Aaargh! I hate days like this! ....
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| Sun, 01-15-2006 - 10:18am |
I probably bit my nose off & now screwed myself, with STBX. I *hate* that he still has some semblence of control over me where visitation & my work schedule is concerned. & now i let him KNOW it.
He is SUCH a PIA about when he is taking her. Its like he waits till LAST minute, either the nite b4 or that day, to make a plan to take Ave overnite. In the meantime, i either need to have a sitter on call, or cancell one booked or scramble to find one if he isnt taking her. I would LIKE to just leave it, but if he takes her when i work, it saves me a LOT of $$$ each week - anywhere from $100-200 a WEEK, in sitter pay.
He has been pretty good the last few weeks, agreeing to take her a day or 2 ahead of my scheduled work days. So this week on Wed i e'd him asking if he planned to take her Sunday b/c i was working (technically i am supposed to offer it b/c of "1st right of refusal", he has the option to have her b4 a sitter & my atty told me that if he doesnt tell me within 24 hours of the time period, then he loses that right) & since it was a holiday on Monday, i asked if he could take her maybe 3'ish on Sunday, so i could sleep 3 hrs b4 work (working 7p-7a) & if he kept her till like 1pm on Monday, then i could sleep a few hours after work. (usually, his visits consist of my dropping her at 6:45pm on my way into work & picking her up at 7:30 am on my way home ... LOTS of quality time there! sleeping!) Anyway, he gave me NO answer. So, when i picked her up from his house Fri Am, i asked "Are you taking her Sunday?" his answer "Not sure, will call you on the weekend". I said "I need to know by tonite". Didnt hear a word. In the meantime, i am trying to find a sitter with no luck. So, last nite, Sat, i called him at 5pm. & i said "Did you plan on taking Ave tomorrow overnite?" His answer: "I will call you back".


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I feel your pain!! My ex constantly complains about my work schedule, but I've pretty much made it clear to him that the days I work are the days he has them and if he won't take them he'll be paying child support and WON'T get them. He wants to pick and choose his days, but that's tough. I want my kids on my days off and it's easier on them if his days to have them are on my days to work. I only work 3 a week. It would be one thing if he paid child support then I would hire someone, but he's basically just trying to be controlling (see my post on balancing work and kids).
I would work out some kind of agreement with the court in your divorce/custody that the days you work are his days to have her, if indeed he wants joint custody.
I can see your frustration with him.... and at some point, you had to let it out and tell him "how it is".
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
The thing of it is though, it's not fair. Why is it that as the mother we have to stress and worry and try to make arrangements when there's another parent right there that's just as responsible for that child as we are? Could we get away with not showing up, showing up late or not giving definate answers? No we couldn't. Why do we have to make it easier on them?
I don't think it's asking too much for the Dad to pitch in and help after all we are working to provide food for those kids that belong to him too. My ex calls it "babysitting" when he's got them while I'm working. He wanted joint custody and that's what he got. Joint custody isn't about when you feel like it or when you don't have other plans. I'm sorry parenting isn't like that and there are two people responsible for bringing a child into the world and two people that SHOULD be responsible for their care.
Yes, they "should" be responsible and do their part..... enforcing that is a huge obstacle--lots of time, energy, emotional anguish and money.
The bottom line is that it's often easier to just have a plan B, and succumb that if he won't be willingly responsible.... that somebody has to be... and I'd rather make the alternate plan, even if it costs money, than to waste my energy trying to reason with an unreasonable person.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Ok, so ...
Anyway,STBX did end up calling at 4:30 today, leaving a message on my cell, where he sounded as if he had just rolled out of bed, nonchalantly saying "Yeah, i will take Averey tonite. I'm off tomorrow". Then he left a message on the home phone "Hi Averey. Its Daddy. I love you & i miss you . Call me".
That's why God gave the uterus to the woman!
JMHO
What a jerk!
I think you're absolutely right in drawing a hard line in saying commit with 24 hours notice or no visitation. Maybe he'll finally learn he can't control you.
Such a shame when it would be the perfect opportunity for your daughter to have more time with Dad.
Maybe it will improve in the future...
I think that you have every "right" to tell him that she is with you tonight (but you'd better have something planned to appease HER so that you can "justify" to her why you're not letting her go tonight, since he'll ask HER... and not YOU first).
I would definitely dig in my heels a bit to prove your point, and now would be a better time than, perhaps, the recent past has been, since as far as you know, he is still taking his meds and may be somewhat sane enough to understand why this day is your day.... and he can have her on his days, and have first right of refusal.
I'd get tired of kitty
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
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