Accepting OW as a possible stepparent

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Accepting OW as a possible stepparent
4
Wed, 02-20-2008 - 9:42pm

Hi. I've posted here a few times and I'm back for more advice.

My husband and I recently divorced after he had an affair. We have two children, 7 and 4 years old. He is trying to build a life with the OW. She is still married and has two children under the age of 4. She left her husband for a while and moved in with my ex-husband. I recently found out that during the time that they were living together there were a few instances of physical violence between them. (The kids were not in the house during any of these fights.) If you met either of them you wouldn't think that they would even be capable of such nasty behavior. My ex is very outgoing and everyone who meets him loves him and OW seems very sweet on the outside, but on the inside she is a trainwreck. This is her second marriage. She has been very successful in her career but her personal life is a mess. Anyway, the OW moved out after the 3rd physical confrontation. (Police were called that night)

He was never physically violent towards me. He was however, very angry and verbally abusive towards me. (In front of the kids). Well now my ex and OW are trying to work out their relationship again. (After begging me to give him another chance) This is where I am having a problem....Its hard enough for me to have to accept that this woman may be a stepmother to my children, but now that there is a history of physical abuse between them, I do not want my kids around their relationship at all. I know I do not have the right to keep the kids away from them. I don't know how to come to peace with this woman being a part of my kids lives.

Any advice or similar experiences?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 9:34am

First of all, *hugs*.

Is there anything in your separation agreement/divorce decree about dating with the children? I have a bit of coverage because XH wanted a clause that we couldn't have sleepovers with someone of the opposite sex with whom we were involved. That prevents living together, too!

The other thing that might help is if you have a mediation clause (Something that says if you can't agree on an issue that arises that you'll go to mediation.) If you have this, then you can raise concerns about the kids living with them, and if he disagrees, you can mediate.

I'm in a similar situation. XH and his girlfriend have been dating for a little over 6 months and my girls (and her girls) spend ALOT of time with them (every Friday night, Saturday and Sat night, sometimes Sundays). I don't think very highly of a woman who would date children and let her own children date a man she's only known for 2 weeks, but it's beyond my control. I'm just going to try to be stupid and cheerful about it.

Are your kids in counseling? That would be a good way to find out if there's ever any abuse towards your children or even in front of your children. Then you'd have someone on your side if you decide to persue anything legally.

I also try to remember that children can learn as much from a bad example as a good one.

~calla~

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 12:17pm

Thanks for your reply.

I didn't even think about having a clause in the divorce decree regarding having a person of the opposite sex sleeping in the house with the kids present. I wish I had known that. I need to look thru my divorce papers to see if there is a mediation clause. Is that a standard clause for most divorce decrees?

I wonder if I would be able to take any legal action since there was a police report filed the night of one of the physical incidents? I am not trying to keep my kids from their father. He is very good to them. He sees them every other day and calls 2x a day. He has anger issues, but I have never seem him direct it at the kids. I just think that since he and OW have been physically violent in the past that it will happen in the future. All I want from him is to give this relationship ALOT of time to be sure it's going to work out (or not) before they drag the kids into it. And if they do drag the kids into it and it doesn't work out then its another loss in their lives.

My kids have been in counseling weekly for about 6 months. My ex and i are both very involved in their counseling. I think it has really helped them learn to express their feelings.

Thanks again for your response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 1:35pm

I have no clue as to whether or not a mediation clause is standard. Unfortunately, I don't have one.

If you're still on good terms with your lawyer, it's probably worth a phone call to see if you have any rights to keep your kids from a home that could be physically violent. I knwo that my lawyer told me (as a mother) that I shouldnt' ever release the kids to his care if I thought they would be in danger.

Perhaps you could talk to the kids' counselor(s) to see their feeling about a girlfriend being involved. I know that DD13's counselor advised XH against it, but he does it anyway. DD8's counselor hasn't even met him and she doesn't want to, but she's totally against involvement until it's a committed relationship. (I'm sure it's not considered committed after 2 weeks) If the counselor(s) is/are against it, perhaps it could be discussed in a session. I know my kids don't like spending 20 hours a week with the girlfriend, but they know they can't tell their father because he'd be mad at them.

~calla~

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2008
Thu, 02-21-2008 - 8:25pm
I'm not a lawyer, but I'd recommend you talk to yours. Physical abuse VERY RARELY gets better. I worked in a Women's safe house for a few years, and the same people come back again and again. If they aren't abusing in front of the kids now, they will in the future.