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Thoughts
| Fri, 07-24-2009 - 6:31pm |
Man this grief is bad 24/7 but I think the weekends are worse, you're wondering what their doing and who their with, I know my mind goes places that probably aren't

Jim,
I know it is really hard right now but time helps. Give yourself plenty of time to find out who you are and what you want. From a woman´s perspective the last thing you want to do is rush into another relationship. It will only hurt you and the person who is your rebound relationship.
I got this advice from this board about a year ago and have passed it on as well. Give yourself a set limit to think about your life with your stbx for example only one hour a day. Then after a week start taking it down by five minutes if you can. I did this and it really does work. If you find yourself focusing on your problems and sadness later on tell yourself that you have done this for the day and find something else to distract yourself.
Another thing that I would suggest is delete or hide your stbx´s file on your social network. At this time it only hurts. Unfortunately my EX doesn´t do this type of things but my oldest son. I have found out many things that are going on in my EX´s life because of my son´s postings. A six months ago those things hurt because it was my son doing it not my EX. Now I take it with a grain of salt and know he is looking to get an angered response from the information. I haven´t given it to him.
The weekends are hard to get through as you are not working to keep your mind off the problems. Join a baseball team or go bowling or just go take walks. Getting out and being active really helps. Take up something you always wanted to do and never had the time before. Art, dance classes, playing piano. All of these things help to make it easier.
As a side note, I have been to Pittsburgh and was very impressed with the city. Coming originally from Detroit I was not used to a city being able to clean up so well.
Here is sending you some cyber hugs to get you through this time.
Emom13
Hi Maine,
Jim, I just want to say that Ollie is so right. It is important that you limit the time you spend thinking about things, and it's equally important to schedule your time so that you're not at loose ends. I know that's easier said than done. I know that at first, I literally couldn't get through five minutes without thinking of my (now ex-) husband, even when I was doing other things. However, when you interact with other people, you CAN'T focus exclusively on your wife. That helps a lot. Being with other people also reminds you that there's more to you than how your STBX wife sees you.
Emom13 is right, too, in that you have to delete her Facebook page. I know it's hard. Keeping track of her feels like one way of keeping her close, but it's an illusion. You will only see what she wants you to see.
In a post to me when I was suffering an anxiety attack (I'm better now.), you said you were getting some therapy. Is that still true? I hope so.
Jim, you sound like a good guy with a lot to offer. Who were you before you met her? I found that looking at photos of me before I met my XH (And for me, that's going back a loooooong way!!!) and talking to my mom and siblings was a big help. You need to rediscover yourself. Believe it or not, it can become a fulfilling journey.
You have suffered a deep loss, and the grieving process is difficult. It's tiring, too. So take care of yourself. When I couldn't eat, someone here recommended yogurt, which helped a lot. Bananas are good, too, as they supposedly contain tryptophan, which helps calm you (Turkey has it, too). Have you been to your physician? Sometimes shock and loss like you've experienced trigger chemical changes in the brain that lead to clinical depression. Anti-depressants can help. They did for me.
Keep posting and let us know how you're doing. There are a lot of us who are pulling for you. Hang in there.
I agree with the others - if it's facebook where you are seeing her online, remove her as a friend. It's so tempting to want to see what's going on with her, and it's like a car accident. You don't want to look, yet you have to. But it's only giving you a reason to torture yourself. Delete the e-mails and the voice mails, and make a conscious effort to find something - a hobby or a distraction that will take your mind away. Focusing on the ex and the marriage that you thought was good becomes an addiction in some ways. You think your mind can will the situation to go back to what it was.
My addiction was googling the other woman's name to find out as much as I could about her to try to figure out what it was that my husband was attracted to in her. I had to tell myself to just STOP. I had to convince myself that it wasn't doing me any good. It was hard, and don't beat yourself up if you find your thoughts migrating back to her. Give it time and it will start to go away.
Going out with another woman might be a nice distraction, but make sure you're feeling a little healthier emotionally. Maybe focus on time with your friends first.
I know what you mean about 24/7. Even on days when I'm so busy at work I would find my mind wandering all the time. That will start to go away too. Just know that it is totally normal.
Thank you all so much, I am going to take your great advice, you guys are wonderful, you are helping me so much, I am going to therapy once a week as you asked Julie, it does help, I'm going to use all the ideas you guys have given me like alloting so much time to thinking of her, blocking her from facebook etc.
I love you guys.