Absolutely alone and terrified.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Absolutely alone and terrified.
3
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 10:53am

Even though we had just made plans for the evening, my husband sent me a text at work right before I left on Friday telling me that he was leaving and "moving somewhere else for awhile." We've always had a rocky marriage. We met the day I graduate from college and married 9 months later.

Now a year and a quarter later we have had to deal with his alcoholism, which even after being arrested once last year and getting a DUI this year, he is still in denial and says he is not an alcoholic, but he drinks a lot everyday. As the alcohol has not changed and his "me me me" attitude has taken its toll and since we got married I have progressed into a mean and vengeful person who now drinks a lot too. I was never a screamer or a yeller when we ment, but have now become one. And I have always been the one threatening divorce since the weekend we got married (we originally eloped, but he started back to the heavy drinking the day of elopment and even went to a bar by himself after I fell asleep on our wedding night. After his first arrest fall '05, which his whole family blames me for, we cancelled the actual ceremony and never had one).

Now, back to friday. I came home to find that he really had taken his stuff. All his clothing, toiletries, and his birds- leaving me with 4 dogs. After 2 mean texts yesterday-which I am determined not to respond to- I feel utterly sad and alone. I thought this was going to be like christmas. We got into a fight, he said he was going to get nicorette, and left in the morning on christmas eve and did not come home until 11pm Christmas night- but he eventually came home. My husband is absolutely the only real family I have. No one else. I dont talk about it with any of my girlfriends as I am the first to get married and they dont understand. What I do find scary is that I dont want to leave the house. And I sometimes get panic attacks at night and last night was really awful. I felt utterly alone and like the world had forgotten about me and that I was ever born. I was thinking thoughts I rarely ever feel- like, whats the point of all this? I have no family. No one. Whats the point of going on? I also have never had a time without a boyfriend. I had just broken up with my college boyfriend and met my husband 1 week later (my husband was my neighbor). And now I dont know what to do with myself without my husband in my life.

I dont know if my husband has filed yet or what he is planning on doing. His moods change very frequently- just last week he was so happy and telling me how he had fallen back in love with me. And then the sudden 180 change. Its a rollercoaster, for sure. Thats why I am still with him, the times that are good are amazing and he is my bestfriend, but when he has a mood swing, I dont know who that person is. But I was never more scared then last night all alone at 1 am. I dont know what to do. how to force myself to leave the house instead of watching lifetime movies. I dont have many friends my age as I graduated from college early and everyone at work is a good 10 years older than me. I have never been more confused or scared. My psychiatrist is like my surrogate father and gets back this week after a month long vacation. I dont know how I am going to make it through til our Wednesday appointment. I'm 23, my husband is 33, and dont feel equipped to handle this or even know what to do. I would greatly appreciate some advice. I am so used to doing and handling things on my own, but this is all new and the most lonely place I have ever been.

What do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2006
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 11:39am

So sorry that you are going through this right now. Unfortunately I do not a lot of time this morning to respond to your post.

You can call a crisis hotline and talk to them. It is difficult to be alone and scared. But you will find that you are not so alone on here. There are many people who understand what you are going through right now.

First thing is that you have to deal with your drinking problem. You cannot deal with your husband's drinking problem and that is HIS responsibility. Being alone without someone is a good thing at times. You are still very young and have not had to deal with life alone. You are clinging to someone else as a substitute for your own happiness. You can be happy even when you are alone for happiness should not be generated by someone else, only from within yourself and that is true happiness.

Call the crisis hotline in your area, tell them what your thoughts are!!! That concerns me most of all. You are a unique person. You have the right to a happy life and that can be found. Keep us posted on how you are doing!! >>>HUGS<<< to help get you through the day. Think positive good things!! Be kind to yourself, try to rest and go all the good things for your body because it needs that from you!!

--Joy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 11:41am

First of all........((Hugs)) to you. Keep coming back this board. There are some wonderful knowlegeable people here to help.
You know I spent 28 yrs in a bad relationship and I think I have come to the realization that it was the intermitten reinforcement that created a strong traumatic bond. And its harder to get out.
If you love your husband he must stop the drinking and go into rehab or AA. Also drinking alcohol can create panic attacks. It also is a depressant and you may feel good when you are drinking it but then BAM you are hurting and down in the dumps.
If you can leave the drinking alone you will be able to deal with this much better. You can go to AA or Alanon. Alanon is for those affected by someone elses drinking. you will find a great support system there. Dont stay home alone in that house. I would call someone from Alanon and they will come over to visit. You cannot control what your husband does and whether or not he will quit drinking. But you can control how you take care of yourself. you will be so much stronger and more positive without the booze. It just can cause so many problems in our relationships, our emotions, our view on life. If you can handle it I am not saying never drink. I am not saying it is evil. But cut way down and try to get stronger.
Learn to love yourself, put yourself first and you can help your husband if he wants it.
Your husband may never admit to his drinking problem. dont let it destroy you. You have a wonderful life ahead of you. Be there for him but dont stay if he will not get help. it will only destroy your lives. I have seen women stay with an alcoholic for decades and the longer you are in it the more co dependant you become.
I dont know if this stuff relates to your situation totally but if it does....please hang in there. keep coming to this board. it has saved my life when my STBX filed divorce and says he loves another woman.
keep checking this thread and you will see lots of support on here!

There should be a number for AA or Alanon in the phone book. Call it and ask them to send someone over. They are people who have gone through the same thing you are going through and they are there to help. Dont try to deal with this by yourself!!




Edited 1/7/2007 11:45 am ET by dollyfrocks
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 8:33pm

So sorry.

Mood swings sound like possible manic depression. Drinking will make that much worse. Think through your good friends; find one you might be able to stay with for awhile while you sort this out.

Call your psychiatrist and request an earlier appointment.

If taking action helps you ... then start making phone calls to find a lawyer and learn what your rights are.

I am so sorry.

M