About alienation from Dr. Joyce Brothers
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| Wed, 04-06-2005 - 12:03am |
From: http://www.helpstoppas.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=187
Don't air the dirty laundry of divorce in front of kids
By DR. JOYCE BROTHERS
SYNDICATED COLUMNIST
DEAR DR. BROTHERS: My friend is going through a horrible divorce, and although I can't imagine acting so awfully to my husband and having him act that way to me, I have to admit that I wouldn't know what to do to make things seem fine or even OK for the kids. They are fighting over their two children, who are only 5 and 7 years old and don't fully grasp things. I have tried to gently tell my friend that she shouldn't go around the house screaming and crying about her ex, because I see that it makes her kids want to comfort her, or else it makes them cry, too -- but she seems to be in a daze. What can I do to help her and her kids? -- M.I.
DEAR M.I.: I am afraid there is very little you can do, except perhaps offer to take the children to the zoo or on some other outing to give them a break where the parent won't be trying to poison the very air that they breathe. I have very little sympathy for a parent who airs the dirty laundry in front of vulnerable young children or falls apart to the extent that it requires the kids to act like grown-ups, comforting Mom instead of the other way around. This is simply wrong and will come back to haunt her, I guarantee.
This is a time when the kids need extra nurturing, attention and a smooth transition to a new household or visitation situation. If your friend is trying to turn the kids against the husband and he is not a bad father, shame on her. You can help make sure that the kids know they are loved and that their mother and father are both good people. Explain that they are "not themselves" at the moment but that everything will turn out all right. Just watch out that you don't get caught in the crossfire; things sound pretty out of control around there.
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Divorce was difficult for me and my focus was largely on how I was going to support and care for my two young children. I realized the children had needs, but I was on an emotional rollercoaster and it was all I could do to keep them from seeing me cry every day. One thing I did not do was talk to them about the details of the divorce or tell them why my marriage had fallen apart. Looking back I see that I made the right decision.
Too many parents involve children in their divorce and often times even use the children against the other parent. I did not know anything about Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) before a man in Houston was shot and killed by his ten year old son. It seems one of the main reasons this boy was led to kill his own father was in fact PAS. Although I had never heard of PAS it is not uncommon. Studies have estimated that alienation takes place in approximately 80% of all divorce cases. Children who have been alienated from a parent suffer throughout their lifetime. It begins with depriving the child of a healthy relationship with both biological parents. Alieanted children have difficulty in school, are more likely to use illegal drugs, and have lifelong problems with personal relationships. These statistics can be found online at www.helpstoppas.com or by google searching "divorce statistics".

Interesting statistics..... thanks for sharing this with us (and jump in here to post with us any time).
Welcome to the board!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~