? about Alimony, is this true....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
? about Alimony, is this true....
9
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 10:47am


I live in New York, as you guys know 3 weeks ago I ran into my ex I dated while in college. We've been talking, have seen each other a few times, he's come to my house but he's married. He says the marriage has long been over and he's going to ask for a divorce next month. We've decided that until that happens and he moves out we dont want to get into anything "deeper between us" then we already have because it's not right.

My question is will he have to pay Alimony to her. I know child support will be a definite. A lady I work with says if the woman was working prior to them getting married he doesnt have to pay alimony is this true?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2005
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 11:09am
Yes, he will. However, unless he's wealthy, the amount is minimal. Most states ask for around $200.00 per month spousal maintenance and this doesn't last forever--usually three years. The ex can sue for more and for longer, but unless there's a lot of money in the household, she won't get much. Also, she will have to pay taxes on that money and her ex gets to do a write-off so it's not so bad for him in the long run because he gets some relief at tax time. I received alimony from the state of North Carolina for two years while I was in college finishing up my degree and that's how they do it. I wouldn't worry about the alimony. I'd worry about his child support commitments because that's significant--not only in money, but in emotions. Also, I'd be careful with him because of the old "my marriage is coming apart" line. I wonder if his wife knows this :). Sounds fishy and you don't want to be hooked...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 11:43am
There are a lot of factors that go into whether someone has to pay alimony and for how long. State law is one big factor, and it's different everywhere, I don't know about NY. How long she was out of the work force, and whether she gave up her job for the family and children, and her ability to re-enter the work force are also factors. I live in PA and I had to pay my ex temporary spousal support during separation, but not alimony after divorce, and that was because here if you are separated but not divorced marital income is 'joint income' and you have to share, so the person who earns less gets the spousal support, even though he has a masters degree and was working full time since the week after he graduated. I would ask him a little more about why he has to pay, for how long and how it will affect his finances overall. Or just wait and see once he is set up after he separates, is he living check to check, is he able to afford a decent place, is he paying for it or living off credit? Those are important things to know about someone before you get serious if you can find out.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 12:53pm

Im very LEARY of the whole unhappy marriage line, believe me. I dont even trust it because you always hear of that and it almost always turns out as the man/woman just wanting a piece on the side. But then I think could it be true. People do change, fall out of love, grow apart. I surely never thought I wouldnt be with my ex right now. Thought we'd be together forever you know.

I know he asked me to give him to September as they are going on a vacation to Disney with their daughter in August that he says was planned in advance and he didnt think "we" would have had possibility of a second chance since seeing each other 3 yrs ago and I told him how happy I was and 3mths pregnant at the time. But I will keep my feelings at bay and still date for the next month. If he keeps his word or not time will surely tell.

I know the child support is a big deal. I took my ex to court for C.S. so I know how that is as well as the Swell of emotions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 12:57pm
Well nothing is final yet. Hell who knows if he will even really leave. Time will tell though. So Im being very careful as we could be each other's rebounds who knows. But I know it's HIGHLY, HIGHLY unlikely that he will really leave, nor do I expect him to leave for "me", dont want him to. We've above and beyond anything else right now have just been good friends to each other, good listeners. She isnt out of work though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 2:01pm

I would be a little leery of this situation. Glad you're not putting your life on hold for him and are continuing to date. It doesn't sound like you can really be 'just friends' if he's contemplating leaving his wife and giving your relationship another try (I'm not saying you're crossing the line, but if you keep seeing him the line's going to get blurrier and blurrier). Maybe the best thing to do would be to tell him to take the time and figure out what he wants and needs in his life and not to contact you unless and until his marriage is officially over. You don't want to be a factor in the end of his marriage, and you don't want to get closer to him until you know he is available.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2005
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 2:19pm
I just had to respond to this...I am not sure at all about the alimony but that should be the least of your worries. My H used the same line "my marriage has been over for a long time" with the OW. He convinsed her that we didn't even sleep in the same room. However, the whole time the A was going on, he was wining, dining, and romancing me. I didn't have a clue that "our marriage had been over for awhile", since he was still participating in every aspect of our marriage like he always had. So becareful of that!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 2:38pm
My husband tried this on three different women (I only know about three) during the two years before he left. Up until two weeks before he moved out, he behaved as though our marriage was for life, kissed me at every turn and told me he loved me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 3:40pm

Ladies,
Maybe you guys misunderstood. Im not saying Im gonna go full speed ahead with anything. Or putting all my hopes on the story of him really leaving. I know full well how it goes. Im sure my ex told his other women the same things that "we" were over etc. Im not taking his word for anything because as I said nothing is final yet with him. I wont believe it until I see the actual papers and he has his own place. I told him I dont want to be the reason his marriage is ending. That if he leaves her I dont want it to be for me, Ive told him it has to be b/c HE wants to leave. Ive made that very clear. Ive also told him I dont want him lying to her to so he can see me, its not right or fair to her.

I ve been on the other side of this and all im saying is Ive been blessed b/c for a long long time I despised the other women in my ex's lives for what they did. And now here I am and it's a very similar situation. My friend claims they havent been intimate for a long time. I know me and my ex were still intimate when we were together till the very end almost. I dont believe him, but I have to admit that I want to. I wish it were true and he was leaving. I want to find that special someone to be with, share my life with. But that cant happen until he does leave if he leaves. I just see how hard it is when you really care for someone. Those feelings are not easy to walk away from. I want to see him, spend time with him but it's wrong as long as he's still married because we want to be more than friends. Im not condoning infidelity one bit. I could be like the other women and say I dont care about his wife but that's not right at all. I do care b/c I been there. I just have a little insight as to what the ow in my situation must have been feeling.

Spouses can fall out of love with each I guess. I guess there are men out there who say its over, mean it and do get the divorce, just wondering if he's genuine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 10:59am

luvred-

There's no way to know whether he really means what he's saying or whether he's saying what he thinks will let him have his cake and eat it too. So you're doing the right thing to keep living your life and let him sort out his marriage first. If he follows through on what he's saying and you're still available, then you can see where you two stand. If not, you'll be glad you didn't put your life on hold, and who knows - you might meet your Mr. Right any day now.

-sang