adultry and child custody
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adultry and child custody
| Sat, 04-16-2005 - 8:09pm |
I was curious to know if adultry has a huge roll in a custody battle. I have no evidence that he DID cheat on me, but I found a couple of emails that surely shows the intent. I was also told that he had cheated on me with atleast 2 other "girls", but he totally denies it. I'm not sure if the intent to cheat would be considered some sort of adultry. I was talking to my sister and she told me that adultry does play a huge part, but then again I was told it doesn't, seems how there are so many people that cheat anymore. What is your opinion in this?


I don't think that adultry directly effects the children in the "well being" sense. Basically things that affect custody are things like abuse, drugs and unfit conditions... all has to be proven.
I do know that a large percentage of the time the mother is awarded custody. MOST cases give joint legal custody unless the non-custodial parent gives up custody and the courts award sole custody. Courts don't look at the role of the cause of divorce in custody but they do look at serious well being type issues like abuse and such as I mentioned above.
I would consult with a lawyer.
I was afraid in the beginning too. A lot of times our soon to be ex spouse will say things in anger that they don't mean. It's about what is right for the child and that is to have BOTH parents in their lives. We ALL have to put aside our anger towards each other and do what is right for the child involved. A peaceful co-parenting relationship has HUGE benefits to the children involved.
My ex gave me sole custody. He has threatened custody before, but when it came to court, he backed down. He gave me sole custody because he knows I am the better choice. He gets reasonable visitation, every other weekend. You have to prepare yourself for that, but I really think unless one of the above is happening, 9 times out of 10 the mother gets majority of the time and the father gets a small portion. Obviously those details get worked out later.....
So in answer to your question, although we like to think the causes of divorce ( unless it's one of the above cases ) will adjust custody accordingly, most of the time they don't. THe courts very rarely want to hear the who's and why's, they really do what is right for the child.
Hope this helps.
Hugs,
Angelena
The only way it will play a role in a custody matter is if the person puts the children in danger. If someone leaves the children home alone to go out and spend the night with the OW/OM, it isn't so much that they are cheating, but that they are showing they are not fit to parent. If someone takes a child along with them to meet up with the person they are having the affair with, and the child is present while it's happening, I would imagine that would be used against them.
Adultry can play a part sometimes in the divorce if you file for a fault divorce. Most people file for no-fault divorce because it's easier and cheaper (you don't go into court trying to prove it was the other persons fault, you just focus on splitting up assets and debts and working out custody). I am not sure intent to cheat would count, and if they did cheat, you would need evidence that would prove it in court. It won't matter with custody. Having an affair does not make you a bad parent, it makes you a bad husband/wife.
What are you hoping for anyway? Most men have hardly any chance of getting more than every other weekend with their children anyway (sadly). Are you saying the fact he might have cheated means he should see the children less than that?
It doesn't sound like you have much to worry about. Does he have the money to fight you for custody? Is he saying he wants to move them back to IL with him? It would be really really really hard for any man to get custody. I only hear of that happening when there is some legal fluke or when the mom voluntarily gives up custody or there is evidence she is unfit. The most he could possibly hope for is joint custody, and if he fought for that it would be a waste because he'd give it up to move away (fighting to move away and take the kids with you is a whole different issue, and from what you say, would be nearly impossible unless he does have evidence you are unfit).
The way you describe him, he sounds irresponsible but not unfit. If he spends no time with the children now, what makes you think he wants to start now (he should, and lots of parents do make changes when divorce comes). If you are afraid he'll won't maintain a proper home for the children, the stipulate in the agreement he can only have overnights if he has rooms for the children (if he gets evicted and ends up living on a friends couch, then he won't get overnights). If he can't feed them because he's run out of money, do you really think he'll pick the children up for visitation and let them starve? If that happens, the children will tell you and you can call child protective services. If he wants to be on the computer and playing video games, having lots of parenting time is counter to doing that (although my ex has mastered playing his video game on his laptop while dd watches a movie on his tv, and this is her bedtime routine).
When you say you cannot be without them, do you mean even for a weekend? If so, that is a problem. Your children cannot be your whole life that way. They need you to be a whole, complete, happy parent and that can't happen if you are so connected to them that you can't be without them a day or two here and there. It doesn't sound like your STBX is abusive, just bad with money and his priorities are messed up, and that isn't going to help him win custody, even if he did have a snowballs chance at getting it, and it sounds to me like he wouldn't.
LOL I can definitly stand to be away from them for a weekend. I need a break at times too. As far as not having custody, it would break my heart. I have tried to talk to him, but he doesn't even know what he wants. I think deep down he knows he doesn't have a chance, but he's going to try and lie to do it if he had to. Before when we were actually going to go through with it, before we decided to work things out, he was going to say that I was a drugy and an alcoholic. I do not drink or do drugs. It's pretty sad that he would lie like that.
Lying won't prove you are unfit. He would need evidence. If he says you are a drug addict, you can offer to take a drug test. If he says you are an alcoholic, you can bring all your friends, family and co-workers to testify that you are a good mom, and a responsible adult. I am serious when I say dad's have very little chance of winning sole custody (sadly, because the courts assume mom is the better parent and this is not always true). They only get joint physical custody if the mom willingly agrees to it (unfortunately).
On the custody boards I have seen two ways dad's get custody other than proving the mom is unfit. The first is if mom leaves to go get her life together and leaves the children in the care of the dad, or gives him temporary sole custody. Once dad has sole custody, even if it's for a short time, it's hard to force a change through the courts. You have to prove he is unfit or that the children are being harmed in some way and a change in custody will greatly benefit the children (very hard to prove if dad is a decent father). I know of one poster once who's ex convinced her to let their 4 year old live with him for one year since his mom was dying and he wanted them to spend as much time together as possible. It was suppose to just be for that year and their son was supposed to come to live with her to start kindergarden, but it wasn't in writing. He changed his mind and she continued to have weekend visitation and probably always will. The other way I have seen a mom end up as the NCP is if she lives in a small town, has no money, dad is loaded and his family is connected, they know the best laywer, they know the judges and they are big manipulators and this is the only case where I can think lying might work in dad's favor, if the people asked to believe the lies know him personally.
So unless one of the situations sounds like yours, I can't imagine what you would have to be worried about. If you are, start a documentation log. Keep a spiral notebook (they can see you didn't add pages later) and document each and every day. Document that "4/16/05 children had three full means, Johnny ate all his peas and all had baths and went to bed on time" and when you go to the doctors keep a copy of the records with your documentation showing the children are healthy, take pictures and video showing the children are happy, and pretty much anything he says (children are not fed, not bathed, not well taken care of) will be refuted by your evidence.
I would also say that I am a big supporter of joint custody. Your husband may not spend time with the children becuase he doens't have to and has never had to. You take on all the responsibilty and by default he gets none. So he doesn't have to grow up or do anything to take care of them. Sometimes the best thing that can happen is for dad have some time on his own and be in charge of dinner, bath, homework, bedtime, making lunches, taking care of them when they are sick and so on. By doing that, he will experience what you already know, that although taking care of the children is hard work, it has immeasurable rewards. If he does, the children will benefit from this. The fear of not seeing your children grow up is a very real fear for all fathers, because of the same reasons you are almost guaranteed to get full custody. Once you have custody, you have a lot of control over how the relationship between him and and the children will go. However, if he's voluntarily moving away from them, that doesn't really speak to his desire to stay involved in their lives.
My experience is that it doesn't make a difference.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~