH slept with his sister's sis-n-law (kinda Jerry Springer) that myself and daughter were very close with. She got prego - he lied about it until the birth - XH and OW DECIDED that they would tell my DD by just springing up on her to meet her new "sister". Our DD was 4 at the time. But she defintely wasn't stupid didn't understand how OW could have her sister and of course the only response from OW and XH was "because we thought you needed one?" DD also at that time wanted to know how could OW have her sister when mom and dad were married. Bottom line I HATE my XH and OW both not for what they did to me but for what they did to my daughter. I am the one who has to try to explain things but not anymore I just say go ask your dad!!!
Anyhoot my daughter the other day was getting something out of the fridge and singing to herself and then she just spit out "Um mom I have been thinking that when I am 12 I can choose to go live with my dad." Then proceeded to walk out of the kitchen with me standing there like WTF just hit me?
First and foremost I love my DD and am I the perfect parent - absolutely NOT. Am a better parent for my DD and have I been - absolutely YES!!! My XH has over the past 3yrs since we separated and divorced he has missed his parenting time with DD, missed holidays here and there, school functions, missed surgeries, doctor appts., and just recently her birthday. Oh and there is also the slight little thing called child support that I do not get and he has warrants because of this.
I took a deep breath and asked my DD "Who told you that you could choose when you are 12?" DD said "My cousin did and now she lives with Aunt ***." I said "The reason your cousin gets to live with your Aunt *** now is because when your cousin was little like your age she didn't take care of your cousin and your cousin's dad went to the judge and asked for her to come live with him and the judge knew that was the best choice for her at the time." DD said "No that isn't it mom it is because kids who they are parents are divorced live with one parent for a while then at 12 they go with the other parent." she tried to argue with me and overall she doesn't argue (yes I know I am waiting for the 14-16yr to come out of her). I said listen what happened with your cousin isn't any of yours or my business (even though out of his whole family 4 sisters aunts and uncles I was the only one at that time 10 yrs ago to write a letter to the judge saying to give his sister help and try to maintain the child within the immediate family blah blah blah - well of course one letter of someone wanting to help the situation didn't budge the judge's decision) But I didn't tell all of this to my DD.
I am no longer lying to my DD all the of the times that he missed parenting time, pick up times, holidays, etc. I made excuses well maybe his bad boss wouldn't let him come blah blah blah (even though he says he is self employed he is his own boss but really gets paid under the table). I told her that her dad can't even take care of himself yet alone his 2 other kids (both him and his GF (OW) are more than capable of working full time jobs but they choose to live off welfare) where I work 2 jobs. I know it is still her dad and dont' knock him down it will just come and bite me in the a** later in life. But I am busting my back and I will continue to do this for my DD to provide her with what she needs - NOT SPOIL her. But I got so angry while she and I were talking and she was saying but I love my dad too and I said it isn't that you don't love your dad because you dont' live with him but that is divorce and both mom and dad agreed you would live with me. But then again she is 7 and an only child (with me) so she understands a little bit more. Later that night I cried and cried. He treats her like crap but she still puts him on a pedastil. I knew when going through my divorce that at some stage she might come to me and say I want to go live with my dad but not when another kid is talking her into it.
Please any advice.......TIA

whoa nelly!
I understand you are upset, but your dd is SEVEN. she isn't even going to remember this convo in two months, never mind when she is 12.
don't get sucked into these conversations and arguments, they are lose-lose situations.
you just be the best mom you can be, and let your dd come to her own conclusions about who her dad is (she will).
My kids favorite was I am running away. I told them "Hold on,
I will help you pack." Kids love to try to get a rise out you. They are munipulatiors.
Another favorite of my kids was " I am calling Childrens Services." When they were being punished. I would tell them, "Let me look up the number for you."
Back then people from CS would visit the schools and kids misunderstood what they were saying. They took it as a way to get back at parents.
You will be fine. Kids change their minds like the weather.
Hi,
I would jsut tell her that she only gets to make that choice if you and her dad are BOTH in agreement that she can make the choice... or if you AND her dad were neglecting her and there were other options available.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~