Advice about MIL
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| Tue, 03-22-2005 - 4:21pm |
Hello again and thanks to everyone who responded to my last post. Your advice really helped me to see what I need to do but my problem today is that my MIL called after not hearing from her in 3 months and I am wondering what her real motives are. Was she calling to get info to give to my STBX because he asked her to or was she genuinely concerned about me and the kids. We had a good relationship before husband cheated and left but my feelings toward her changed after she supported her son for what he did to me and the kids and after I found out that she is very accepting of his new GF. I understand that she probably feels stuck in the middle but if she can go 3 months without checking on her grandsons, why would she call now and ask questions like, how are you doing, are you getting by ok, are you still in therapy, how are the kids doing in school, are they coping with the situation well, are you dating yet, have you seen a lawyer etc, and then when I ask her anything about DH, she says they don't talk about it and it isn't her place to tell me anything. At the end of the conversation she said she hoped that she could stay in contact to see how we are all doing but she would understand if I would rather not.
Part of me wants to stay in contact so that I might get info on STBX in the hopes that his life has gone down the drain and part of me so that my kids know their grandmother eventhough she was never really around for them in the first place. But I am wondering if keeping contact with her prolongs the time of getting over DH and since she never asks to see grandsons should I end all contact with her because it takes everything in me to be nice knowing she supports him eventhough her ex did the same thing to her. How do you talk to her and not tell her what a jerk her son his and how proud of him she should be.
Thanks for letting me vent and any advice would be appreciated.
Pam

Pam,
I think that you should have the relationship with her for her to see her grandchildren.... nothing more... and I would just be firm and clear that any other conversation is off limits because you don't want to put HER in the middle.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I would give her the benefit of the doubt, and assume she's realized that staying in contact with you is in her best interests as far as the relationship with her grandchildren go. I wouldn't give her any information you don't expect her to repeat to her son. He's her child and she's going to be on his side just like you would take your children's side (even if you didn't agree with what their choices are, your opinion is not going to be unbiased when it comes to your children).
I appreciate that my mom was able to stay in contact with my father's parents. There were times when it benefited everyone that she could do that. When my father had an unexpected stint in a mental institution for a year (after a bad drug trip) my grandfather paid the child support to my mom, and after my father killed himself, we were able to maintain contact with that side of the family mostly because my mom was able to handle being in touch with them.
When I'm emailing pictures of dd to family and friends, I always copy my ex-SIL and ex-MIL on the email too. I also take dd to visit ex-SIL and her cousins when I'm in town to see my family. I feel closer to my ex's sister than he is. Last time I was there ex-SIl and joked that her children are going to think I divorced their uncle and they'll never see him again (as if I was the blood relative). But there have to be boundaries to the relationship to. Don't confide in your ex-MIL and don't trust her too much or lean on her for support, and you will keep from getting hurt or disappointed when she isn't there for you. If she asks if you've seen your attorney, just say "I do need to call him, but the process is moving along as well as can be expected," if she probes for answers about some issue in the divorce say, "STBX and I do really need to discuss that," and as for if your are dating anyone, "I am trying to move on with my life, but the children and helping them through the divorce is my priority." Just simple polite brush-off answers.