Adjusting to being alone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2014
Adjusting to being alone?
7
Sat, 03-01-2014 - 5:19pm

I'm 43, I left my husband on Feb. 14.

I know this is the best thing for me, and things will seem easier as time goes by.

I have never lived all by myself before, I alternate between being excited about it and sad.

I feel like I am needing closure, and I know it's not necessary... but it helps me to talk about it sometimes as well.

A short marriage, only 5 years. Many issues, money and health. I found peace and happiness in the way of self actualization (self awareness, enlightenment) and he fell back into his safe hole of binge drinking, depression, anxiety, and doom.

We decided in October that we should split up. Well, he decided actually. He announced he was "done" and there was no talking about it. By January... when he had done "nothing" about it, I simply took steps into my own hands.

We don't even have a signed off separation agreement. He still hasn't taken his draft to a lawyer, has not filed for divorce, nothing.Not concerned legally, we dont' have kids together, no joint financials.

It's been two weeks since I moved out. There has been no contact, except he wanted me to do something for him about the alarm system on the house.

I didn't tell him "where" I moved to, and guess what? He hasn't asked either. I guess I am feeling hurt lately. A big part of me assumes he isn't alone... and that's why he doesn't seem to care. I don't know why I care what he thinks!! I don't want to be with him, it's over. We cannot be together. But I thought at the least he would have cared a bit... kept in touch somewhat? I was wrong. 

Other than feeling like he never loved me at all  (lol) I am doing just fine by myself. Brief moments of lonliness, but they pass. I keep myself busy. I keep myself positive. I try not to dwell on being tossed aside so easily. I try to trust that things will work out just as they are meant to.

Peace. Thanks for listening :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2014
Sat, 03-15-2014 - 11:47pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2014
Sun, 03-02-2014 - 3:36pm
I don't really need to know anything about my ex... although I do HOPE that he is okay, but it doesn't seem right to even inquire about that? He has threatened to split up before, but in the past year it was agreed that it was not to be brought up as a threat. Ah ugh. I was feeling hurt when I posted originally. I feel better about it today, and I'm not trying to "understand" it as much anymore. Peace.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2014
Sun, 03-02-2014 - 3:29pm
Thanks for your view, Sabrtooth. I can see where the limited information would point to the conclusion that I tossed him aside. I have gone to counselling, quite a bit over the past two years. He started some counselling, but quit. For several months, he was trying to quit drinking, and wanted time to work on getting on a better job, working things out. So for 8 months, we slept in separate bedrooms, lived as room-mates, and worked on our own issues. One day, he got an invite to go to a party, and that was the end of that. He told me we were done, he spent the weekend "somewhere" and came home drunk on a regular basis for weeks. After Christmas, I tried sitting down with him and talking about it. I asked him if this was what he really wanted to do, and he said yes. There was no talking, discussing, and he had in fact gotten a lawyer and he was going to divorce me. He just hasn't done anything about it. HIs actions and his words did not line up. At all. And yes, maybe I did feel like he would at least call me and explain why he made it seem to urgent that he wanted a divorce, and then didn't follow through it. I never expected him to try again. I did hope that he would be open about it, and at least communicate some of the legal stuff that has to be done. No matter. It is done. Cant' change it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 03-02-2014 - 12:49pm

I got div. from 2nd DH after a 5 yr marriage.  HE had problems w/ mental illness and I was relieved to have him gone.  After a struggle of getting him out of the house (he agreed to go but then we found out there were some credit problems, which of course I had to solve), then of course I had to do all the paperwork on the divorce too since I am a lawyer--I asked him if he wanted to have his own lawyer read over the agreement, but he didn't.  Funny but after that he was still kind of clinging to me--he would ask me to go out to eat and occasionally I did but then I realized that when the physical attraction was gone, that I found him kind of boring and depressing to be with, so then I stopped doing that.  Of course I wasn't alone completely because I had a DD in college and a son still at home, so it's different from your situation.  I knew where exH moved to when we split up--he even asked me to go over there to help him put some kind of furniture together one night!  But I know he moved since then and I have no idea what his living arrangement is now or who he lives with or if he even has a GF.  We still have to keep in touch somewhat because we still own the house together--have to sell it this year.  I'm sure that w/ your DH"s alcohol and mental illness problems, if you want the divorce to be done, you will have to do most of the work.  By the way, my ex announced often (like every time we had an argument) that he was going to the lawyer tomorrow to see about getting a divorce, but if you keep saying that and doing nothing, it's obviously hot air.  Maybe your DH was just venting.  I didn't threaten that all the time, so when I told him I had decided that we should get divorced, I actually meant it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sun, 03-02-2014 - 1:20am

Staying in touch, asking where you are living etc---I can see that if you parted as friends who mutually decided that they had outgrown the marriage, or a couple that have to stay in touch because of children or something else in common. Since you parted with no discussion I wouldn't expect him to become talkative now. And really, what would be the point? Its clear to both of you that you are headed in different directions.

Its possible that he hoped that you would run after him last October, and was hurt that you didn't just like you are hurt that he doesn't seem to care about you now.

If he suffers from depression and anxiety plus binge drinking, it may take all of his emotional stamina just to stand up in the morning. Getting it together to file for divorce etc may be more than he can do, or maybe he isn't certain that's what he wants so he's letting you take the initiative there. Whatever it is, if you are sure that you want to divorce him then move forward with your part of it.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 03-01-2014 - 9:00pm

 You get the ball rolling on the divorce.  Getting it officially over with is the best thig.

dragowoman

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sat, 03-01-2014 - 6:41pm

Even tho your husband said he was "done", he did nothing to terminate the marriage.  You left your husband.  You moved out.  You did not tell him where you went.  And you "...don't want to be with him...".   So I fail to see how you were "...tossed aside so easily".  You did the "tossing".  Or did you expect he would come crying and begging you, and are upset he has not?  I suspect you are not as "actualized" and "enlightened" as you think you are.  Counseling would be a good idea.